There was a newspaper stand nearby and the woman was interested in knowing the day’s news. Temple stood aside and told the woman to walk up and buy a newspaper. She did it successfully. Temple congratulated her. Then she confronted her distorted thinking by pointing out that her self-limiting thinking was inaccurate, because she had just proved she was in fact able to make a purchase at a new place. If Temple had just listened or gotten into a prolonged conversation about the woman’s fears, the woman probably would just have gotten more anxious. She certainly wouldn’t have initiated a purchase herself. Sometimes we have to “strike while the iron is hot.” It was a teachable moment that Temple grabbed. Parents can do the same.
Another Example: Patrick Learns to Enjoy Eating Out
Patrick’s Aunt Mary gives another good example of taking concrete action and using a person’s desire to overcome their fear.
Patrick used to be afraid to go to restaurants. But he loved to eat. So I would take him out even when he was being resistant. We would go to simple places that often had menus on the wall, but even this was overwhelming. At first he acted helpless and would cry and say, “I’m not going to eat!” He used to freeze and refuse to make a decision. I would tell him that while there is no rush, you can, and must decide.
“Search your brain,” I would say. I would bring him back up to the counter (he’d inevitably have walked away by then), and we would practice breathing and choosing an option. I would also have him see the big picture by paying attention to other people in the restaurant and their conversations so that he broke out of his tunnel vision.
In summary, she says, “Always teach about ways to get past the anxiety and helplessness rather than let it take over the situation.”
These days one of Patrick’s favorite things to do with his aunt is going out to eat. She tells him he has become a “restaurant social butterfly.” She recalls the day she watched him come out of the restroom laughing and joking with a woman in the waiting area. “I was so proud of him!”
From his own perspective, Patrick says, “Mary used to take me out to restaurants and I just didn’t know what to order. If it’s a place you order from a waiter, I still tend to ask for recommendations. That makes it easier. But it’s also helped me branch out and try new foods I would never try as a kid and didn’t even know existed!”
Patrick was asked for some examples of the most “exotic” foods he’s tried and liked. The joy in his voice came through when he described them.
Dim sum and blue cheese and feta cheese. Salmon was my “gateway” food! I thought, oh my God—this is delicious!” I get kind of crazy around salmon! And there are so many types of fish out there!
Patrick’s Aunt Mary instinctively did the two things that Dr. Seligman found works to reverse learned helplessness. With the dogs, he had to put them back in the old situation and then he physically manipulated them over the barrier. He literally lifted them and moved their legs in ways that mimicked how the dog would naturally jump. This is what Mary did when she went and got Patrick and brought him back up to the menu.
But there is a second necessary step. If the dogs were lifted over the barrier just once or even only a few times, it didn’t work. They retreated to helplessness. Dr. Seligman had to repeat the physical action over and over. But the dogs finally got it and the effect lasted! Same with Patrick—it took lots of restaurant trips, but now he looks forward to going out to eat.
Learning Optimism and Resisting Habitual Negative Thinking
Dr. Seligman also coined a second term: “learned optimism.” Based on earlier work of both Albert Ellis’s rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) and Aaron Beck’s cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), Seligman added two more pieces. In both of these therapies, it is assumed that something activates an event (A), then we respond with a rational or irrational belief (B), and then this belief influences the consequence (C). When we get stuck in irrational beliefs, we get stuck in self-defeating consequences.
Seligman realized that more than intellectual insight is needed to maintain changes in our behavior, so he added “disputation” (D) and “energization” (E) to the model. Disputation means we have to expose our kids to counter-evidence of their beliefs—often in the midst of their vigorous resistance. Energization means we actively celebrate the success that follows making positive choices and reclaiming autonomy.
These two steps to change bad habits are particularly important for ASD kids. Autistic kids have brains that are built to be great at focusing like an intense laser. But the downside is their brains don’t naturally try on alternative perspectives or explanations. We have to guide them in this direction, and we have to have them practice it over and over. When autistic kids get stuck on an irrational belief, they’re unlikely to unstick themselves without our active intervention and help. We have to provide them both insight and action.
The insight must be based on clear logic, not an appeal to emotion. And even then, as Ellis famously said, “insight alone will help you very little.” Our kids need specific ways to recognize their thinking distortions and concrete ways to shift that thinking. Below are three ideas that are easy to understand and can help you guide your child.
Know the Three “Ps” on the Road to Success
There are three easy ways to remember how to teach our kids to resist habitual negative thinking and self-blame. Known as the “3 Ps,” they involve concepts of Permanence, Pervasiveness, and Personalization. We’ll describe how each one can be used to help people on the spectrum.
“Permanence”
Our kids often assume that bad events are permanent and good events are temporary. They aren’t necessarily consciously aware of this belief. It needs to be clearly pointed out to them—over and over. And they need specific examples of bad things they’ve experienced that in fact were not permanent.
Debra remembers working with Patrick when he was learning to drive. After a year of practicing in parking lots and side streets, then taking driver’s education classes, he signed up for the on-road examination. He failed it (as he was convinced he would, in spite of evidence to the contrary that he was capable of good, safe driving). His mind was saying he would fail, his anxiety skyrocketed, and he made a mistake he didn’t make in practice.
After this “bad” event, Patrick swore he’d never again try to take the test. He was adamant! He believed that if he failed once he would always fail. He retreated into helplessness. As his Aunt Mary says, “He needs more than average success before he’ll own it, and even then he struggles because his negative voice is still loud.”
It took some time for Patrick’s emotional state to return to baseline, and then we had many talks about the faulty logic in his thinking. It also took him getting back in the driver’s seat as soon as possible. We renewed our emphasis on relaxation and breathing technique and rehearsed self-talk. He retook the exam and passed. He now drives both locally and out of town! Now when other “bad” things happen, this example serves to remind him that while his initial belief may always be “once a bad outcome, always a bad outcome,” this in fact is untrue. He has indisputable proof.
Patrick and his Dad—a successful outcome!
“Pervasiveness”
A second self-defeating attitude—“pervasiveness”—is assuming that difficulty or failure in one area means life as a whole is a failure. Optimistic people compartmentalize problems, but ASD children need extra and specific help with this. When they have difficulty with one task, kids on the spectrum often conclude they are bad at every task. They’ll need your help listing areas they are good