“Feb. 27. This day has been regarded by our friends on land as a day of fasting and prayer for the prosperity of this mission, and I hope the same object has not been forgotten by us on the sea. I spent some time this evening on deck. The weather was pleasant ; the motion of the vessel gentle, though rapid ; the full moon shone clearly on the water ; and all things around conspired to excite pleasing though melancholy sensations. My native land, my home, my friends, and all my forsaken enjoyments, rushed into my mind ; my tears flowed profusely, and I could not be comforted. Soon, however, the consideration of having left all these for the dear cause of Christ, and the hope of being, one day, instrumental of leading some poor degraded females to embrace him as their Saviour, soothed my griefs, dried up my tears, and restored peace and tranquillity to my mind.
“Feb. 29. The weather continues pleasant, so that we are able to spend much time on deck. I see that there is no situation in life in which trials and enjoyments, pains and pleasures, are not intermingled. I calculated on nothing but difficulties and distresses, during the voyage, and am disappointed in finding many pleasures. God frequently deprives his children of the good things of this world, that they may be sensible they have no portion here. Have I not, then, reason to fear that I am receiving my only portion ? And yet my heart tells me, that I do not wish to take these things as my portion. I would rather be deprived of them than that they should deprive me of the enjoyment of the light of God’s countenance. I desire a heavenly inheritance that will never fail me. I desire that the great, the infinite God, may be my portion, my friend, my all.”
To her Mother.
“At Sea, Sabbath eve, March 1, 1812.
“No daughter would ever more gladly relieve the anxieties of a mother, than I yours. The motives which induced me to go, and you to give your consent, ought now to support us, and prevent our indulging useless regret for what we cannot help. The life I now lead is much happier than I expected. Though deprived of many sources of enjoyment, I am surrounded with mercies. I have been sick every day since we sailed until to-day. My sickness has not been very distressing. I have been quite well part of the time ; and when my sickness returned, found almost immediate relief from lying down. I suffer the most for the want of an appetite. However, we have such a variety of provisions on board, I generally find something I can relish. From the order and regularity of things in the cabin, you would hardly imagine we are on board of a vessel. The captain is a young gentleman of an amiable disposition and pleasing manners. He and all the officers treat us with the greatest kindness and respect. Every thing they have is at our service. Last Sabbath, the first of our being here, we had no preaching or religious worship. To-day it was proposed to the captain to have worship in the cabin. He readily assented, and joined with us, together with two of the other officers. I have not heard the least profane language since I have been on board the vessel. This is very uncommon.”
“March 5. Began Cave’s Lives of the Apostles and Martyrs. O for that ardent piety which was so conspicuous in them, and for that willingness to suffer for Christ’s sake, which they manifested. I long to have my mind raised above fleeting, transitory objects, and placed entirely on those with which my soul is most nearly concerned, that so I may live as becomes a stranger and pilgrim on the earth. May even that one tie which still binds me to earth, though so strong and endearing, not hold my heart, my thoughts from Him, who alone is worthy of my supreme regard.
“7. Have enjoyed religion more than usual, and felt peculiarly desirous of being more spiritual and heavenly-minded. Although I am almost secluded from the world, and have few things to attract my attention, yet I find that my heart frequently wanders from God, in search of happiness from other objects. I find it equally necessary to watch and pray, as when surrounded by worldly temptations.
“12. Spent most of the day in reading, and the evening in religious conversation. We conversed much on death, and the probability of our finding an early grave. The subject was solemn and affecting, yet secretly pleasing and consoling. I never felt more willingness to die, or a stronger hope in Christ. Am astonished that I have thought no more of dying, and made no more preparation for death. Resolve to make it the business of each day to prepare to die.
“13. Enjoyed more than usual in secret prayer. Continue to feel impressed with the conversation of last evening, and to realize the importance of living a holy, spiritual life.
“14. Have been reading the Lives of Sir William Jones, and Dr. Doddridge. What a striking difference between the two characters. The former distinguished for his erudition ; the latter for his piety. The great object of the one, was evidently the attainment of literary fame, and the applause of man. The other sought chiefly the good of immortal souls, and the approbation of God. Enjoyed much this evening in conversation and prayer. Perhaps some of my friends at home were praying for me ; and in answer to their prayers, the Holy Spirit came to animate and comfort my heart. I feel thankful that God has given me an opportunity, and inclined my heart, to leave all my friends for a heathen land. I desire no higher enjoyment in this life than to be instrumental of leading some poor, ignorant heathen females to the knowledge of the Saviour. To have a female praying society, consisting of those who were once in heathen darkness, is what my heart earnestly pants after, and makes a constant subject of prayer. Resolved to keep this in view, as one principal object of my life.
“April 6. Spent the evening in conversing on religious subjects, particularly the difficulty of living a holy, spiritual life. We resolved to be more watchful over the sins of our hearts, and make greater efforts to live devoted to God. O may these resolutions not be in vain ; for our future usefulness depends essentially on our advancement in the divine life. At present, I feel that I am a weak Christian indeed, and if only sincere, am willing to be considered the very least in the whole church.”
To her Sister.
“At Sea, April 11, 1812.
“I find Mr. Judson one of the kindest, most faithful, and affectionate of husbands. His conversation frequently dissipates the gloomy clouds of spiritual darkness which hang over my mind, and brightens my hope of a happy eternity. I hope God will make us instrumental of preparing each other for usefulness in this world, and greater happiness in a future world.”
“May 18. Have enjoyed an uncommon degree of peace and comfort for many, many days. I do not recollect any period of my life, in which I have, for so long a time, had such constant peace of mind. The last fortnight I have spent in reading the Scriptures and works on their authenticity and inspiration. Have gained much clearer views of the Christian religion, its blessed tendency, its unrivalled excellence. Christ appears peculiarly precious, amiable and glorious, as the author of such a religion. Of late, I have had no anxious feelings about my future situation in life, though all before me is so uncertain ; but have had a disposition to leave all with my heavenly Father, to do with me as he pleases. I sometimes feel very thankful, that God has called me from my friends and native land, to a land of strangers, of spiritual darkness and death, thereby giving me an opportunity of denying myself of those enjoyments, on which I have been too prone to set my heart; and has thereby, I trust, led me to feel more deeply my dependence on him, and choose him for my only portion.”
To Miss L. K.
“At Sea, N. Lat. 9, E. Long. 86.
“My dearest L——,
“When I reflect on the many sources of enjoyment I have left in my native land ; when I think of my home, and the friends of my youth, the idea of having left them for ever, is exquisitely painful. Yet I have never regretted having left them for the cause of Christ. No, my dear Lydia, in my most gloomy hours, or in the apparent near approach of death, I never have for a moment repented my having chosen the rugged, thorny path through which a Missionary must pass, in preference to the smooth and easy life I might have led in my native country. The thought of having acted from a sense of duty in thus voluntarily quitting my native land, has always been a powerful opiate to calm my fears in the midst of danger, and to induce me to place unlimited confidence in God.