How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters. Brother

Should interrupt you and move on. Time is of the essence.

       11) You smell bad. A real friend will:

       Tell you.

       Tell you. Then douse you with AXE Body Spray.

       12) You have just won an Academy Award. During your acceptance speech, you forget to thank your lifelong friend. How will he react?

       He will be upset, but ultimately, he’ll get over it.

       He won’t even notice.

       13) You need a ride to an airport, and your car is in the shop. A friend should:

       Give you a ride.

       Call you an Uber.

       14) You and a friend are interested in the same girl. Who should bow out first?

       You.

       Him.

       15) You are newly single, and a friend wants to hook up with your ex. You dated for a little less than two years. After making his intentions clear, how long does he wait before making a move?

       He doesn’t make a move.

       Six months.

       16) You are being an asshole. A real friend will:

       Call you out on it.

       Just go with it.

       17) You are really being an asshole and now some dude wants to fight you. What should your friend do?

       Attempt to intervene on your behalf.

       Take off his shirt and throw down.

       18) You have angered your girlfriend and she has kicked you out as a result. How long will a true friend let you crash on his couch?

       One week.

       Until this whole thing blows over.

       19) You are considering voting for a conservative candidate. What would a real friend do?

       Join you at the White Nationalist rally.

       Intervene. Friends don’t let friends vote conservative.

       20) You are wearing sunglasses inside. Your friend tells you to take them off, because:

       Only assholes and blind people wear sunglasses inside.

       He is jealous.

      ANSWERS. 1: A, 2: B—Like Shakespeare wrote, “Loan oft loses both itself and friend.”, 3: B—People getting hit in the nuts is always funny, 4: B—Though he will always go for option A, 5: B, 6: A—Honesty is always the best policy, 7: B—Except when it isn’t, 8: B—Friends don’t ride friends’ coattails, 9: B, 10: A, 11: A—Any decent person wouldn’t spray AXE on their worst enemy, 12: B, 13: B, 14: A—Always put yourself first, 15: B—If you were dating longer than two years, the answer would be A, 16: A, 17: A—Fighting is never the answer, 18: B—But if he lives with his GF, the answer would be A, 19: B, 20: A.

       Annoying (Yet Inevitable) Things All Friends Do as You Get Older

      No one ever said you have to like your friends—in fact, as you get older, you’ll start to despise them. It’s a simple fact of adulthood; people change, and not necessarily for the better. To help prepare you for that, we’ve compiled this list of seemingly indefensible actions that are (sadly) also inevitable.

□ Stop responding to your drunken texts.

□ Start asking if he can bring his girlfriend along.

□ Clean up his act, erasing 70% of what you liked about him in the process.

□ Get engaged, thereby turning up the heat on you.

□ Send out a mortifying engagement announcement.

□ Send out an equally mortifying “Save the Date” announcement.

□ Adhere to his fiancée’s “no strip clubs” edict during his bachelor party.

□ Have a “destination wedding.”

□ Buy a house in the suburbs, thereby further turning up the heat on you.

□ Invite you to his housewarming, where you will spend the entire evening wondering who this stranger is, and what he’s done with your friend.

□ Have a kid.

□ Name the kid something ridiculous.

□ Post approximately 85,000 pics of the kid on social media.

□ Mail you a birth announcement, featuring the black-and-white photos of the kid wrapped up in a bunch of blankets.

□ Make plans, then bail on them day-of (because the kid is sick).

□ Somehow still find time to play golf with people you don’t know.

□ Reply to group texts three days late, seemingly ignoring the entire conversation.

□ Refuse to admit, even for