The manager looked surprised to see me, but friendly, and thankfully my enthusiasm seemed to pay off, because I got the job! Eventually, I was even promoted to manager, exactly the kind of advancement I had hoped for. Working at exhale was a huge professional victory for me: it opened the doors for so many things and boosted my credibility and confidence tremendously. I even became an “ambassador” for lululemon, which meant free clothes and fancy photo shoots I couldn’t have afforded otherwise that helped me to gain greater exposure. All of this later paved the way for me to launch my own fitness company, Barre & Soul.
You could say it all started in that Starbucks. The turning point was the moment I decided to take a risk—the biggest risk I could possibly muster at the time, which for me, meant standing up, walking into a building, and handing over a piece of paper to a woman I didn’t know. Today, I’d like to think doing that wouldn’t stress me out at all—no big deal! But at that point in my life, it felt terrifying.
That’s the thing about setting goals and taking risks. What feels like “a huge goal” to you might feel like “no big deal” to someone else, and vice versa. And what felt “big and scary” to you ten years ago might feel like “no sweat” today. The key is to keep taking the biggest risk you can stand right now, because that’s the only way to keep your life moving forward from wherever you are toward bigger things. When we risk nothing, then nothing changes.
Throughout this chapter, as we discuss your personal and professional goals, I urge you to keep asking yourself, “What do I really want?” and, “What’s the biggest risk I could handle right now—a risk that would allow me to move a little closer to my goal?” Please, please do not underestimate the power of one small step.
If you feel scared—if you get butterflies in your stomach just thinking about your next step—good. That’s a sign that you’ve chosen a worthy goal. Conquering this goal will upgrade your life, for sure. It’s OK to be nervous the way I was—the way I still am, all the time. Finish your coffee, stand up, and just go for it.
Don’t Have Any Exciting Goals? Ask Yourself What Makes You Feel Envious
Feel like you don’t have any exciting goals right now? There’s nothing on your vision board? Not even a single New Year’s resolution? Nothing that you’re striving for? Nothing at all?
Well, let’s start with this question: What makes you feel envious?
Do you feel envy when you see people on Instagram posting photos of their fun beachside walks, yoga classes, brunches, and adorable Boston Terriers?
Do you feel envy when your friend announces that she’s taking yet another international trip with her partner while her kids are away at summer camp?
Do you feel envy when you bump into a former colleague and she mentions that she recently started her own business, or that she’s written a book, or that she bought a new house, or that she’s delivering a TEDx Talk next week?
Or maybe seeing a woman wearing a seriously cute outfit sends you into spirals of envy. You glance down at your frumpy sweatpants and sneakers that you don’t even like, and you wonder, “Why can’t I ever look like that?”
Envy has a bad reputation. We’re taught that envy is an intensely negative thing—that we should suppress it, brush it aside, be ashamed of it, and certainly not talk about it publicly. But that’s not how I think about envy. I think envy is an extremely valuable emotion. It’s a crystal-clear signal that there’s something you want. It’s like a spotlight, illuminating what your next project or goal could be. Envy isn’t a curse—it’s a gift.
I believe the main reason icky sensations come into play when we’re feeling envious of someone else is because we don’t believe we have—or can have—the thing that we want. But if you can start noticing and sitting with this uncomfortable emotion rather than running away from it, you might realize that maybe you can have what you want after all. There’s room to explore and create something amazing.
Whenever I feel envious, at first, I get a bit grouchy—hey, it’s only natural. Then I pay close attention to whatever has triggered that feeling. Whether it’s when I notice someone with incredible style, a woman who’s running for political office, or a mogul who’s absolutely dominating her industry, if I feel envious, then I tell myself, “Cool. I want whatever she’s got—or something similar. How can I make that happen?”
Instead of suppressing my envy, I’ve learned to own it—and it’s changed my life.
Write & Discuss:
Who’s Got What You Want?
Who are some people who trigger feelings of envy for you? Perhaps they are friends, colleagues, relatives, celebrities, political figures, others? What do they have that you want, too?
Write down anything you can think of on your own. Or get together with a friend and discuss these questions over coffee, kombucha, rosé, or your beverage of choice. If it’s helpful, you could start with a phrase like: “I feel envy when…” or “I feel envious when I meet someone who…” Social media can be a great place to notice your inner green-eyed monster.
Remember: you don’t have to feel guilty about your feelings. Envy isn’t a bad thing. It’s just information. It’s a request from your heart, from your soul, expressing something that you want.
Don’t Keep Your Goals a Secret. Declare What You Want to at Least One Other Person.
A moment ago, you explored a couple things that make you feel envious—things you crave; things you admire; things you’re seeking; people you aspire to be like, or to be more like. Maybe some new dreams and goals are materializing in your mind. Maybe you’ve realized that you want to define your signature style and upgrade your wardrobe. Maybe you want a new workout routine or a new art project; more free time, fun, and adventure; or a meaningful new chapter in your career.
Personally, my goals don’t feel real until I’ve voiced them to at least one other human being. If I tell one of my closest friends, “OK, I’m really doing this,” that’s when the journey officially begins. I need to make things public, because I need accountability and support from my community. I think we all do. When we keep our goals a secret, that’s when they tend to shrivel up and die.
Text Your Goal to a Friend. Make It Real.
Right now, I challenge you to pick up your phone. Scroll through your contacts. Choose a supportive friend—or a couple of friends. Write a text and describe something you want to achieve or experience this year. Describe your new goal in as much detail as you can. Assign a deadline for yourself, too.
Here’s an example:
“Hi! I have an exciting new goal that I want to share. I want to write twenty new poems this year, and I want to perform one poem—live, at an open mic night—before my thirty-fifth birthday. I’m doing this. It’s on. I wanted you to be the first to know.”
Here’s another example:
“Hi! I have an exciting new goal that I want to share. I want to get into the best shape of my life, mentally and physically. This means going to Pilates three times a week, hiking every Sunday, and creating a plan to transition into a job that I really love. I will have an amazing new job by September 1st or sooner. I am determined. It all starts today. Yay! PS. I’m heading out for a hike tomorrow if you’d like to join me!”
And one more:
“Hey! I’ve decided to volunteer for Lifeline, a suicide-prevention hotline. I’ve thought about doing this for years. No more procrastinating and waiting until I’m ‘not so busy.’ I’m starting today. I just