Mr. J. returned to America, and at the meeting of the Board, at Worcester, in September, 1811, he and one of his missionary brethren earnestly solicited an immediate appointment, as they were extremely anxious to be engaged in missionary labours, and as there was a prospect of war between England and the United States, which would probably interrupt their plans entirely. They stated, that if the Board was unable to support them, they would accept an appointment from the London Society. The Board resolved, notwithstanding the scantiness of its funds, to establish a Mission in Burmah ; and Messrs. Judson, Nott, Newell, and Hall, were immediately appointed. Messrs. Richards and Warren were received at the same meeting, as Missionaries, with instructions, however, to continue their studies for a while. Mr. Rice was afterwards appointed. It is interesting to contrast the state of the American Board, at that time, when its members hesitated, from a fear of the want of adequate funds, with the present condition of that powerful body.
During the session of the Association, at Bradford, in 1810, Mr. Judson first saw Miss Hasseltine. An acquaintance was soon after formed, which led to a direct offer of marriage on his part, including, of course, a proposition to her, to accompany him in his missionary enterprise.
She was thus placed in a situation of peculiar difficulty and delicacy. The influence which her affections ought to have, in deciding a question of this kind, it would not, in ordinary cases, have been difficult to determine. But in this case, her embarrassment was increased, by the conflict which might arise between affection and duty. A person so conscientious as she was, would wish to form a decision on the important question of her duty, respecting missionary labours, uninfluenced by any personal considerations. Hesitation to assume an office so responsible, and so arduous, would spring up in any mind ; but Miss Hasseltine was required to decide on this point, in connexion with another, itself of the utmost consequence to her individual happiness. It was impossible to divest herself of her personal feelings ; and she might have some painful suspicions lest her affections might bias her decision to become a Missionary; while female delicacy and honour would forbid her to bestow her hand, merely as a preliminary and necessary arrangement.
There was another circumstance which greatly increased the difficulty of a decision. No female had ever left America as a missionary to the heathen. The general opinion was decidedly opposed to the measure. It was deemed wild and [romantic in the extreme ; and altogether inconsistent with prudence and delicacy. Miss H. had no example to guide and allure her. She met with no encouragement from the greater part of those persons, to whom she applied for counsel. Some expressed strong disapprobation of the project. Others would give no opinion. Two or three individuals, whom it might not be proper to name, were steady affectionate advisers, and encouraged her to go. With these exceptions, she was forced to decide from her own convictions of duty, and her own sense of fitness and expediency.*
It was well, for the cause of Missions, that God assigned to Miss Hasseltine the honourable yet difficult office of leading the way in this great enterprise. Her adventurous spirit, and her decision of character eminently fitted her to resolve, where others would hesitate, and to advance, where others might retreat. She did decide to go, and her determination, without doubt, has had some effect on the minds of other females, who have since followed her example.†
To Mrs. Judson undoubtedly belongs the praise of being the first American female, who resolved to leave her friends and country, to bear the Gospel to the heathen in foreign climes.
Her journal, at this time, shows that her mind was in a state of extreme anxiety, and that she resorted for direction and help to Him who gives wisdom to the ignorant, and who guides the meek in judgment :
“Aug. 8, 1810. Endeavoured to commit myself entirely to God, to be disposed of according to his pleasure. He is now trying my faith and confidence in him, by presenting dark and gloomy prospects, that I may be enabled, through divine grace, to gain an ascendancy over my selfish and rebellious spirit, and prefer the will of God to my own. I do feel, that his service is my delight. Might I but be the means of converting a single soul, it would be worth spending all my days to accomplish. Yes, I feel willing to be placed in that situation, in which I can do most good, though it were to carry the Gospel to the distant, benighted heathen.
“Sept. 10. For several weeks past, my mind has been greatly agitated. An opportunity has been presented to me, of spending my days among the heathen, in attempting to persuade them to receive the Gospel. Were I convinced of its being a call from God, and that it would be more pleasing to him for me to spend my life in this way than in any other, I think I should be willing to relinquish every earthly object, and in full view of dangers and hardships, give myself up to the great work.
“A consideration of this subject has occasioned much self-examination, to know on what my hopes were founded, and whether my love to Jesus was sufficiently strong to induce me to forsake all for his cause. At times I have felt satisfied, that I loved him, on account of his own glorious perfections, and have been desirous that he should do with me, as he should please, and place me in that situation, in which I can be most useful. I have felt great satisfaction in committing this case to God, knowing that he has a perfect understanding of the issue of all events, is infinitely wise to select the means best calculated to bring about the most important ends, and is able and willing to make the path of duty plain before me, and incline me to walk therein. At other times, I have felt ready to sink, being distressed with fears about my spiritual state, and appalled at the prospect of pain and suffering, to which my nature is so averse, and apprehensive, that when assailed by temptation, or exposed to danger and death, I should not be able to endure, as seeing Him who is invisible. But I now feel willing to leave it entirely with God. He is the fountain of all grace, and if he has designed me to be a promoter of his cause, among those who know him not, he can qualify me for the work, and enable me to bear whatever he is pleased to inflict, I am fully satisfied, that difficulties and trials are more conducive than ease and prosperity to promote my growth in grace, and cherish an habitual sense of dependence on God. While the latter please my animal nature, and lead me to seek happiness in creature enjoyments, the former afford convincing proofs that this life is designed to be a state of trial, and not a state of rest, and thus tend to wean me from the world, and make me look up to heaven as my home. Time appears nothing when compared with eternity, and yet events the most momentous depend on the improvement of these fleeting years. O Jesus, direct me, and I am safe ; use me in thy service, and I ask no more. I would not choose my portion of work, or place of labour; only let me know thy will, and I will readily comply.
“Oct. 28. My mind has still been agitated for two or three weeks past, in regard to the above mentioned subject. But I have, at all times, felt a disposition to leave it with God, and trust in him to direct me. I have, at length, come to the conclusion, that if nothing in providence appears to prevent, I must spend my days in a heathen land. I am a creature of God, and he has an undoubted right to do with me, as seemeth good in his sight. I rejoice, that I am in his hands—that he is every where present, and can protect me in one place as well as in another. He has my, heart in his hands, and when I am called to face danger, to pass through scenes of terror and distress, he can inspire me with fortitude, and enable me to trust in him. Jesus is faithful ; his promises are precious. Were it not for these considerations, I should, with my present prospects, sink down in despair, especially as no female has, to my knowledge, ever left the shores of America, to spend her life among the heathen ; nor do I yet know, that I shall have a single female companion. But God is my witness, that I have not dared to decline the offer that has been made me, though so many are ready to call it a ‘wild, romantic undertaking.’ If I have been deceived in thinking it my duty to go to the heathen, I humbly pray, that I may be undeceived, and prevented from going. But whether I spend my days in India or America, I desire to spend them in the service of God, and be prepared to spend an eternity in his presence. O Jesus, make me live to thee, and I desire no more.
“Nov. 25. Sabbath. Have spent part of this holy day in fasting and prayer, on account of the darkness of my mind, and the many internal trials of a spiritual nature, that I have lately experienced. Though destitute of that engagedness I could desire, I had some freedom in pouring out my soul to God, and some confidence, that