Girls I speak with love having a group of friends that they feel build them up and embolden them to be brave. Friends help them to feel “normal” when they share common interests, hobbies, opinions, and worries as well as an emotional connection. But girls also feel deeply the pressures that come with friendships: to dress like other girls, to talk like them, to be interested in the same things, and to even share the same tastes in music and celebrities, even if that means not being true to themselves (see chapter 6 for more on peer pressure). Although there is safety and normalcy in sameness and conformity, girls also often reveal how much they wish they could “do whatever I want and not be judged.”
I met Emma when her mother reached out to me for help with Emma’s social skills. Emma had no real friendships at school and was labelled “weird” in the worst sense of the word, as in “weirdo.” Emma had slowly separated from the other girls in her class, with whom she felt she had nothing in common. Instead, she began to solidify what she loved to do: she biked to school instead of getting a ride, like the other girls; she brought her lunch to school in recyclable containers instead of buying one; and in class she would speak up about feminist issues, while avoiding chats with girls about boys and weekend plans.
I was challenged because I did not want to confuse Emma with a mixed message: be yourself but change to fit in. As we got to know each other better, I affirmed all the times she used positive social skills, such as asking questions, listening and responding to some of my comments, and complimenting me. Emma was less strong in social skills such as showing empathy, connecting with others’ feelings, and taking the time to understand or even learn from an opinion different than her own. I loved that Emma was herself, and I told her so frequently. At the same time, I helped her develop her social skills so that she could have “the best of both worlds.” I’ll never forget the joy that spread across her face when she told me how the other girls were starting to ask her questions about riding her bike to school and some of her passion projects around social issues.
Girls do know that their identities are being shaped by people they spend a lot of time with, and they do struggle to find their unique identity within the group culture. Just like Emma, they want the best of both worlds: enough conformity to feel “normal” and enough authenticity to feel “special.” Girls long for this kind of balance. Yet research shows us that despite their best intentions to be independent thinkers and have unique personalities, when the choice is between staying true to their voice or giving in to the group, most girls choose the latter because the fear of social rejection is debilitating. A teen girl often feels she does not have a choice between these two poles—she either agrees and gives in or is ostracized, also known as social disaster. The desire for belonging is so great that a teen girl will do anything—and I mean anything—to belong, even if she knows the danger of surrender means losing herself in favour of pleasing others. In other words, she will shape-shift, or be defined by and shaped by other people. I will talk more about how to help your teen girl avoid this pitfall later (p. 42).
Your daughter’s experiences in friendship are where you will see the most experimentation with her personality. Depending on the group she is hanging out with, she may be mean or bossy, sweet or quiet, hyper or crazy, quirky or calm. You may drop her off at school in the morning sporting one personality only to pick her up in the afternoon trying out a new one, complete with its own vernacular and attitude: “Mom, you totally don’t, like, get it, but you need to take me for sushi. I’m staaaaaaarving.” This imposter may not be the daughter you waved goodbye to in the morning, but never fear: she will be back, once she figures out how to sound more like herself.
What you can do is keep an eye on her, be curious about her friends, and check in with her about how she’s feeling after spending time with different people. Ask her what qualities are important to her in friendship and remind her that you trust her. Tell her to listen to her gut and trust her feelings about which friends are best suited to her. For instance, you can ask, “What do you like best about Zoe?” Or “I notice you giving up a lot to do what Sophie wants. What does Sophie give up for you?” We can help girls pay attention to their friend experiences in order to gain a better understanding of some fundamentals of friendship—namely, respect, reciprocity, loyalty, and care. If a friend doesn’t fit her standard, then empower her to let go and move on to new friends.
The worst thing you can do here is project your fears onto her. Tell a teenage girl who she can’t hang out with and she will often purposefully defy you by making her casual acquaintance her new best friend forever (BFF). She will see you as a controlling helicopter parent (yes, she knows exactly what this is), and she will hate you hovering over her when she is trying to figure out who is in her circle. I beg you, don’t be a helicopter. At the end of the day, most girls do find their way through the “spring cleaning” season of friends, and they understand that those who surround them are shaping them. Again, this is her choice, not yours.
Culture and Society
The final ring in the series of circles surrounding your teen daughter’s centre is culture and society. The world—society in general, but social media specifically—is constantly telling your daughter who to be and how she should be defined. She is categorized by gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, clothing and style, body type, lifestyle choices, socio-economic status, education, and achievement. Concurrently, she is influenced through music, music videos, video games, movies, social media sites, television, magazines, books, billboards, celebrities, online sensations, and advertising. Marketing companies target youth by sending them a mixed message: “Be anything you want to be,” but “Be this kind of beautiful and this kind of successful.” These companies are also selling brands and products to “help” improve our impressionable girls, while simultaneously teaching them that more is better (you can never have too much) and you gotta have it now (why wait?). This is smart from a business perspective—it plants the seeds of consumerism for future buyers—but it is damaging to teen girls’ self-worth. How influential is media and social media on your teen daughter? Research tells us: very.6
Everywhere girls turn—whether to the online world or a concert featuring their favourite indie band—the message is loud and clear: be what the world tells you to be. Girls absorb the societal pressures to be good at everything, which results in the “supergirl syndrome” of trying to be super-powerful, super-strong, and super-talented—and making it look effortless. What girls may not know is that in striving for perfection they are undermining their own self-confidence as their stress skyrockets. Girls feel the demands of social stereotypes acutely as they find themselves trapped in a box that, all too often, they did not choose.
Societal messages are noisy, incessant, and often unrealistic and unhealthy, especially when it comes to body image (see chapter 2).7 The often-competing messages teen girls receive are cause for parental concern. She needs time and space to hear the quieter voice within, guiding her to follow her own path. You do not want her voice to be dimmed or silenced. So how can you help to protect your teen girl from warped societal and cultural messages? Can we undo what she’s already been brainwashed to believe and reteach her more positive messages? Yes. What I know is that girls need to be both positively inspired and positively influenced. Here are some ways to do this:
•Maintain