The things that I wonder about, worry about, and wish for girls have changed and intensified as the world has advanced rapidly. Twenty years ago, the world was a different place. Over a decade ago we didn’t have smartphones, Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat. We shopped in real stores, not virtual ones. We had in-person conversations and caught up over coffee. We may be getting used to this version of living—this is all girls know to be true—but there’s no doubt that many of these recent changes have increased the pressure for teen girls to grow up. There is pressure to be beautiful and talented, equipped and empowered, and involved in the community. There is pressure to keep up with social media and trends, fit in with friends (while also discovering her uniqueness), and make it all look effortless.
Girls today are part of the iGeneration, a cohort born between 1995 and 2012. They are known to be super-comfortable with technology and constantly “connected” to social media and their devices.1 This is how they relate to one another, how they survive; in fact, it is the only way they know. They prefer software to hardware (an e-book or audio version as opposed to an actual book), and they live in a fast-paced, always changing, digital world, with access to anything they want 24/7. Occasionally, they will step out of their online world (BRB, or “be right back”) to spend brief moments in the real world—perhaps for a breath of fresh air or a snack—before heading back to the familiarity and comfort of the internet. She will typically be wearing jeans, a topknot, and ear buds, and she’s likely involved in several “textlationships” (a relationship primarily based on texting).
There’s no doubt that this ubiquitous digital world shapes and influences a girl, exposing her to thousands of digital images as she scrolls and swipes her device for up to nine hours each day.2 I am convinced that this constant stream of info and imagery is having a profound impact on the pressure she feels to be all things to all people. Research3 shows that this generation of girls is growing up sooner and faster than any other generation, physically, emotionally, socially, and, yes, sexually.4 There is the pressure to be herself but also to conform; to have a voice but refrain from being too loud or too strong; to be a leader but not overly ambitious or threatening; to do her part in the home while creating her own life outside of its comforts; to think for herself but to ask for help when she needs it; to maintain her social media profile yet withstand the pressures to be pretty and sexy; to focus on being her best self without joining the chase for perfection. These are the pressures girls talk openly about.
Less often mentioned, but arguably applying even more pressure, are the silent struggles teen girls often hide: struggles with gender identity, sex and sexualization, and mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression. And then there is the brewing conflict between yearning for independence and feeling stuck in a state of dependence, between wanting to face the world alone and prepared, and knowing (but perhaps not admitting) that she’s just not ready—yet.
Your teenage daughter is changing in every way imaginable. Her body is changing as she goes through puberty. Her brain is changing as it sprouts, prunes, and reorganizes neuronal circuits.5 Her language is shifting to become more self-deprecating and comparative. And her social circles are evolving as she tries to figure out who she is and where she belongs. These are the years when her inner circle of friends becomes so important. Not only do they benefit from her time and attention, but they also become the holders of her secrets, the ones she trusts with the inner workings of her mind. It is a time of great change for you as well, as you must learn to let go of her hand and let her grow up.
Imagine a circle. When your daughter was a little girl, the two of you stood together in that circle. Now that she is a teen, she is standing in the circle on her own. Using a hula hoop as a prop, I tell girls: “You are the centre of your own circle. Two feet planted firmly on the ground. You are the one who gets to make your own choices and decisions and decide who and what you want in or out of your circle.” Her circle is her boundary; her circle is her power; her circle is the life she is creating for herself. And it truly is her circle. You are no longer in the centre with her, and this is a healthy indicator of her growth.
Although you are her chef, chauffeur, cheerleader, tutor, coach, counsellor, and—let’s face it—bank machine, you are no longer her everything. But you are her someone. As she grows, you experience the tacit process of letting go of who she once was and watching her grow into someone new. This can be difficult. At the same time, though, it is incredibly rewarding. As teens grow, they are yearning for independence, freedom, and the chance to show you that they can do it, that they don’t need you quite as much as they used to. The hand that reaches out to hold yours every once in a while is just as likely to be raised in the classic gesture that says “stop.” It’s her way of telling you, “I got this. I don’t need your help!”
Parenting from the Periphery
Popular culture has some stereotypical boxes for parents, including tiger parents (strict and demanding parents who push and pressure their children); helicopter parents (who pay extremely close attention to their child’s experiences and problems); lawnmower or snowplow parents (who attempt to save their children from any obstacle, pain, or inconvenience they may face); outsourcers (parents who choose to pay professionals to do the work of parenting for them); and jellyfish parents (who let their kids do anything they want).6 In The Dolphin Way, Dr. Shimi Kang suggests that the ideal parent is authoritative in nature but firm and flexible.7
The parenting style that is best for you and your daughter will depend on your unique relationship. Sometimes parenting will require tough love: reinforcing the rules you have set out for her when she needs to be held accountable for her actions (or inactions), or when she has to be called out on rudeness, disrespect, and disobedience. Other times, you’ll need to offer her soft love: when she is being hard on herself, when she has royally screwed up and she knows it, or when she is going through hardships or a season of loss. You know best how she ticks, and what is needed depending on the situation at hand.
The style of parenting I recommend is that of the periphery parent. You are not her friend or in her circle. You are her parent—far enough away so she has the space and freedom to make her own choices, to feel free to be herself, and, yes, to make her own mistakes, but close enough to offer your encouragement and guidance and provide strength and security as she needs. She will show you she is ready to be her own person, but remember this: she still needs you, just in new and different ways.
Parenting from the periphery requires a new way of relating and a new approach. Periphery parenting means getting comfortable with being the observer on the outskirts, the silent supporter, ready when she needs you or when absolutely necessary but avoiding interfering or intervening when she is doing all right on her own. As we all know, teen girls can be moody, unpredictable, rebellious, truculent, and confusing. But they can also be strong, brave, confident, courageous, loving, enthusiastic, surprising, and amazing. This is why how we speak to them and also about them matters so much, as does how we treat them. Treading carefully and intentionally through these unchartered waters is not easy (we may fall into power struggles, arguments, and use of “colourful language”). Nevertheless, I encourage you to keep at it with patience and practice, to acquire some knowledge of the development of the teenage brain, and to accept that from time to time you will make mistakes too. Because that is what she wants from you!
Begin parenting on the periphery with listening: listen to what your teen girl has to say, and feel for the emotions behind her words. Listen without judgment. Wait in the silence and allow her to pause and consider