The sooner you realize that, the better. Sure, your life may be monotonous, but it’s yours. Stop using a script as a measuring stick, and live the way you want. To help you get started, here’s the truth about Hollywood’s biggest lies.
You will never have a witty retort ready.
You will rarely say the right thing at the right time.
You will not meet your significant other in some quirky, cosmic manner.
Women actually have plenty of conversations that don’t involve men.
The quiet girl at (insert mom-and-pop store here) does not want you to rescue her from her small life. She probably doesn’t even want you to talk to her.
In real life, manic pixie dream girls are exhausting.
Platonic relationships rarely become something more.
If you rescue a girl, she will probably not fall in love with you.
Guys who look like Williamsburg accountants don’t get girls who look like Parisian models.
No one ever has a meaningful conversation in the pouring rain.
Loitering outside someone’s building isn’t charming, it’s fucking creepy.
Constantly pursuing a woman won’t win her over. It will get you arrested.
Failing relationships can’t be saved with poignant gestures or thrilling hijinks.
Weddings are rarely dramatic and only occasionally magical.
The same goes for sex—plus, you sweat way more.
Women don’t find drunk men charming.
You will never attempt to explain being caught in a compromising situation by shouting “It’s not what it looks like!”
Not everyone has a funny friend, because they’re usually annoying.
Real NYC apartments don’t look like that.
Real bodies don’t look like that, either.
Underdogs are underdogs for a reason—they usually lose.
Most assholes don’t redeem themselves, they just continue being assholes.
Bad guys usually don’t get what’s coming to them. In fact, they usually win.
You will never walk away from an exploding building in slow motion.
You can’t jump between buildings or train cars.
You can’t cling to a helicopter as it takes off, either.
You won’t get rewarded for ignoring your boss’ orders. You get fired.
If someone is pointing a gun at you, they will not take a moment to deliver a speech before pulling the trigger.
Occasionally, the automatic override isn’t damaged.
You will never be involved in a car chase.
In the event of an actual cataclysmic event, you will not survive.
In the event of an actual gun battle, you will not slide over the hood of a car while firing a pair of handguns.
You can’t just randomly enhance digital footage.
You will never get a montage.
You will never deliver a stirring speech.
You will never do anything that’s accompanied by a soaring soundtrack.
There’s a pretty good chance you will die alone.
Tom Cruise is actually like 5′4″.
Ever since the first fish pulled itself out of the primordial ooze and proclaimed to any organic compound within earshot that Stanley Kubrick was overrated, life has been defined by conflict. It’s the reason why, over the course of the next 15-20 million years, humans developed a “fight-or-flight” response, a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived attack or threat to survival. Otherwise we’d just be punching everyone.
So it’s not a stretch to say the secret to life is decoding conflict—understanding its root cause and formulating the proper response. In other words, knowing when it’s time to fight, or when it’s better to simply fly (or, you know, walk) away.
Not surprisingly, this is more difficult than it seems. After all, every conflict is fueled by emotions, and emotions are harder to check than Connor McDavid. So we’ve prepared this list of conflicts that will more than likely end in confrontation to help you navigate these choppy waters, and hopefully keep you from getting punched in the face. Make sure to keep it with you at all times for quick reference.
You’re having a proper night out with friends when suddenly, it’s go time.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. Welcome to Bar Brawl City.
ROOT CAUSE: Did you see someone get hit by a chair? Toss a drink on a stranger? If you didn’t witness it with your own eyes, don’t assume you know how it started.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: If you didn’t see the slight, the appropriate response is flight. Just make sure to pull your buddy out of the fight pit before you bolt.
You are drunk and perceive some action as disrespectful.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Off the charts. You are drunk.
ROOT CAUSE: Honestly, probably something you did. You are drunk.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Go home. You are drunk.
A stranger has just made an inappropriate comment to your special lady friend.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. You don’t want to lose face in front of said special lady friend.
ROOT CAUSE: Either alcohol or jealousy. Probably both.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: You won’t like this, but flight. Definitely get up in the guy’s face before you leave, though, and make sure to mention the “alcohol or jealousy” bit.
A stranger has just inappropriately touched your special lady friend.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: High. See above.
ROOT CAUSE: Either alcohol or jealousy. Probably both.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: See above, then forget it. Every man must fight sometimes, so punch that dude in the fucking face.
Your coworker has ratted you out to the boss.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Moderate. Unless you slept with the boss’ daughter.
ROOT CAUSE: A toxic mix of sycophancy and social climbing.
APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Talk to your coworker about it face-to-face. To be fair, most bosses don’t like rats, either, so there’s a good chance your coworker will eventually get what’s coming to him or her. As a general rule, it’s never a good idea to throw a punch in the office.
Your boss has called you into his or her office to discuss the matter.
POTENTIAL CONFLICT LEVEL: Depends on how badly you want to keep this job.
ROOT CAUSE: Well, obviously your coworker, though