Next comes more work: taking action to achieve your goal even when you’re scared, even when it feels risky, even when conditions aren’t perfect, and even when you really want to put things off until “someday later.”
Can’t Move Forward? Procrastinating like Crazy? It’s Time to Upgrade Your Limiting Beliefs
It’s been reported that only 8 percent of people who set New Year’s resolutions actually keep them. Eight out of one hundred people. That’s a pretty depressing statistic.
Why is it so difficult to keep the promises that we make
to ourselves?
Why is it so hard to achieve our goals—even relatively small goals, like drinking more water, or making it to yoga class two times a week?
Many of us struggle to change our lives, even when we really want to. But why is it such a struggle? So many people have wrestled with this question: yogis; monks; therapists; life coaches; neuroscientists; and…me.
Here’s what I’ve found to be true: if you’re struggling to achieve a goal, it’s probably because your goal conflicts with your underlying beliefs in some way. Maybe you don’t think it’s possible. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that you are “inadequate.”
You’ve decided something like, “I’m not disciplined enough,” “I’m not qualified enough,” “I don’t know how to do that,” (that was my favorite excuse for a long time!) or “I don’t deserve it.” Because of that belief (which is probably completely false), you’re struggling to move forward. You feel stuck, or you want to quit.
Case in point: during her first year at Wellesley College, Hillary Clinton became convinced that she wasn’t smart enough to be there. (I know, right? Can you imagine? Hillary freaking Rodham Clinton?!) After one month of classes, Hillary called her parents and told them she was thinking about leaving college and coming home. She didn’t think she could handle the demanding academic environment. She didn’t think she was cut out for it. Thankfully, Hillary’s mom told her to stick it out—and she did. History was forever changed by Hillary’s decision to stay and continue pursuing her goal of earning a college degree.
It’s difficult to imagine someone like Hillary Clinton—someone so incredibly intelligent, strong, and courageous—feeling “not smart enough.” But at one point in her life, that’s what she believed about herself. This anecdote proves that when a thought pops into your head—a thought like, “I’m stupid,” “I’m weak,” “I’m powerless,” “I don’t deserve to be here”—that doesn’t mean that thought is actually true. It could be completely false. Not every thought that pops into your head is a fact. Many thoughts are pure fiction.
The next time you think to yourself, “I don’t have what it takes,” you will need to challenge that thought. Talk back to it. Argue with it. Remind yourself, “Maybe this thought is a lie!” You don’t have to believe everything you say about yourself.
Your inner monologue might sound like a constant stream of ugly, damaging “fake news.” If so, it’s time to change the conversation.
How to Change the Conversation
Once you’ve identified your self-limiting thoughts and decided which new, upgraded beliefs you’d like to have in your mind instead, you need to start saying these new things out loud for others to hear. Chances are the old script will worm its way back in if you don’t get other supportive people involved. It is critical that you share your new belief, goal, or commitment with at least one other person.
You might confess to a friend the limiting thoughts you’ve been allowing to hold you back, or you may skip that part and just declare the new actions you’re committed to taking. Sharing has two amazing side effects. First, the people in your life will naturally start to echo back to you the new things you want to hear and believe, and when others believe in your goals, it emboldens you and solidifies your belief in yourself. Second, sharing your intentions creates accountability; it lights a fire under you to deliver the things you said you’d do—it would be a bit embarrassing if you did not do them!
It’s easy to stay stuck in the same old patterns (like the 92 percent of people who never follow through on their New Year’s resolutions) if you keep your goals inside, let negative self-talk win, and use your failure as evidence that you can never really have what you want. Sharing your goals with others really can feel like blowing your own cover, though, because you can no longer hide out. You’re exposed. It can feel incredibly risky, but the rewards are huge. Speak your goal out loud. Declare what you want and what you’re going to do about it. Own it.
Write & Discuss:
Challenging Negative Thoughts
Here are several statements that lots of people say out loud—or think privately—all the time. Circle any that feel familiar to you.
If you’re hanging out with a friend, read these statements aloud and see which ones sound familiar.
“I don’t have what it takes.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m not disciplined enough.”
“I’m not creative enough.”
“If I can’t do it perfectly, then what’s the point?”
“It will take way too long.”
“I’m not ready yet.”
“I’m not qualified to voice an opinion on that.”
“Other people are experts on that, but not me.”
“I’m just not the type of person who could ever do that.”
“I don’t have enough time.”
“I have plenty of time. I can do it later.”
Choose one of the statements that you circled. Then, come up with a new statement where you’re challenging the original statement and arguing that the opposite is true. If possible, come up with some evidence to prove your point.
Here’s an example:
“I’m not smart enough.”
New statement:
“Uh, no. Actually, I’m very smart! If there’s something I want to learn, I can figure it out. I’ve done this many times. Here’s some evidence: I taught myself how to use Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I taught myself how to change a flat tire. I got myself through school even though it was tough. I’ve learned all kinds of new things, all throughout my life. I can do it again. And I will.”
Here’s another example:
“If I can’t do it perfectly, then what’s the point?”
New statement:
“There’s no such thing as perfection. If I wait for perfection, then I’ll be waiting forever. I’m not a perfect mom, but I’m a great mom. I’m not a perfect athlete, but at least I’m in the game! I won’t be a perfect business owner / politician / writer / activist either, but I won’t let that hold me back.”
Every time you challenge a negative thought and replace it with an empowering new statement, you start to lay down a foundation of new, positive beliefs about what’s possible. You can change the quality of your thoughts, just like you can change your clothes or your hair color. Every time you notice a negative thought creeping into your mind, stop, challenge that thought, and change the conversation.
Still Struggling to Move Forward with Your Goals? Try This: Turn “But” into “And”
I once attended a course where the instructor encouraged us to think of a statement that includes the word “but.” For instance:
“I want to spend the summer traveling through