How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters. Brother

of insanity, come to think of it). Physically? You’re literally attached to another person.

      And we haven’t even mentioned the scary sexual-health stuff you’ve (hopefully) learned about in school, or the whole making a baby thing. As far as animalistic impulses go, sex is pretty complicated. That’s not supposed to scare you—if it does, you’re probably not ready to have sex—but you should know the risks involved, and act accordingly. So always use protection. Never pressure your partner to do something they’re not comfortable with. Do talk about your feelings and expectations. Don’t judge others for doing the same. Do explore and experiment. Don’t do it without permission. Realize that having more sex doesn’t make you more of a man (it’s kind of the opposite). Understand that sex doesn’t define what you are, but rather who you are at this moment. Be honest, up front and respectful. Act like an adult, not an asshole. And, y’know, have fun.

      Because setting aside everything we’ve just said—and ignoring nearly every aspect of popular culture and social interaction—sex isn’t really that big of a deal. Your parents figured it out, and they don’t even know how to work an iPhone. You shouldn’t let it consume your life; you’ll miss out on a lot of amazing experiences if you do. Trust us, it’ll happen (and yes, we realize how impossible that sounds if it hasn’t). And after it does, it’ll happen again. You’ll get more comfortable and confident, you’ll figure out what you like (and what you don’t) and you’ll eventually realize you wasted an awful lot of time obsessing over something that’s essentially an enjoyable pastime.

      So don’t put too much stock in sex—but don’t discount its importance, either. It’s a form of expression and an exploration of self, a way of figuring out how you’re wired (and maybe even why). It’s a social construct and a social contract. It’s psychological and physical. It’s not something to take lightly. Sometimes it’s weird. Sometimes it’s dirty. It’s complex. But so is life. And that’s the truth.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Sex Needs

       Everything necessary to ascend, find fulfillment and become the person you were meant to be.

       SELF-ACTUALIZATION—People actually want to have sex with you.

       ESTEEM—Magnum condoms, porn contract.

       BELONGINGNESS AND LOVE—Someone to have sex with, someone who will listen to you brag about it later.

       SAFETY—Condoms, flexibility, a safe word, maybe some lube.

       PHYSIOLOGICAL—A corporeal form, condoms, communication, PERMISSION, a sense of rhythm, an open mind.

Are You Ready to Have Sex?

       The Do’s and Don’ts of Sex

      Make sure it’s consensual. If this wasn’t super obvious, stop reading now.

      Wear a condom.

      Be a gentleman (when appropriate).

      Be responsible.

      Understand that foreplay doesn’t have to start in the bedroom. Technology is your friend.

      Remember key erogenous zones: ears, breasts, neck, mouth, vagina, clitoris.

      Understand the difference between the vagina and the clitoris.

      Perform oral sex. Trust us.

      Use your tongue. Your fingers? Not so much.

      Appreciate receiving oral sex. Would you put that in your mouth?

      Be appreciative in general.

      Try butt stuff!

      Keep an open mind.

      Keep things in perspective.

      Realize the inherent ridiculousness of the entire enterprise.

      Have a sense of humor.

      Be honest about your likes and dislikes.

      Respect boundaries.

      Announce your impending orgasm. Give them fair warning.

      Ejaculate politely.

      Explore the wonderful world of personal lubricants.

      Have fun.

      Change positions.

      Put on some porn if the other person’s into it.

      Pace yourself. Most times, sex is a marathon—not a sprint.

      Drink plenty of fluids beforehand.

      Leave the lights on.

      Take your socks off.

      But encourage her to leave them on. One study found she’s 80% more likely to have an orgasm that way—it’s literally science.

      Wear a condom.

      Make sure you’ve got the right hole.

      Be a Sexual Swiss Army Knife. You never know which tool you’ll need.

      Know your Bite Force Quotient. You shouldn’t draw blood, Dracula.

      Get your partner off first. Trust us.

      Clean up your bedroom.

      At least make your bed.

      Bring a blanket or towel if you plan on doing it outside.

      Realize that doing it outside is pretty overrated.

      COMMUNICATE. Listen, too.

      Be willing to accept honest feedback. How else are you supposed to get better?

      Make noise. Most people don’t want to bang a corpse.

      Avoid problematic dirty talk.

      Respect the tenderness of nipples.

      Vary your speed throughout.

      Save the jackhammering for key moments.

      Help clean up afterward.

      Make occasional eye contact.

      Experiment.

      Explore.

      Collaborate.

      Compliment.

      Put in work.

      Put on music.

      Get wild from time to time.

      Take charge.

      Allow the other person to drive occasionally.

      Know that it’s 2019 and traditional gender roles don’t really apply anymore.

      Realize that sometimes you can be too drunk.

      Understand