How to Not Be a Dick: And Other Truths About Work, Sex, Love - And Everything Else That Matters. Brother

□ Purchase things in bulk from Costco or Sam’s Club. □ Purchase a “garage fridge” to hold all the things he bought in bulk. □ Start using phrases like “Man cave” or “She shed.” □ Mail you a “Happy Holidays” card, featuring the kid wearing a Santa hat. □ Post embarrassing messages to his wife on their anniversary. □ Host dinner parties. □ Make comments about how he “can’t go as hard as he used to,” which are actually thinly veiled critiques of your lifestyle. □ Probably have another kid. □ Never leave the house. □ Invite you over to the house. □ Lay a guilt trip on you when you don’t come out to the house. □ Ignore the fact that no one wants to hang out with a married dude and two toddlers in the suburbs. □ React to every aspect of single life as if were a scene from Lars von Trier’s Antichrist. □ Start hanging out with other married couples. □ Give you unsolicited life advice. □ Slowly disappear. □ Die.

       Is It Possible to Be “Just Friends” with a Woman?

      Of course it is.

       How to Make Friends After the Apocalypse

      You probably weren’t great at making friends before the Apocalypse—after all, you are reading a book—but it’s never too late to learn! Also, the atmospheric radiation levels make it dangerous to leave your cave for extended periods, so you’ve got to make your time beneath the Tri-Suns count!

       Barter.

      One way to fast-track a relationship is by starting one of necessity—you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. For example, perhaps you cross paths with a nomadic fisherman adept at pulling Sawtoothed Tarponsharks from the fast-flowing waters of the Vaalbarian watershed. What potential skills can you offer her/him? Your ability to critique memes at length must surely be worth a few pounds of mercury-laden fish-flesh.

       Watering Holes.

      To meet people, you gotta go where the people are! Scour the basalt flats for sources of fresh water—weary travelers will surely congregate there for a little R&R. To ease their exhaustion, try opening with a joke like “Oh, did you just drink that? That’s my private bathroom.” You’re sure to have a laugh.

       Wandering.

      One benefit of Armageddon: lots of abandoned cityscapes slowly being reclaimed by nature! What better way to locate a local tribe of itinerate hunter/gatherers than a midday stroll through a once-bustling metropolis? Just make sure to pack your boomstick—you never know when you might also locate the occasional mutant, driven mad by hunger.

       Hunting Clubs.

      Humans are social animals for a reason: we hunt in packs. You were probably terrible at sports before the Apocalypse, so now’s the time to impress some new friends by unleashing your unbridled primal rage on a herd of Hadean Leaping Deer. If you’re still struggling, try being the funny guy: Ease the tension with a light joke—“You guys want to hear a duck call?”—followed by an obnoxious fart. For some reason, potty humor goes over like gangbusters after the Apocalypse. Must be instinct.

       Bone Collecting.

      There are mountains of them out there.

       Warmth.

      It’s going to get cold during those lonely evenings without electricity—remember the days of Netflix & chill?!? So consider organizing a community cuddle puddle for survival (don’t mention the friend-making bit outright, you don’t want to come off as creepy). When cuddling with a stranger, ask themselves questions about themselves to put them at ease: “How long have you owned that bloodstained shirt?” “Love the beard, is that since the big day or for fun?” “How many loved ones did you lose on the day fire rained down from the heavens?”

       Feats of Strength.

      While the Warlord Kings of the Paleo-Tethys Plains use feats of strength to establish dominance and build harems, the oral histories of Old Earth tell us that men once bonded through competition. So make it clear that the loser of this particular battle must become your friend. In order to pull this off, do one specific exercise many times repeatedly for several months. For instance, do pull-ups every morning while slowly increasing your maximum result. When you find a contender, challenge them to a pull-up contest. If you win: hey, new friend! If you lose, they may attempt to kill you. Thankfully, you’ve been doing pull-ups for 7 straight months to prepare for this moment.

You Are Insignificant

       Perspective

      Hate life? Feeling alone? Tired of being disrespected by Instagram models who won’t reply to your comments? Don’t worry; you’re going to die.

      We’re not trying to make you depressed—you have enough on your plate already—we’re simply stating a fact. We can say with 100% assurance that some day (maybe it’s today!) you will expire; so will everyone you know, everyone you love and everyone you hate. Your dog will also die, probably a lot sooner than you think. Death has remained undefeated for the entirety of human history, having beaten something like 108 billion people, plus every insect, bird, mammal, reptile, fish, plant, spore and fungus, too. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

      Maybe we shouldn’t apologize. It’s liberating to acknowledge the fact that all of this will end—not to mention invigorating. It puts most of your (admittedly petty) problems into perspective, and allows you to prioritize your life. What’s the point of staying in a dead-end job, or remaining in a toxic relationship, if both could end tomorrow?

      We realize that sounds like some wide-eyed, pseudo-inspirational bullshit, the kind of nonsense spouted by YouTube influencers and motivational speakers. And it is . . . but that doesn’t make the sentiment any less valid. Life is for living, until it’s not, at which point you are dead and you don’t have to worry about anything. In other words, none of this matters. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it. Maybe you can’t just quit your job and travel the world, but you can