SONG-AH
For sure I wear the tough girl mask and definitely in sports because all my friends are in very competitive sports—like at the national level—in swimming, in soccer, and in softball. I feel like when I play sports with them, I try to be tough and pretend I know what I am doing because they are so good. I don’t want them to see that I doubt myself and feel I am not yet good enough at sports. It’s easier not to be vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you can get really hurt by people and they could make fun of you. If you act tough, people can’t hurt you. I don’t feel ready to lower this mask yet. I feel like it would be hard and I’d feel that people would treat me differently or exclude me. If I weren’t wearing the tough girl mask, I think I’d be happy inside that I don’t have to pretend anymore and also relieved—it’s a lot of pressure to keep it on! Actually, I’d be okay with it. Maybe I am not as athletic as some of my friends. Talent only takes you so far and then it becomes all about hard work and whatever I put my mind to.
Perfectionism and Inadequacy
Not good enough—three powerful and crippling words. Teen girls everywhere are feeling the “not good enough” epidemic, and it comes in many forms: not pretty enough, not smart enough, not popular enough, not sexy or skinny enough, not racialized enough, not rich or poor enough, not “normal” enough. The categories may take different forms but the memo is loud and clear when it comes to her identity formation: “You are just not enough.” The obsession with achievement and perfection is pervasive in our society—through advertising and online images, celebrity status, and even peer status—and this destroys a teen girl’s sense of selfhood. In Enough As She Is, Rachel Simmons writes about the damage of perfectionism in this way: “It costs girls their courage, curbing their ability to figure out who they are and what really matters most to them, exactly at the moment when this developmental task must be undertaken.”8
Feelings of inadequacy are pushing your teen daughter to be “better,” often beyond her own limits; they are also preventing her from honouring her unique identity. No surprise, then, that the more girls try to be “good enough,” the less worthy they feel and the more perfect they try to be—a vicious cycle.
All day, every day, girls see “perfect” in the carefully curated images on their social media feeds; they decide they need to be perfect too, believing this is their ticket to feeling happy, successful, and included. They strive for perfection: to be the perfect friend, to earn perfect grades, to attain the perfect look. And when they fail to reach these unrealistic ideals, they conclude there is something wrong with them—instead of realizing there is something wrong with the unhealthy societal standards that set them up in the first place. Unfortunately, a teen’s perceived failure will convince her to try harder, to be even more perfect. This cycle never ends because it is fuelled by deeply rooted seeds of “not good enough.” There is a direct correlation between the choice to be anything—or, for some girls, everything—and low self-worth. Perfectionism is an easy tool to grab to control the burden of inadequacy.
The cycle is damaging and destructive. You’ll see her push and punish herself, trying so hard yet never feeling satisfied, and showing not a hint of kindness or self-compassion. Many girls I work with are perfectionists, and we often start by deconstructing perfection. I want to give every girl a T-shirt that declares Perfect, just as I am or Good enough, as is. I often ask, “If perfect wasn’t an option, who would you be?” They pause and then come back with words like “free” or “happy.” Free to practise and progress, free to make mistakes, free to feel good as they take steps toward improvement, and free to be brave and take risks. Happy, just as she is. Once girls “get” that letting go of perfect may be a healthy option—an option that will also relieve them of enormous stress and strain—they come to an amazing realization: they can still achieve, but from a place of “I am enough” and self-confidence rather than from a place of “I need to prove I am enough.”
You can’t prevent your teen girl from absorbing cultural messages that encourage her to be “more” or perfect. You can, however, be proactive in delivering your own message: you do not expect perfection of yourself, and she should not expect it of herself either. We need to tell girls every day that they are enough as they are. By focusing on inner qualities such as her kindness, her compassion, and her willingness to try, we help her to focus on what matters most—her core values, not her achievements. This is not to say she should not strive for excellence. Excellence and perfectionism are not the same thing. Excellence is a journey of better and better every day, a gentle nudge for ongoing improvement that feels like progress. Perfectionism is an elusive destination that nobody ever reaches.
There are simple ways you can help your perfectionist teen daughter recognize that she is good enough as is. Tell her that you love her, just as she is, with a tender touch, a simple hug, and by simply being there. Yes, being there and the power of your presence is something, even though you may feel it’s not doing anything. Praise her while she’s working on her homework or a project and ask if she needs help. Ensure she takes the time to talk or just to have fun, to take her mind off her stress. “Not good enough” can become “good enough as is and getting better every day” for every single one of our perfectionistic daughters. Perfection need not be an inevitable part of a teen girl’s identity. In fact, we can liberate our girls from the quest for perfectionism by guiding them to let go.
All She Can Be
Five years ago, with clarity and intentionality, I named my company Bold New Girls. The “bold” stands for the confidence and bravery that we all want girls to feel. And “new” stands for the hope that every day is a new day—a new chance to embrace a fresh start and become all she can and wants to be, with neither the limits of the world nor the limitations she places on herself weighing her down. When a girl is “all she can be,” she is letting go of the idea of who she should be. She is letting go of pleasing and impressing others, letting go of searching for validation and approval outside of herself and instead seeking self-acceptance and self-love. She is lowering any masks she might be wearing to hide her true self and releasing any pressure she puts on herself to be perfect.
To help your teen girl achieve all she can be, I recommend you begin with a question of playful curiosity that I often use in my practice: “What if?” This poignant question dares her to imagine: “What if you were a little braver every day? What if you weren’t afraid of failure? What if you had that difficult conversation you needed to have, even though it was uncomfortable? What if you could be anything, and all possibilities were open for your taking? What if your identity and who you are are good enough—then who would you be?” When I ask these questions, the looks on girls’ faces often move from confused (good enough?) to relief (good enough!). They pause. They think.
Planting seeds with the language of possibility is crucial. Your teen girl cannot become what she does not know is possible, and she cannot know what is possible if it is not talked about. Once you help her imagine the outcomes, she can work backwards and start taking small steps toward actualizing her goal. Girls need to know they can embrace their identities despite family circumstances, school, and cultural and societal expectations. Teen girls need to know they can be what they choose: lawyers, designers, teachers, engineers, investors, inventors, moms, entrepreneurs, artists, or musicians. Your message of “you can be anything” must be louder and stronger than any cultural message.
From the outside looking in, a teenage girl’s world appears complex—and it is. But as you and she navigate it—you from the periphery and she from the inside—an amazing thing happens. With every step she takes, every stumble she overcomes, every choice and challenge she engages, she gains deeper insight and a broader understanding of herself. She is widening her circle; her identity is