‘Safely guide my wandering feet.
Travelling in this vale of tears ;
Dearest Saviour, to thy seat
Lead, and dissipate my fears.’”
The change in her feelings and views, which she has thus described, was a thorough and permanent one. She immediately entered on the duties, and sought for the pleasures, of religion, with all the ardour of her natural character. Several letters to her young friends, written soon after this period, have been preserved. They are almost exclusively confined to religious topics; and some of them, addressed to individuals who had not then made the Saviour their refuge, breathe an earnest desire for their welfare, and a faithfulness in beseeching them to repent of their sins and believe in the Redeemer, which indicate the early workings of the same zeal that afterwards led her to Burmah.
“Redeeming Jove,” says an intimate friend, “was now her theme. One might spend days with her, without hearing any other subject reverted to. The throne of grace, too, was her early and late resort. I have known her to spend cold winter evenings in a chamber without fire, and return to the family with a solemnity spread over her countenance, which told of Him with whom she had been communing. Nor was her love of social pleasures diminished, although the complexion of them was completely changed. Even at this late period I fancy I see her, with strong feeling depicted on her countenance, inclining over her Bible, rising to place it on the stand, retiring to her chamber, and after a season of prayer, proceeding to visit this and that family, to speak of him whom her soul loved. She thirsted for the knowledge of gospel truth, in all its relations and dependencies. Besides the daily study of Scripture, with Guise, Orton, and Scott before her, she perused with deep interest the. works of Edwards, Hopkins, Bellamy, Doddridge, &c. With Edwards on Redemption, she was instructed, quickened, strengthened. Well do I remember the elevated smile which beamed on her countenance, when she first spoke to me of its precious contents. She had transcribed, with her own hand, Edwards’ leading and most striking remarks on this great subject. When reading scripture, sermons, or other works, if she met with any sentiment or doctrine, which seemed dark and intricate, she would mark it, and beg the first clergyman,” who called at her father’s, to elucidate and explain it.”
Her religious feelings were nevertheless affected by the same fluctuations as those of other Christians. The fervour of her affections made her, indeed, more liable than persons of a more equable temperament, to the changes, which physical as well as moral causes occasion in the spiritual joys of Christians. Her piety did not consist in feeling ; but there is no true religion without feeling: and the heart which has ever been suitably affected by the stupendous truths and hopes of Christianity, cannot be satisfied with a dull insensibility, or even with a calm equanimity. There will be a consciousness of disproportion between the subjects which Christianity presents to the mind, and the feelings which they awaken ; and the self reproach that will thus be occasioned, will be increased, by a recollection of the strong affections and lively joys which the heart experienced in the ardour of its first love. Every believer has frequent occasion to accuse himself of a want of lively sensibility to his privileges and duties; and while he can look back to seasons when he was more zealous in his piety, and when his enjoyment of religious pleasures was greater than at present, he will fear that he has receded instead of advancing. He will deplore his unfaithfulness and coldness, and will “write bitter things” against himself.
The fragments of Mrs. Judson’s journal contain many details of these alternations of joy and sorrow, of hope and self-accusation, of which all Christians are, in some degree, partakers. A few extracts will now be inserted ;
“July 30, 1806. I find my heart cold and hard. I fear there is no spiritual life in me. I am in an unhappy state, for nothing in life can afford me satisfaction, without the light of God’s countenance. Why is my heart so far from thee, O God, when it is my highest happiness to enjoy thy presence ! Let me no more wander from thee ; but
‘Send down thy Spirit from above,
And fill my soul with sacred love.’
“Aug. 5. Were it left to my choice, whether to follow the vanities of the world, and go to heaven at last, or to live a religious life, have trials with sin and temptation, and sometimes enjoy the light of God’s reconciled countenance, I should not hesitate a moment in choosing the latter ; for there is no real satisfaction in the enjoyments of time and sense. If the young in the midst of their diversions, could picture to themselves the Saviour hanging on the cross, his hands and feet streaming with blood, his head pierced with thorns, his body torn with scourges, and reflect that by their wicked lives, they open those wounds afresh, they would feel constrained to repent, and cry for mercy on their souls. O my God, let me never more join with the wicked world, or take enjoyment in any thing short of conformity to thy holy will ! May I ever keep in mind the solemn day, when I shall appear before thee ! May I ever flee to the bleeding Saviour, as my only refuge, and renouncing my own righteousness, may I rely entirely on the righteousness of thy dear Son !
“Aug. 6. I have many doubts about my spiritual state. I fear I do not really love the divine character ; and if not, what a dreadful situation I am in ! And is it possible, that I have never given myself away to God in sincerity and truth? I will do it now. In thy strength, O God, I resign myself into thy hands, and resolve to live devoted to thee. I desire conformity to thy will, more than any thing beside. I desire to have the Spirit of Christ, to be adorned with all the Christian graces, to be more engaged in the cause of Christ, and feel more concerned for the salvation of precious souls.
“Aug. 31. Another Sabbath is passed. Have attended publick worship, but with wandering thoughts. O how depraved I find my heart ! Yet I cannot think of going back to the world, and renouncing my Saviour. O merciful God, save me from myself, and enable me to commit myself entirely to thee.
“Sept. 2. I have discovered new beauties in the way of salvation by Christ. The righteousness which he has wrought out is complete, and he is able to save the chief of sinners. But above all, his wondrous dying love, and glorious resurrection, astonish my soul. How can I ever sin against this Saviour again ? O keep me from sinning against thee, dear Redeemer, and enable me to live to the promotion of thy glory.
“Sept. 14. I have, this day, publickly professed myself a disciple of Christ, and covenanted with him, at his sacred table.* I am now renewedly bound to keep his commandments, and walk in his steps. O may this solemn covenant never be broken. May I be guarded from the vanities of this life, and spend all my days in the service of God. O keep me, merciful God, keep me ; for I have no strength of my own ; I shall dishonour thy cause and ruin my soul, unless guided by thee.
“Nov. 3. Another day, for which I must give an account, has gone into eternity. It will appear, on the great day, dressed in the very garb which I have given it. Spent the evening with my young religious friends and Mr. P. whose conversation was remarkably solemn. He advised us to make resolutions, for the government of our daily conduct. I feel myself unable to keep any resolutions that I may make ; but humbly relying on the grace of God for assistance, I will try. I do desire to live wholly devoted to God, and to have every sin in my heart entirely slain.
“O thou God of all grace, I humbly beseech thee to enable me to keep the following resolutions ;—When I first awake, solemnly devote myself to God, for the day. Read several passages of Scriptures, and then spend as long time in prayer, as circumstances permit. Read two chapters in the Old Testament, and one in the New, and meditate thereon. Attend to the duties of my chamber. If I have no needle work to do, read in some religious book. At school diligently attend to the duties before me, and let not one moment pass unimproved. At noon, read a portion of Scripture, pray for the blessing of God, and spend the remainder of the intermission, in reading