Do You Work Better Alone or with Someone Else?
Most of you will be able to do the exercises in this book by yourself. They can, however, be done with a partner or even in a small group. Once you have developed some level of mastery of the techniques and attitudes, in fact, you might want to share them with your family and friends. The most important thing, though, is to first do the work on yourself and your relationships. As you will see, one of the ideas that runs through my work is that all minds are joined, and when you are healed, you are never healed alone. Once you use the forgiveness solution on yourself, in many cases it will have a positive ripple effect on others, and that will make your forgiveness experience even more powerful. Then you can go on to use it in a group setting.
If you do decide to do it with a group, it will probably take about twelve sessions. Some of the chapters take more time to read than others, and some chapters have more exercises than others.
What Are Some of the Major Benefits of Forgiving?
Researchers and psychologists have been looking at the benefits of forgiveness for some time. We have discovered much about the negative impact of unforgiving on the body, the mind, and the emotions and how important it is to forgive, not just for peace of mind but for our physical and social well-being as well. Excellent research shows us that various forgiveness strategies can have powerful positive effects with people who have experienced the death of another and/or perceive themselves as victims of incest, abuse, affairs, lying, violence, post-traumatic stress disorders, postabortion grief, abandonment, mistreatment, assault, or marital problems.1
Forgiveness and Health
Everett Worthington and his colleagues have summarized much of the literature on forgiveness and health.2 They pointed out that chronic unforgiving responses can contribute to poor health, especially in the areas of cardiovascular reactivity and blood pressure. In general, those people who were unforgiving have higher blood pressure than those who were forgiving. In addition, researchers have found some preliminary evidence that certain areas of the brain tend to be activated when people are making forgiveness judgments, especially certain areas of the frontal lobes, while other areas of the brain, such as the amygdala and limbic system, tend to be activated when fear, anger, and other distressing feelings are the predominant emotions. Research has also shown that forgiving people engage in more healthy behaviors, have a better physical health status, have better social support, are less likely to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes, have less depression, anxiety, and stress, and fewer interpersonal problems.3
Learning to forgive can also be very beneficial to families dealing with health problems. Studies have shown that people who are forgiving decrease their risk of heart attack and experience less anger and physical pain than their unforgiving counterparts. So one of the many benefits of forgiving is that it may improve your health.
Forgiveness in Marriage
According to Frank Fincham, J. Hall, and S.R.H. Beach, forgiveness is essential in understanding marital satisfaction and relationship dynamics.4 In general, couples who are able to forgive experience greater marital satisfaction and longevity, better communication, and enhanced intimacy and empathy. Forgiveness in marriage also decreases hurts, disappointments, anger, revenge, and destructive arguments. Forgiveness is especially important, of course, when dealing with infidelity (more on this in chapter 12). So another benefit of forgiving is that you may discover that not only do you experience greater peace of mind and happiness from forgiving but also a significant improvement in your intimate relationships.
Forgiveness can also be very important after a divorce.5 Just because the other person no longer lives or interacts with you doesn't mean the emotional underpinnings aren't there. Learning to forgive an ex-spouse is not only good for the children, it's good for your own mental, physical, and future relationship health.
Over the Long Term
My own clinical research has shown that within four or five sessions of focusing on forgiveness, people are less distressed, more grateful about life in general, and have much higher levels of overall happiness.6 They also experience a greater openness to life, reporting much higher levels of meaning and purpose and far fewer negative feelings and beliefs, particularly depression, anger, and anxiety. They obsess less about their problems and just generally take things less personally. (See the following graphs.)
Changes in Anger Over Time
Changes in Anxiety Over Time
Changes in Depression Over Time
Changes in Forgiveness Over Time
Changes in Unforgiveness Toward One Person
Changes in Well-Being Over Time
In summary, if you have a “little willingness” and practice the exercises in this book diligently over a period of weeks and months, you will almost certainly feel better and better and develop a more even, positive outlook on life. If for some reason you have difficulty working through this book, then it would be wise to seek help from a therapist, coach, facilitator, or support group experienced in forgiveness-oriented work.
“But What If I Have Blocks or Resistances?”
It is natural to have blocks, barriers, or resistance to forgiving, especially at first. After all, when we hold on to intense negative feelings for a long time, we can come to believe that they protect us, and, however unconstructive it can seem, we can be loath to give them up. In fact, removing these blocks and doubts is part of the process of forgiving. With time and practice, you will find yourself liberated from the burden of these feelings and finally be able to reach your goals for love, joy, peace and happiness.
The fact that you even picked up this book tells me that you are ready to learn how to forgive. Congratulations on starting this process! Make forgiveness a part of your life, and its benefits will be far-reaching for you and the people you care the most about. Now, let's begin.
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