When he comes back, do not punish him for becoming distant, as the fear of rejection can prevent him from returning. The ‘manly man’ has no problem distancing himself; he just finds it hard to open up once he comes back to you. If he stops distancing himself, he misses the opportunity to feel his own passionate longing for love. Do not question him about his feelings and the relationship. Try to remain friendly and positive, even when you feel ignored. Do not worry that you have done something to cause him to temporarily stay away. Do not push him to share his feelings with you; instead, tell him about yours. Demanding that he opens up may make his mind go blank or result in resistance to what feels like the pressure of your demands. If you manage to make him feel accepted, he will gradually open up. If you have no demands for him to talk, he will do it naturally.
Why He May Want to Break Up
After a break-up, certain streets, locations, even times of day are off-limits. The city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines. You have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces. –Sex and the City
Occasionally, satisfying an awakened desire can mean the game is over. Once the temptation replaces itself with a sense of security or satisfaction, it can detract from the feeling of love. Like a drug that is wearing off, he will begin to see the real you and become disappointed by your flaws. By catching you either emotionally or physically, the chase is over and the tension is released, sometimes resulting in disappointment of not receiving the kind of excitement he was expecting. There is a chance that he may see you as weak if you have given in to him. This can be the problem which is simply a result playing hard to get and misrepresenting yourself, your reality is not inline with what he had initially imagined about you. This is common reaction when anyone focuses solely on the relationship instead of having a common goal. He is bound to find imperfections but are these downfalls his ‘deal breakers’? Sometimes when a relationship has reached its peak, his feelings begin to change and move toward emotions such as laziness, distrust, disappointment, unhappiness or claustrophobia.
When he has stopped loving you or has ended the relationship, you may feel angry, disappointed or despair. The unhappy love affair is neither your fault or his, you may have been compatible to begin with and no longer are. Two people may drift apart as they either have different thoughts, feelings, ideas and aims in life or the ones they had may have changed. It is tough to move on when all signs seem to point to the two of you belonging together. Even if you are not ready for the break-up, accept that it has happened and learn to live with it. Stop feeling bad about your break-up; nothing lasts forever. If you feel you made the mistake, forgive yourself, learn the lesson and move on by finding things that make you happy and do not look back. Life is too short to wait for anything or anyone. Crying is good way of coping but not for longer than you should; clinging on to him is a waste of your life. Put your energy into things that make a positive impact in your life. Do not hold on to emotional baggage or anger, but rather let go of it.
Resenting old lovers sends a message to new lovers, who must compete with your history for devotion. Be here now, showing the new man in your life that you are free, functional and ready to fall in love again. One part of learning how to love is learning how to let go; he may have let go himself, as his dreams have evolved. This does not mean that you are less attractive or interesting. Perhaps now he is looking for someone he can control or bully. Whatever it is, do not overanalyse it; learn from your mistakes and move on. Remember that it is not only his dreams that have changed; your dreams are likely to change too.
Do not label the break-up; it all happened for a reason. Many people have lived through worse events such as death or disability and are still able to find their way to happiness again. Being miserable is the easy way and takes no effort. Being happy requires constant work.
After a break-up, you have to become constructive. Carrying negative emotions keeps you in the past not allowing you to move on, making the future seem bleak. The longer you entertain negativity, the longer it will take to recover. Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of your relationship. Loneliness can only enter an inactive mind by laziness and a closed heart. If your mind is dull and your body inactive, then you can become lonely. This stems from a selfish attitude, a sole concern for yourself.
The excitement of relationships provides a temporary blanket covering up the painful and frustrating aspects of life. Ultimately, every relationship breaks up, the worst case scenario being the unfortunate death of a special someone. Stop blaming yourself or him for your troubles. You broke up and your story has come to an end. Nevertheless, it is not the end of the world, it is the beginning of a new chapter in your life. It is stimulating to remove sad feelings and feel excited about the near future and a figurative new life. As soon as you do an emotional inventory, something better will turn up. That is why you should avoid using negative words to describe your former relationships. If you were not able to break up amicably, it means that you need to work on some aspect of your own personality.
If you are serious about being happy and meeting your true soul mate, concentrate first on yourself. Time will serve as a great healer. While you are going down that path, someone else may capture your heart when you least expect it.
When You Should Break Up
Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration. –D H Lawrence
It is normal to feel disappointed in love. Even when your reality is good, it does not compare with fantasy. The flames will slowly die out, especially if you are unable to keep the romance alive. For a relationship to work you should both feel that you got a good deal. Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgments of imperfections. It is better to be single than to want to be single. Sometimes being single is just as great as being in a relationship, if you know who you are and understand what makes you happy.
When you feel that love is over, have the courage to end things. If you are truly dissatisfied with the relationship then there is no going back; you do not have to hang on to the relationship just because you pity him. It is kinder to make a clean break. Breaking off the relationship can also have the opposite effect; it may unintentionally revive his feelings of interest, causing him to cling to you incessantly. Withdrawing your heart and becoming cold can make him pursue you even more, creating further resentment. If you have lost interest then you need to break the relationship off sooner rather than later. Once you know you no longer have feelings for him, end things calmly without an apologising, as he will be insulted with such behaviour, allowing him to get over you more easily. The break should leave you both physically and psychologically free to move on to the next person. Then the game begins all over again.
End the relationship only if you are absolutely sure you no longer want to be with him. If you have a problem being faithful, know that he is no longer desirable to you. Never feel guilty about ending a relationship, even if you initiated the relationship and have now lost interest. Do not blame yourself as nothing lasts forever. At some point in time you provided him with pleasure and he has more than likely enjoyed the ride up until now. In the long run, he will be thanking you for making it a clean break.
The more you apologise, the more you hurt his pride and create negative feelings that can sometimes linger for years. Spare him the dishonest explanations that only complicate matters. Dragging out an unappealing relationship that not satisfactory to you, will only torture him further. It will instil more emotional pain into him, as he may begin to try and save the relationship, making you both suffer. Ending the relationship saves you both; you from remaining in an unhappy situation and him through escalating pain as a result of you not loving for him.
If breaking up seems inappropriate or too complex, deliberately put him off with unattractive behaviour. If you are worried about hurting him, adopt a different approach and make him back off by doing things to make him fall out of love with you. Put him off by smothering, nagging or lecturing him. Do whatever you feel he cannot stand. Aloofness or anger will only stir his insecurity, leaving you with