In fact, it is the thesis of this book that underneath all other emotional and psychological problems, there is one core problem—unforgiveness—and one core solution, which is forgiveness. As you read, you will learn about this idea in much more depth. You will also have the opportunity to work with the many tools of forgiveness that I have found most helpful to my clients in my many years of practicing psychotherapy. You will find practical ways to incorporate these tools and techniques into your life as you work to resolve whatever is blocking you from living the fullest possible life. My goal is to make forgiveness practically automatic—not something you have to think about but more a matter of how you function in the world. Because if there is one thing we know, it is that the more forgiving you are, the more at peace, the more joyful, the more satisfied and fulfilled by life you will be.
What Is Forgiveness?
In the research literature, forgiveness is often defined as having benevolent feelings toward someone or some situation that you previously perceived harmed you. It is also defined as giving up anger, resentment, or indignation against another person or circumstance for a perceived offense, difference, or mistake. In other words, it focuses on releasing an unpleasant emotion that is based on a perception. It is also defined as giving up the desire for punishment or restitution. In this case, forgiveness focuses on a desire and an action. I use both a broader and a deeper definition. After forty years of work in the field of personal and spiritual growth and psychotherapy, I see forgiveness as the process of:
1 Releasing the negative emotions of anger, resentment, bitterness, indignation, hurt, irritation, and guilt not only toward others and circumstances but also toward oneself, God, and groups of people.
2 Giving up the beliefs that generate these emotions, such as the grievances and judgments behind them.
3 Shifting your perceptions toward the person or circumstance that triggered the unpleasant or negative feeling so that you learn to see things differently.
4 Choosing and deciding to forgive.
5 Developing positive or benevolent feelings and attitudes toward the person or circumstance that was previously perceived as hurtful, including oneself. These include feelings of compassion, kindness, warmth, and love.
6 Developing an authentic sense of peace and contentment when thinking about the person or situation you previously perceived as hurting or harming you.
7 Giving up the desire for retribution, punishment, or harm to that person or people.
8 Discovering that the events or circumstances that were perceived as harmful or hurtful were learning experiences that existed for the personal and spiritual growth of all the parties.
Don't be daunted by the long list! My point is that the process of forgiveness is a profound one. It isn't something one-dimensional, with a simple beginning and end. It is a thorough examination and repositioning of oneself that leads to lasting feelings of peace, love, and joy and a sense of inner balance and calm.
The chapters in this book will address each of these aspects of forgiveness through a series of powerful exercises and processes that include journaling, affirmations, imagery processes, relaxation/meditation, and some work with energy and spiritual healing. Sometimes these processes and techniques will trigger quantum and sudden positive shifts in you; sometimes the changes will be more gradual. There is no right or wrong way for any of this to happen. However it happens for you is the right way.
Who Will Benefit from This Book?
If you are experiencing depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, stress, and anger or are just generally not at the level of well-being you desire, this book will help. It will also help anyone who wants to shift to a higher level of awareness or consciousness in their life.
Why? Because I have found time and again that underneath an enormous range of psychological problems are issues of unforgiveness, either consciously or unconsciously experienced. For any of a great number of reasons, many of us walk around with grievances, judgments, and shoulds that have the intent to harm, injure, criticize, hurt, or weaken us or someone else in some way. These attacking thoughts, however “justified” they may seem, are separating us from our true or core Self, that place within us that knows deep peace, happiness, joy, love, strength, creativity, resourcefulness, and wisdom.
Doing the practices I prescribe here will help you find your way back to that core Self. As you discover what and who you need to forgive and do the work of forgiving in all its facets, you will find yourself happier, more peaceful, joyful, loving, and fulfilled. Your relationships and feelings about yourself are almost guaranteed to improve as well.
How to Use This Workbook
I strongly recommend that you work the chapters in order. They are sequenced as I teach them to my clients and the exercises build on one another. But if it seems to work better for you, feel free to skip around.
Books like this one don't just work on a mental level. There is a certain energy and vibration at work here, too. The stories are designed to be uplifting and the book overall is designed to have a high positive energy to it. That positive energy alone might be beneficial to you.
I recommend reading one or two chapters a week and doing the exercises they suggest. You'll want to use a journal or notebook, or your computer, to record your responses to the different exercises. If you prefer a faster or slower pace, that's just fine. Please don't get too hung up on whether you're doing it right or wrong. Any way it works for you is the best way.
The most important “tool” of all for doing this work is a good attitude and a “little willingness,” a desire to learn a new perspective and a desire to develop some new skills. Also, I think you will find it helpful to drop your goals for now and simply enter this adventure as if you were conducting an experiment, with the intention of finding out what will happen as you go. If you discover that very strong feelings surface during this forgiveness process and that you feel overwhelmed by them, it would be wise to put the book down for a little while or contact a good therapist, support group, or facilitator to further help you with the forgiveness process. For most people, however, that won't be necessary.
One caution: if you are working on forgiving someone who you feel is hurting you a great deal, it is okay to remove yourself from that person's presence and/or to assert yourself appropriately even while you are learning how to forgive him or her. In other words, please don't feel guilty if you deem it necessary to limit contact with that person while you become stronger using the forgiveness solution process. In fact, it might be necessary for your safety.
Because my own path has been varied and instructive, in The Forgiveness Solution I pull from a wide range of therapy methods and ideas, including Western and Eastern techniques and concepts. I draw from cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), psychospiritual therapy, attitudinal healing, energy therapy, and others. Some ideas will be new to you, and it's perfectly understandable if you are skeptical about them at first. I encourage you to bear with me and try my suggestions. I think you will discover just how powerful these different approaches and perspectives can be.
Reading the book once will give you much to work with. Read it three times, however, and do the practices and exercises regularly, and you will get maximum value from it. Then you will begin to develop a mastery of forgiveness that will greatly benefit you, and others, for the rest of your life.
I know everyone is pressed for time and that sometimes it's hard to stay motivated to do exercises learned from a book. Most of us end up picking and choosing. If you do nothing else, please practice the Psychological Uplifter regularly. It will help you create a positive frame