Family and Life Circumstances
Teen girls live inside all kinds of families: biological, adopted, foster, blended, single-parent, double-parent, two moms, two dads, and as many differences within families as between them. Some families have greater financial means; others struggle to make ends meet. Some families are dealing with addiction, health concerns, and even extreme circumstances such as abuse and incarceration. Some girls are born into order and peace, while others are born into chaos and drama.
All families function differently, depending on family values such as integrity, curiosity, loyalty, respect, and kindness, as well as family traditions and rituals. Communication styles vary too. Some family members speak about feelings and concerns in an open and honest way. Others tend to avoid or deny feelings and important conversations. All families also have ancestral history, behavioural patterns established long ago that a teen girl is often not privy to until she is older.
No matter what circumstances she is born into, family can have a profound effect on a growing girl’s identity. Family can push her with the encouragement she needs to take a chance when scared. It can also pull at her with demands and responsibilities for which she is not ready: “As the oldest, I expect you to be in charge.” Yet a girl can reciprocate by doing some pushing and pulling of her own: simultaneously pushing family members away so she can go it alone and pulling them close for comfort and familiarity. Parents often speak to me about this confusing “I need you but I don’t want to need you” experience. Believe me, she feels as confused as you do! Some girls tell me that their parents “just don’t get” them or “are so overprotective and ask way too many questions.” But other girls surprise me with comments like “My family will be there for me in a way friends can’t be,” or “Even when I totally mess up, my parents still love me.”
What’s happening here is that your teen is testing your boundaries to see what she can get away with and if your strength and security can keep her safe. She is also learning to fact-check you—more to prove she can think for herself than to prove you wrong—and to cross-check family beliefs and values with her own. Family can be her rock, a place where she feels most like herself and where she can unburden her stressors. But family can also be a source of stress, forcing her to be someone she is not. The conflict between wanting to be independent and yet needing to feel dependent on family is deeply felt by many teen girls, whether they are fourteen or nineteen. It will take some balance from you to show her how to balance that conflict in herself.
Choice and Voice
The teen years are tricky to navigate when it comes to family. You may want to continue with family time and the “way things were,” while she is eager to break free from “jail.” You’ll need to find compromise and balance. Living in your home, she’s still expected to have chores, duties, and responsibilities. A teen girl trying to figure out who she is as a separate entity from her family will need more choice to use her voice. Choice and voice in the family home will build up her self-confidence and her self-worth, both of which will serve her well outside of the home. Here are some ways to provide opportunities for her to practise using her voice:
•Ask her opinion about dinner and weekend plans, and delve deeper into current events and social issues. She may instinctively say, “I don’t know,” but give her time to consider and ask what she does know.
•Encourage her to examine her opinions and state why she thinks what she does. Listen and stay open-minded. Say things like “I want to understand where you are coming from. Tell me more.”
•Avoid assuming that she is unaware of various topics or dismissing what she says as uninformed.
•Assure your teen that she can tell you anything—and mean it. Show her you are available and ask questions out of curiosity, not judgment.
•Be inquisitive about what’s below the surface. Ask, “How was the party last night? Was it what you expected?” Or “I notice you’re putting in a lot of time on social media. What kinds of posts are you seeing?” Or “You seem quiet lately. I’d love to hear what’s on your mind.” When you ask creative and open-ended questions—questions she may not expect from you—you invite her to share.
•Respond with understanding and encouragement when she offers you an insight into her world. Even if you are shocked by what she says, remain calm in your response.
•Refrain from assuming she doesn’t want to talk; she may not know how to get her words out. Giving her choice instead can help: “Does your ‘I’m fine’ mean you are, in fact, fine, or do you need more time to consider how you are doing?” (Sometimes “I’m fine” actually means “I really want to share with you but I am afraid you will react or overreact.”)
She’ll talk when she’s ready, and you need to be ready and available for these occasionally rare moments. Conversations can be had around the dinner table, or during rituals parents commit to, such as Saturday morning breakfast at her favourite cafe. But more likely these conversations will happen spontaneously: in the car on the drive home from soccer, just before bed when you say a quick good night, or when you find her lounging across your bed with her iPad. Remember: your frustrations about her choice of clothing or friends, or undone chores and homework, or myriad other things you fight about are not the conversations she wants to have—they distract from the real stuff, the good stuff. She wants to tell you how afraid she feels to go to PE class and about the rejection she sometimes feels in her peer group. But she can’t get there until she feels safe and ready. Most of all, a girl needs to know that her decision to create a life better than the one she was born into is a positive step forward. She need not feel guilty or ashamed. Family circumstances do not—should not—hold her back from who and all she wants to become. We can tell her this!
The Effect of Peers on a Teen Girl’s Identity
I’ll talk more about the influence of peers, for good and bad, in chapter 6. Here, though, I want to explore the effects of peers on a teen girl’s identity, as these are formative influences. There comes a point in every teen girl’s life when she likes spending time with her family a little less and time with her friends a little more. This transition period from the comfort of home to the new and unfamiliar social world can be easy for parents who choose to let go and more difficult for those who choose to cling tighter, filled with worry and trepidation that pressures from peers are too much for their little girls.
Without a doubt, her friends are now influencing her far more than you can. You may not like her friends or even know them. Gone are the days of scheduling play dates and chatting with other parents to confirm (and vet) them beforehand. She’s making her own choices now and it’s tough to watch, especially when those choices are not healthy, when she gives up who she is in order to be accepted, and when she is so worried about fitting in that she forgets about herself. The truth is that her identity, her values, her interests, her habits, and her self-worth work in close connection. She is learning important social mores, such as letting her friend finish her story before offering her own opinion, and the unwritten social rules of girlhood, like sharing exciting news with confidence but not conceit. Other girls will call her out on unacceptable social behaviours, and she will learn quickly. But right now, she needs others to understand both her own identity and how to behave.
She will start sorting out whom she wants to spend time with: Someone like her, with shared values and interests? Or someone