“Nov. 6. I daily make some new discoveries of the vileness and evil of my heart. I sometimes fear, that it is impossible for a spark of grace to exist in a heart so full of sin. Nothing but the power of God can keep me from returning to the world, and becoming as vain as ever. But still I see a beauty in the character of Christ, that makes me ardently desire to be like him. All the commands of God appear perfectly right and reasonable, and sin appears so odious as to deserve eternal punishment. O how deplorable would be my situation, thus covered with sin, was it not for the atonement Christ has made. But he is my Mediator with the Father. He has magnified the law and made it honourable. He can save sinners consistently with the divine glory. God can now be just, and the justifier of those who believe in his Son.
“Nov. 26. This is the evening before thanksgiving day, and one which I formerly spent in making preparation for some vain amusement. But for the first time in my life, I have spent it in reading and praying, and endeavouring to obtain a suitable frame of mind for the approaching day. How much reason have I to be thankful for what God has done for me, the yèar past. He has preserved my forfeited life ; he has waited to be gracious ; he has given me kind friends, and all the comforts of life ; and more than all, he has sent his Holy Spirit, and caused me to feel my lost condition by nature—inclined me to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, as my only Saviour, and thus changed the whole course of my life. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name !
“Dec. 22. I am this day seventeen years old. What an important year has the past been to me. Either I have been made, through the mercy of God, a partaker of divine grace, or I have been fatally deceiving myself, and building on a sandy foundation. Either I have in sincerity and truth renounced the vanities of this world, and entered the narrow path which leads to life, or I have been refraining from them for a time, only to turn again and relish them more than ever. God grant that the latter may never be my unhappy case. Though I feel myself to be full of sin, and destitute of all strength to persevere, yet if I know any thing, I do desire to live a life of strict religion, to enjoy the presence of God, and honour the cause, to which I have professedly devoted myself. I do not desire my portion in this world. I find more real enjoyment in contrition for sin, excited by a view of the adorable moral perfections of God, than in all earthly joys. I find more solid happiness in one evening meeting, when divine truths are impressed on my heart by the powerful influences of the Holy Spirit, than I ever enjoyed in all the balls and assemblies I have attended during the seventeen years of my life. Thus when I compare my present views of divine things, with what they were, at this time last year, I cannot but hope I am a new creature, and have begun to live a new life.
“April 11. Now I know that God is a prayer hearing God. When I retired this evening to spend some time in prayer, I found I had no heart to pray, I could pray for nothing but a spirit of prayer; when, contrary to all my expectations, my feelings were suddenly changed, and I obtained great freedom of access to the mercy seat. I felt it good to draw near to God, and pour out my soul before him. Astonishing love and unbounded benevolence, in the infinite God, thus to let his creatures come near, and partake of the happiness which he himself enjoys. O Jesus, make me humble; let me love thee more, and be daily more devoted to thy dear cause.
“April 12. Sabbath. Have this holy day enjoyed the privilege of commemorating the dying love of Christ. O how condescending did the divine Redeemer appear ! I felt my heart drawn out in love to God for his great goodness to the children of men. Five new members were added to the church. How animating to see so many come over to the Lord’s side, and subscribe to be his. And was I indeed called at an early age, called in the bloom of youth, to be a partaker of the grace of God ? I, who was opposed to every thing good—who was a faithful servant of the adversary of souls? How easily might I have been left to go on in my own chosen way, till repentance was too late. How earnestly do I now desire to live entirely devoted to the service of Christ, to express my gratitude, by keeping his commands, and living near to him. But alas, notwithstanding all he has done for me, so depraved is my heart, and so inclined to every evil, that I shall wander from God, grieve his Spirit, wound his cause, and destroy my soul, unless kept by his mighty power. On sovereign grace alone I rely for grace and strength to persevere.
“April 18. Too much engaged in worldly things. Worldly thoughts will creep in, and destroy my religious comfort. I have much to make me constantly devoted, yet I am comparatively stupid. I am surrounded by a wicked world, where vice and immorality are prevailing, and very little real religion to be found. Lord, take care of thine own cause, and let not the enemy be exalted over thy people. O take care of thy children, and animate them with thy presence in the wilderness.”
These extracts are sufficient to show the exercises of her mind, for some months after her conversion. Wé have omitted a considerable portion, because our space is limited, and because we think that much caution ought to be used, in disclosing to the public eye the private feelings of the Christian. In the bosom of every true believer, hope predominates ; but many causes often throw a cloud over his joys, and sometimes obscure the brightness of hope itself. At such times, he may doubt that he is a Christian, and if he records or utters his feelings, they have a tone of sadness and despondency, which is in melancholy contrast with the state of his mind at other times, when the candle of the Lord shines upon his head. Some Christians, too, possess a sanguine temperament, which impels them continually to extremes. A journal of their daily experience would depict them, on one day, as rejoicing and steadfast believers, and on the next, perhaps, ás harassed with doubts, not only of their personal piety, but of the truth of Christianity itself ; it would show them, at one time, as fervent in spirit, serving the Lord, and at another, as criminally conformed to this world. It may, perhaps, be sometimes useful to the Christian to peruse such statements of the feelings of others; because they inform him, that his own joys and sorrows correspond with those of other Christians, and that occasional doubts and fears are not incompatible with genuine piety and prevailing hope. God himself has seen fit to give us in his word, the spiritual exercises of several eminent saints, and especially of David, who seems to have been placed in almost every variety of human condition, and to have been visited with trials of every kind to which our nature is subject, that he might be an example to all future saints, and that his feelings and experience, as displayed in his Psalms, might comfort and instruct the Church in every age.
But the complaints and self-reproaches of uninspired saints, may possibly be injurious to some professors of religion, by lowering the standard of piety, and appeasing their consciences for their own deficiencies. And the enemies of religion are liable to regard them as inexplicable inconsistencies, and as proofs that religion is the parent of melancholy, and is devoid of permanent and tranquil happiness.
The following letter from Mrs. J. written at an early period of her religious life, shows how correctly she thought, in relation to the exercises of a renewed heart. She here explains the cause of much of her own darkness of mind, and self distrust. Growth in grace requires an increasing acquaintance with the nature of sin, and of our unworthiness ; and this knowledge will be likely to darken and distress the mind, unless faith be strong, and the efficacy of the atonement be very clearly discerned.
To Bliss L. K.
“Newbury, Sept. 20, 1807.
“You requested me, dear L, to write soon after my return. With pleasure I comply, as it fixes you in my imagination, and gives me sensations almost as pleasing as a verbal intercourse. O may that Spirit which unites the hearts of the children of God in love, direct my thoughts, and guide my pen to write that which may be useful in our journey to another world. You ask, “What are the evidences of growth in grace ?” From reading the lives of pious people, and the word of God, I have come to the following conclusion, though different from my ideas formerly.
“A person