How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters. Brother

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      Tech bros.

      The devoutly religious.

      The easily offended.

      The eternally broke.

      The frequently shirtless.

      The perpetually late.

      The unnecessarily dramatic.

      Thespians.

      Trolls.

      Twitter activists.

       u.

      Ultra-marathoners.

       v.

      Vegetarians.

       w.

      Whiners.

      Whiskey enthusiasts.

      White guys with dreadlocks.

      Workout warriors who grunt excessively while lifting and/or loudly drop weights.

       y.

      YouTubers.

How Long Will These People Actually Be in Your Life?

      A. Generally cool classmate

      B. High school teammate

      C. Dude you buy weed from

      D. Dude you smoke weed with

      E. Dude you party with on the weekend

      F. Best high school bro

      G. Best high school bro (who goes to college out-of-state)

      H. Fellow outsider

      I. Freshman year roommate

      J. Guy you hang with as a freshman or sophomore

      K. Guy you hang with as a junior or senior

      L. Fraternity brother

      M. Guy you share common interest with

      N. Guy you share common interest with (not weed)

      O. Fellow intern

      P. Weekend party crew

      Q. Weekday party crew

      R. Gym bro

      S. Coworker who likes sports or something

      T. Coworker willing to talk shit about boss

      U. Former coworker who has just left for a new job

      V. Good dude you meet in your mid-twenties

      W. Any dude you meet in your thirties

      X. Guy in a committed long-term relationship

      Y. Friend with benefits

       A True Friendship Test

       1) It’s last call. There is a very drunk girl sitting at the bar, and you’re on the prowl. A real friend would tell you:

       “I don’t know, man—she’s pretty drunk.”

       “Go for it!”

       2) You’re broke. What would a true friend do?

       Lend you some cash.

       Send you some job listings.

       3) You have just been struck in the testicles and are about to collapse into a heap. In this instance, a real friend would:

       Catch you in his arms to ease your fall.

       Laugh at you.

       4) Your buddy’s girlfriend sucks. What does he do to rectify the situation?

       Force the issue and continue to bring her around.

       Accept reality and schedule separate bro time.

       5) You got wasted and passed out on a friend’s couch. What should he do?

       Drape a blanket over you and leave a glass of water on the coffee table.

       Draw a bunch of dicks on your face.

       6) You have put on weight. A true friend will:

       Tell you.

       Make fun of you.

       7) Your girlfriend has just dumped you, and you deserved it. A real friend will always:

       Be honest—everyone screws up now and then.

       Be loyal—she sucked and you’re better off without her.

       8) You have become a successful rapper. How should a true bro respond?

       By securing a position within your inner circle.

       By congratulating you on your success.

       9) You left a party with someone who is not, uh, traditionally attractive. The next day, your friend should:

       Roast you.

       Congratulate you.

       10) You are telling your friend a story he has heard approximately 125 times before. He:

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