•Provide competition for screen time by planning activities with her. You won’t get her to give up her phone entirely, but you may be able to entice her to go to a movie or the newest clothing store.
•Explore your own social circles for healthy role models. Look for a family friend, an older cousin, or an aunt willing to spend time with her and provide a powerful example.
The Masks of Her Identity
When adolescent girls feel they need to shield their authentic feelings and identity, they often reach quickly for a mask. A mask can serve them well when they are feeling vulnerable or deciding whom to trust. However, masks also keep girls distant and disconnected not only from others but also from themselves. And, if masks are worn constantly, girls are at risk for mistaking the mask for who they really are. If you think your teen girl is hiding behind a mask, the best way to help her lower it is simply to notice it, and then to be curious and slowly encourage her to reveal her true self.
In Growing Strong Girls, I discussed both the mean girl and the good girl facades: the former excluding, degrading, and tormenting other girls to gain a sense of power and dominance; the latter acting as the obedient rule-follower, who is an expert at keeping up appearances and being, well, “good.” Each persona serves as a disguise for the real girl who desperately wants to be included and accepted. In many ways, masks provide the perfect disguise for a teen girl seeking (even subconsciously) to protect her identity and safeguard herself from her ultimate fears of being known or misunderstood.
Let’s explore three different yet equally common masks teen girls wear: the supergirl, the invisible girl, and the cool girl. It’s important to note that girls can adopt all of these masks at various times, or none of them. Perhaps she wears an entirely different mask. In my experience, however, these three tend to be the most common.
The Supergirl Mask
The supergirl mask is conspicuous: she is the girl who does it all. She’s active on sports teams, involved in school and community activities. Not only is she a member of clubs, but she is also a leader—and don’t be surprised if her supergirl awesomeness extends to responsibilities in the home. Likely she is the eldest sibling (or appears to be) and agrees to cook dinner, babysit younger siblings, while still having time to do her homework and complete bonus projects. She’s ambitious and driven, and her achievements are outstanding. Still, I can’t help but wonder if the mask of achievement isn’t covering a deeper drive to prove her worth instead of knowing her worth. The fear of being “nothing” is so great that she pushes beyond her boundaries to achieve, but she is frequently left feeling stressed out, exhausted, and empty. What she often fails to see is that even supergirls need to recharge, and that there is a difference between wanting to “do it all” and feeling she has to “do it all.”
The demands on a supergirl are many—be productive, be ambitious, be competitive, keep up, stand out, and do something to make your life count. In her head she hears, Don’t be mediocre, average, or ordinary. Be everything. These demands can lead girls to enter the cycle of perfection (p. 39). You can support the supergirl who is all things to all people by helping her to slowly remove her mask in two clear ways. First, acknowledge her efforts. See all she is doing and give her credit. Even better, ask her to reflect on her effort and give herself credit. When girls pause and look back, they begin to “get” all they are doing. Second, offer your support. Granted, she may not take it, but offer it anyway. I will ask a supergirl client if she wants to share what is on her mind, to offload her burdens. I write out every item she tells me is on her to-do list. Then we go through each item and come up with action steps to get the job done. In this way, she can see all that is on her plate. She can make the abstract stressors real and tangible while feeling more empowered to act and much less overwhelmed.
Supergirls are often happy being productive, and happy when accomplishing. My client Rose, for example, is gifted and excelling academically. She is also musical, the lead in her high school play, and athletic—she is on two track teams. Yet every so often she tells me, “I just have occasional meltdown moments where it all feels like too much to handle. I have a big cry and usually feel better and back to myself.” My experience has taught me that regular check-ins and talks where Rose can share can provide a release. Sometimes it is that simple; she just needs a moment to find her way back to balance.
The Invisible Mask
If the supergirl believes she needs to be everything, the invisible girl is convinced she is nothing. She fades into the background of life and blends in easily. She will hide in her hoodie, slouch, and offer little eye contact. At the first hint of discomfort—when meeting new people, for example, or being called on in class—she wishes for the superpower of invisibility. She may speak, but she’s apt to do so in a mere whisper and usually in a self-deprecating way: “Why bother going? Nobody will notice me anyway.”
Rarely will these invisible “nobodies” share their voices or make choices. The more you demand of her, the more frustrated you may feel, and the smaller she will want to become. Invisible girls are wearing the mask of “nobody loves me and I don’t love myself,” and they are covering up not only low self-esteem but also fading self-belief. They prefer to hide and be overlooked unknowns than to draw any attention to themselves. Granted, some girls are more shy and sensitive than others, and choose to be under the radar. But their “I don’t matter” mask is often covering up an internal scream: I want to matter and I don’t know how! Since these girls protect themselves well with their masks, they are often dismissed and discounted, which leads them to conclude that they are not important.
The invisible mask is a challenging one to remove; the girl who is wearing it is the hardest to reach, guarded and scared. However, it is possible to reach her slowly and patiently. Girls who feel invisible often want to stay that way. You can gently encourage her out of her shell by helping her to see herself in a more positive light. Seek out moments where she reveals anything—whether via a witty comment, a cheeky smile, or a one-off insight—and bring it to her attention. “Wow, that was astute.” Tell her repeatedly that when she reveals herself you really enjoy who she is, and encourage that girl to show up more often. Reassure her that she is most definitely a “somebody” and help her develop her self-belief by gathering evidence in her favour. Girls often do the opposite, building a case against themselves to prove how they “always screw up.” Comments like “See! You thought you could never order your own food in a restaurant, but now you do it all the time” are the kind of evidence she needs to hear. With practice she will learn to be less uncomfortable showing up as who she really is.
The Cool Girl Mask
Is your daughter always “fine,” indifferent, apathetic, often showing little interest? If so, she is likely masquerading as the cool girl—too cool to try, too cool to take risks, and too cool to take part in new activities. At the same time, she knows it all and has done it all. I often see this mask in place during my workshops. The girl wearing it is the participant who refuses to join in. She may opt for sketching instead of completing a handout. She may challenge a group activity by standing on the sidelines, offering up long sighs of exasperation coupled with dramatic eye rolling. If she eventually agrees to join in, she does so with an oh-so-dismissive “whatever” or the know-it-all phrase “I’ve done this before.” It is difficult to convince her to try anything because she is set on her intentional indifference.
The cool girl mask serves a purpose: to hide the fear of not knowing how, not succeeding, and looking foolish. Taking a chance on something new, and sharing her real feelings, makes her feel too vulnerable, so she becomes the cool girl and a powerful influence on her peers.
To encourage the cool girl to show her true self, you must be on her side, saying things like “I know this may not be your thing.” At the same time, you need to attune to her feelings: “You seem a little scared. Did I get that right?” Girls wearing the cool girl mask benefit from feeling understood and finding compromise. Link something