Then the instructor told us to cross out the word “but” and replace it with “and.”
“I want to spend the summer traveling through Europe, and I have three kids.”
“I want to have more free time, and my job is so demanding.”
“I want to feel confident and sexy, and I’m overweight.”
Switching that one word gives the statement an entirely new feeling. Pretty amazing, right?
When you say “but,” it’s like hitting the delete key on your dream. The word “but” immediately creates a trapped, inflexible feeling. You’re shutting out possibilities and creating barriers instead. The moment you turn “but” into “and,” it changes the conversation. With that one switch, it’s easier for your mind to shift into a curious, exploratory state. Instead of scoffing and saying “No way!” you start asking, “What if?” Sure, it’s possible to travel with kids. People do it all the time. You can too. Yes, it’s possible to change your work schedule and create more free time. And absolutely, it’s possible to weigh more than you’d like and still love yourself and feel totally sexy. It’s possible to do all of those things and more.
When I find myself slipping into a negative mood, or when I’m wrestling with a problem that I can’t figure out how to solve, I try to insert “and” into whatever I’m saying. It’s like flipping a light switch inside my mind. Try it and see for yourself.
Big, Sexy Goals = Thousands of Small, Unsexy Steps
I was once interviewed on a podcast called Real Talk Radio hosted by a woman named Nicole Antoinette. It’s a show dedicated to honest conversations about real life—especially the difficult, messy parts that most people don’t want to discuss publicly.
I immediately liked Nicole. She’s a total badass—an athlete who has completed all kinds of incredible physical feats, including running two marathons back to back and solo hiking through the wilderness with a backpack, a tent, dehydrated beans, and not much else. She recently completed an 800-mile solo hike through Arizona and Utah.
One thing that Nicole always says on her show is, “Every big, sexy goal is the culmination of thousands of small, unsexy steps.”
It’s so true. One of the biggest goals of my life was becoming an entrepreneur and opening my fitness studio, Barre & Soul. But I didn’t achieve that goal overnight. It was a gradual process filled with thousands of small, unsexy steps. And it was a process that required me to take a lot of risks—emotional risks, creative risks, and financial risks, too.
One of the first risks was signing up for a training program to become a certified barre instructor. That might seem like no big deal to some people, but for me at that point in my life, it felt like a major risk.
With my self-esteem at an all-time low, putting myself in a situation that required teaching and public speaking was more challenging than I expected. Throughout the barre training program, there was a voice in my head telling me I should just sit down and shut up. I had so many moments when I thought to myself, “What if I spend all this time getting certified, but then I suck at teaching barre? What if this is all a big waste of time? What am I even doing?!”
It didn’t help that during most of the training sessions, I felt like the class dunce. All of the other teachers-in-training seemed so graceful and athletic—like every single one was a retired ballerina, gymnast, or a reincarnated swan. Meanwhile, I was grunting and sweating like an asthmatic bulldog. It was disheartening to look around the classroom and realize, “I am definitely the worst one here.” How was I supposed to compete with these other instructors once we were all certified and teaching classes? Who’d want to come to my sad, grunty class?
But I knew that barre had already transformed my body—and my life—and I was genuinely obsessed with it. I still am. I wanted to help other women become obsessed with barre, too. So even though it felt like a big emotional and financial risk, I finished the training program, got certified, and started teaching classes. I embraced the risk—and it was one that has paid off.
Take the Next Risk…Then the Next…and the Next
Getting certified to be a barre teacher felt like a big risk for me at the time. But it was just the first stomach-churning risk in a series of risks. That’s how empires get built, and it’s how goals are achieved: one risk at a time.
After teaching barre for a few years, I began to feel more confident in my abilities as a teacher. I started bringing more of my personality into my classes, developing my own signature style. I had started to teach yoga, and I began to bring some of the spiritual aspects of my yoga training to my barre classes. I used each class as a chance to express a message that was close to my heart—an inspiring quote, a mantra; some type of empowering idea that I wanted to share.
This was a great creative outlet for me. But in order to change my style of teaching and use a new format, I would have to break off from my beloved mentors, Elisabeth Halfpapp and Fred DeVito of exhale, and go off on my own. I would be leaving the studio where I had grown so much to start my own business.
Would students like my new teaching style? If I showed people more of the real me, would they respond positively? I wasn’t sure. But it was a risk I was willing to take. In the end, not everyone loved my style of barre, of course—but plenty of people did. I began to build a reputation in my community. One by one, the right clients found me.
At around this point in my career, I had given up my management role at exhale and was teaching my Barre & Soul Method classes at a variety of studios. I had taken a pay cut to make this change, but it felt like something I had to do for my own sense of self-expression. I started to seriously consider the idea of running my own barre and yoga studio. But owning a studio felt like a crazy, unreasonable, stomach-churning, queasy kind of risk. It was too much—too big. The thought of starting a business gave me nightmares. In my nightmares, tumbleweeds blew through an empty studio where I sat weeping at the front desk, writing out rent check after rent check, with nothing to eat but dust and shame as I slipped into financial ruin. I couldn’t imagine taking on that kind of monetary risk.
The part I feared most about opening a barre and yoga studio of my own was signing a lease. It felt like such a big commitment—a legally binding, long-term arrangement for people who don’t mind being tied down and who have enough money in the bank to float a few bad months, or years. At that time, signing a lease felt like signing my life away.
I wasn’t ready to make that kind of leap…not yet. So, I took a different risk—the biggest one that I could stand at the time. I contacted a couple of yoga studio owners in my area, and I asked, “Could I use your studio as a home base for my barre program?”
That way, I could teach my Barre & Soul classes and begin training other teachers in my method, but without all of the financial risk that would have come along with running my own space. It was a baby step toward entrepreneurship—still a big risk, but a risk that felt tolerable.
Sometimes, Life Pushes You into the Next Risk…Faster Than You Expect
The months rolled along. My plan was going pretty well. I was teaching Barre & Soul classes in a few studios around town—doing the classes using my own signature approach and enjoying my self-employed lifestyle, without the stress of actually running my own place.
And then…an unexpected opportunity fell into my lap.
I approached another yoga studio owner to ask about bringing my Barre & Soul program to her space. She invited me out for coffee and asked if I wanted to buy her entire business.
She was moving to another state and wanted to hand things over to a new owner as soon as possible. I’d take over her lease, her client email list, mats, props—everything.
At first, my knee-jerk reaction was, “Good Lord! Seriously? Me? Own a studio? Like, my own studio? Like, now?! Ha! I am not ready for that. No.” (Did I mention I can be pretty