Depending on whether you report to or manage a Taurus in the workplace, you might see a very different side of the Bull. The Tauri people tend to manage up, meaning they charm their bosses and let the shit run downhill to their employees. They don’t mean to be unfair, but it seems like the most practical approach to the workplace. For any colleague, getting into an argument with a Taurus can end poorly, with everyone losing face, productivity grinding to a halt, feelings being hurt, and the whole nine yards. This should be avoided at all costs.
ABSOLUTE WORST JOBS FOR A TRAGIC TAURUS
Dentist: Tauruses are so sensitive to sights and smells that being a dentist might not be a great fit. The terrible breath, and the nasty, decaying teeth of the general population might cause Taurus to have a total nervous breakdown.
Missionary: “Oh, hello small village in a third world country. I’m here to save you. Wait, where’s the five-star hotel and the Egyptian-cotton linen? Where’s the food? Most importantly, where is the wine?” For the most part, Tauruses are simply too materialistic to enjoy saving people in very poor parts of the world.
Professional Gambler: Above all else, the Tauri people need stability in their career. They can’t handle the uncertainty of an unsteady job such as a professional gambler. They should get a nice, fat government job. But, wait… government jobs aren’t so stable anymore either, are they?
JOBS THAT A TRAGIC TAURUS MIGHT NOT SCREW UP
Farmer: The rigid schedule and physical labor of farm work would be perfect for a Taurus, and the blend of home and professional life could create a comfortable mental state for a Bull. Good, clean, dirty work is high up there on a Taurus’s list of ideal jobs.
Investment banker: Tauruses “get” money in a way that many other people and signs do not. They can patiently explain financial data and complex concepts while making sound decisions about investments. They also won’t feel bad when turning down ridiculous loan applications from people who want to quit their day jobs to become mystery novelists.
Wine or craft beer dealer: The smells, the tastes, the sensuality of wine and/or craft beer is all a complete turn-on to the Tauri people. They can learn about the complexities of the flavor, the process of creating it, the way to pair it with food. The downside is that the Bull might consume all of the stock, so—there’s that.
STARS OF THE SIGN TRAGIC TAURUS
This book would be remiss not to mention the obvious and point out that two of the world’s worst dictators and greatest war criminals of all time were born under the sign of the Bull. Representing Taurus’s incredibly deep well of pig-headed stubbornness and total inflexibility are Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein. Warning: this is what can happen if a Taurus’s control freak tendencies are allowed to run wild.
Many famous world rulers, both past and present, are simply full of Bull. Catherine the Great, the famous empress of Russia, was a Taurus, along with Hirohito, the emperor of Japan during and after World War II. More recent Taurus royalty includes Queen Juliana of the Netherlands, who ruled up until 1980, and Queen Elizabeth II, who still holds the throne of the United Kingdom.
Some of the greatest political philosophers—thinkers who changed the world with their ideas— were of the Tauri class. Of course there’s Karl Marx, who wrote The Communist Manifesto and spurred the communist revolution in both the Soviet Union and the People’s Republic of China. Then there’s Renaissance writer Niccolò Machiavelli who, in his work The Prince, produced friendly little gems like, “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both,” and, “If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.” Machiavelli and Marx were both so popular they got an “—ism” added after their names to encapsulate their ideas. Less revolutionary, but no less impactful, the Taurus-born philosophers and logicians that have lived include Søren Kierkegaard, Bertrand Russell, Immanuel Kant, and Kurt Gödel.
Many stars—or Hollywood royalty, if you will—also fall under the sign of the Bull and, for better or worse, they’re probably just as important to today’s society as the royal and political classes are. The dukes of drama, George Clooney, Al Pacino, and Jack Nicholson, are all Tauruses, along with relative newcomers Robert Pattinson and Channing Tatum. Lady Bulls in showbiz include classic stars Audrey Hepburn and Katharine Hepburn, as well as established, talented beauties Uma Thurman, Michelle Pfeiffer, Cate Blanchett, and Renée Zellweger. Rule on in good faith, O Hollywood Royalty.
TRAGIC TAURUS BIRTHDAYS
ARIES-TAURUS CUSP
People born between April 19 and April 22 are considered to have been born in the Aries-Taurus cusp, and can display characteristics of both signs. So… what do you get when you cross a Ram with a Bull? It’s not a good time, that’s for sure. The Aries-Taurus combination makes these people especially stubborn and aggressive. People born on these dates will never stop pursuing a goal and they simply can’t see when it’s time to give up and walk away.
APRIL 21
People born on April 21 seem to have stepped out of the past. They have very traditional beliefs and mannerisms. They believe in pulling oneself up by one’s own bootstraps and working one’s way up the corporate ladder by being a Company Man or Woman. Good luck convincing a man born on this day that he should be a stay-at-home dad, or a woman born on this day that she should get some formal school learnin’.
APRIL 22
Henry VIII, the king famous for beheading his wives, was crowned on this bad day in 1509. April 22nd-ers break from the typical Tauri desire to settle down in love and life—Bulls born on this day genuinely enjoy playing the field. April 22nd natives like the seduction aspect of a new love… the stage that fizzles out as soon as couples begin to wear sweatpants and pass gas around one another. In order to stop an April 22nd-er from beheading your relationship, so to speak, you must keep the mystery and decorum alive as long as possible.
APRIL 23
People born on April 23 know what they like from an early age. They have very distinct favorite foods, favorite songs, favorite seasons, favorite holidays, et cetera. On the flip side, they know exactly what they don’t like and simply won’t tolerate it in their lives. Whether it’s people who talk about money, or theme parties, or anchovies, any run-ins with their most hated people or things will send them into a spiral of irritation and anger. Do not try to convince an April 23rd Taurus that they should tolerate something on their “Dislike” list for the sake of a group. That argument will go nowhere fast.
APRIL 24
In their young adult lives, April 24th natives are smart and dependable and make good decisions, but as soon as they have children the “crazy” switch gets triggered and they become the type of parent that everyone hates. They will hover helicopter-style over their children at the playground, refusing to let their Precious Ones get bumped or bullied, and they’ll show up at their kids’ school accusing the teachers of singling out their child. When their high school freshman turns in a PhD-quality essay on the American Revolution, everyone can guess that their Taurus parent offered them an eensy-weensy bit of homework help.
APRIL 25
On April 25, 1886, Sigmund Freud opened his practice in Vienna. It was there he gathered