Patrick’s path to work as a voice-over artist still has its challenges. What is making it possible is a combination of his unique thinking style and abilities, combined with the persistent “push” of those who love him and are finding clever ways of creating opportunities for him.
Along the way, Patrick has obtained his driver’s license, taken improvisation classes, used his vocal talent as a volunteer to record books for the Society for the Blind, and broadened his horizons in many areas ranging from diet to travel. You’ll learn more about the specific steps and the people who have helped keep him moving in the right direction in the following chapters.
Patrick’s early special interest in sounds first took the form of “voicing” his toys.
The Three Necessary Components of Your Child’s Success
1. Avoiding Learned Helplessness
2. Learning Optimism and Resisting Habitual Negative Thinking
3. The Critical Impact of Mentors
Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re probably right.
—Henry Ford
A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.
—Oprah Winfrey
Each of the people whose stories you just read encountered unique challenges and struggles. Yet they found strategies and support that helped them move on and create meaningful, productive lives. We’re going to give you examples of how they did it.
A recurring theme in each of the stories was that every person kept moving forward even in the face of obstacles. They discovered how to stay positive enough to continue to develop. They didn’t give in to their doubts, and they didn’t quit when they hit obstacles.
Others were often there to help them, making sure they didn’t withdraw into isolation, inactivity, or helplessness. Family members and others supported them in staying hopeful and finding opportunities. Also, every single person profiled mentioned at least one adult who exposed him or her to new ideas, to new ways of thinking about themselves, and to novel experiences. These components helped pave the way to each person’s success.
They weren’t a coddled group of kids. Their parents were all unique—some were absent, some were struggling just to provide, and some were handling large families with their share of crisis points. One common denominator was that each person profiled was encouraged and “stretched” just outside their comfort zone by at least one adult in their life. This helped keep them positive and prevented them from falling into chronic learned helplessness, a condition that is frequently embedded in autistic kids and which we’ll introduce you to in this chapter.
Start by Creating a Positive Mindset
Always praise your child’s tangible actions. Generalities can be confusing or unusable by those on the autism spectrum. So when you say, “You’re such a great kid,” or “You can do anything you set your mind to,” these are well intended, but will not be as effective as a specific reference. Instead say, “You did a great job fixing dinner tonight. I know you were nervous and weren’t sure you could do it. But you followed the recipe carefully and it turned out delicious.” People with autism typically can’t organize a response to a generalized comment or an open-ended question about their goals.
When you praise qualities of their personality, be equally specific. Avoid generalities like “You are a kind person.” Instead, give your child a concrete example of their kindness: “I was happy to see you help your father mow the lawn. You know he’s been working extra hours and has been tired. That was really considerate and kind of you.”
Self-esteem and the courage to try new things come gradually to many of our children, and they are often their own worst critics. They have frequently felt different at best, and been mercilessly bullied at worst. Many have integrated a negative self-image, and we have to actively help them reverse this.
Jaime says he still regrets how he let bullies influence his self-perception.
I should have separated myself from them. But it was confusing because the bullies would sometimes be nice to me in one-on-one situations. But whenever anyone else was around, they’d default to treating me poorly. My mistake was allowing them the opportunity to continue pestering me, and letting them assert authority over me. My mistake was placing even the slightest value on the opinions of those that treated me badly.
Avoiding Learned Helplessness
Many children on the autism spectrum are casualties of what is called “learned helplessness,” and this must be dealt with head-on. This term was coined by psychologist Martin Seligman, best known for his work in the field of “positive psychology.” Knowing the basics of his research will help you help your child. Dr. Seligman discovered that when animals or people are repeatedly subjected to negative environments that they can’t control, they pretty quickly give up. But the really scary thing he observed was that even when circumstances change and become positive, they still act powerless!
In one classic study, he placed three groups of dogs in a room with a floor that emitted a mild shock—not enough to harm the dogs, but unpleasant enough that they would naturally want to escape it. The first dogs (Group #1) experienced the shock, and were then released. Two other sets of dogs (Group #2 and #3) were yoked together in pairs. Each dog in the pair had a lever they could press with their paw. The levers actually worked for Group #2—when the dog pressed it, the shock stopped. But the dogs in Group #3 had sham levers—they didn’t do a thing.
The dogs in the first and second group quickly recovered from the experience, but the dogs with useless levers began to exhibit signs of chronic depression. And most frightening, when they were later put in a similar situation, they generalized their powerlessness and acted completely helpless.
They were put in a room with a low partition. The floor gave them a mild shock. They weren’t in a harness this time—they could have easily jumped over the partition and escaped it. But instead they simply lay down passively and whined. They didn’t even try.
Without our help, our children are like these dogs. They are very vulnerable to giving up. Kids on the autism spectrum are especially susceptible to learned helplessness for several reasons. First, they often have a history of emotional trauma. This may surprise you. But being subject to the sudden onset of sensory overload “storms” and the emotional tornados we call meltdowns is traumatic. And being bullied, which almost all children on the spectrum have endured, is definitely traumatic.
They also give up quickly due to their neurological wiring. It is difficult for them to see the big picture. In fancy terminology this is called lacking “central coherence.” Non-autistic people naturally look for the “big (central, coherent) picture” and process information within that context. Autistic children rarely do. Instead, they hyper-focus on one part of their experience and fail to see alternative choices or options.
Parents and therapists have to intentionally and consistently counteract this. With young kids, you tell them explicitly what alternatives are available. With older kids and teens, you help them come up with their own choices. Once they figure out an alternative and can put it in words, you have to make sure they act on it as soon as possible in order to reinforce