Researchers have shown that families working with schools produce the best outcome for ASD youth. Most schools don’t have formal programs, so you have to create your own. The vast majority of schools will tell you they don’t have these sorts of programs. Keep going up the chain of command to the school district. Go online for help and advice. Many of the autism advocacy groups have information on getting these resources, and another good website is wrightslaw.com, a site devoted to special education law and advocacy.
All ASD youth in high school should be preparing for life after graduation before graduation. Detailed steps should be written into their IEP by their junior year.
One study found many advantages when at least one parent and the student are directly involved with the school’s planning, and those who started one year earlier showed significant benefits. These students and their parents reported significantly higher expectations for the future, and the students had a higher sense of self-determination and a better sense of vocational decision-making ability.
One student cited in the study, Daniel, identified a goal of working in the film industry and attending college to study film or broadcasting. His planning team helped him research occupations and job requirements in the film industry, and people and organizations in his community where he could gain experience. Daniel’s planning facilitator developed an internship opportunity at the public access channel in his community. The student’s school provided an aide to support the internship, and Daniel was able to learn skills related to operating professional video cameras, lighting, and sound. In addition, Daniel was supported to write a movie review column for his school newspaper. Through these experiences, he became more aware of what he did and did not like, what supports he required to be successful, and how to communicate his needs to others. As Daniel’s mother noted, “He is able to dream, and explore opportunities, and nothing is going to hold him back.”
Mentors Can Even be Media Personalities or Superheroes
Several individuals also mentioned role models that served as inspiration and comfort, even though they didn’t know them personally. Some sources of security and identity were celebrities or cartoon characters.
Jaime, who now works for one of the world’s largest technology companies, had examples from both categories.
I was already the outcast by elementary school. I remember liking Gonzo on the Muppet Babies, whose alien race was self-professed “Weirdo.” He ignored what others thought. He was in love with Miss Piggy and was artistic and brainy—just being himself and not trying to be anything else. He was honest and good, but not perfect, and I could relate to that.
In high school, I loved Spider-Man. To me he was the most relatable superhero. He didn’t live in a mansion and he had difficulty maintaining relationships, despite his great power and even greater intellect. He was noble and really smart and very funny.
I also found that one way I handled teasing from others was I modeled myself on aspects of Conan O’Brien (an American television host, comedian, writer, and voice actor). I like those who approach almost all subjects with absurdity. I watched his show and observed that Conan’s sense of humor is to be self-deprecating. It is far more difficult for others to make fun of one if one is already doing so. It is quite disarming to them, yet also appealing. That helped me.
How to Break Your Child’s Bad Habits— A Necessary Step So Your Child Keeps Moving Forward
Limits, like fear, are often an illusion.
—Michael Jordan
Hope is a function of struggle.
—Brené Brown, Ph.D.
It’s excruciating to watch your child experience emotional distress. Your natural instinct is to do whatever it takes to protect them from pain. Doubtless you’ve had plenty of practice doing the “rescue dance.” You grabbed them by the back of the shirt when as toddlers they yet again darted away from you to God knows what stranger or danger. Later you made “apology eyes” at waitresses/clerks/other moms as you rushed them out of the restaurant/store/party when they started to meltdown and scream the way only an autistic child can scream. And now, as they have grown older, you may find yourself turning away and backing off when they slam shut their bedroom door for the zillionth time if you inadvertently interrupt their never-ending video game.
These behaviors became habits. When your child was younger, they really did need you to be their proxy in a dangerous world. They relied on you to spot danger they were oblivious to, to speak up for them when they couldn’t find words, and to retreat instead of moving closer when they reached overload and couldn’t handle what would have been comfort to another child.
Now it’s time to break these habits. They no longer serve you or them. Your child is growing up, and they need to develop as much self-sufficiency as they are capable of. If you take on tasks your child is actually able to handle on their own, you inadvertently elicit feelings of ineptness and impotence. Trying to help when it’s not genuinely needed creates a sense of incompetency. Your child instead desperately needs (even if it comes with kicking and screaming) a sense of self-agency. This comes from handling tough situations as independently as possible.
The Teenage Years are Different for ASD Teens
If you have neurotypical children, you may marvel at how differently they navigated their teenage years compared to your child on the autism spectrum. It often seems like adolescence really never registers as a separate developmental phase for a spectrum child. They may enter into their teens seemingly unchanged. They might continue to pursue the same special interests and are usually content to entertain themselves in isolation. They prefer to stay home rather than joining their NT peers, who are now yearning to get out of the house and explore the world. You probably don’t have to worry about them drinking and driving, but it may seem like you’re going to be stuck chauffeuring them for life, since many have no apparent interest in getting a driver’s license.
This might not exactly describe your child, but you probably related to at least some of these common themes. Adolescence for teens on the spectrum usually has a very different tone and set of struggles than for neurotypical teens. While NTs are chomping at the bit for freedom from their parents, taking increasingly bold (exciting to them, nerve-racking to you) risks, and spending proportionally much more time with peers than with family, this isn’t the case for the typical spectrum child.
Instead, they may be retreating further into themselves. While their peers hunger for driver’s licenses, engage in sexual and drug experimentation, wear the hippest fashions, and attend parties, kids on the spectrum often don’t care about these things. More commonly, they actively disdain these urges. Yet you suspect that under their contempt and antipathy they may actually be lonelier than ever. And you’re probably right.
If your teen has no interest in typical adolescent pursuits, don’t sweat it. Autistic teenagers can sometimes basically skip traditional adolescence. Successful autistic adults often became involved in “adult” pursuits while their peers were busy fine-tuning socializing with each other. Socializing with teenagers is not a necessary life skill! As long as your child is active and engaged with someone (versus being reclusive or apathetic), it’s fine for them to hang out with adults instead of their peers. It won’t make them popular at school, but who cares? A successful life is not about popularity.
Teens Need Straight Talk
If you haven’t talked to your teen openly