Dads often insist on more time with the kids when divorce is imminent. Why? Usually because the more time he spends with the kids, the less he will pay in child support. Set your desired time with the kids before you file for divorce, since most judges enforce the status quo.
It’s not necessary to explain to your boss that you are requesting the adjustment to your schedule because you are divorcing; rather, tell your boss that you will be more productive if you work from home on certain days. In today’s workplace, it is common to telecommute, and it is understood that it can increase productivity, particularly for parents of school-age children. Most employers recognize that telecommuting boosts productivity, performance, job satisfaction, and overall life satisfaction. You can use this to your advantage as you set the “status quo” and manage your work/life balance.
If you are considering moving out of your home before filing for divorce, consult with an attorney first, since this can have significant financial implications and affect custody. Moving out constitutes the “date of separation” in many but not all states. The date of separation is typically defined as when spouses have come to a parting of the ways with no intention to continue the marriage. Although states vary as to how they define date of separation, the couple’s conduct must evidence a complete and final break in the marriage.
Up until the date of separation, a spouse may be entitled to the property acquired or share the debt incurred by the other spouse. The following example illustrates the importance of understanding the date of separation and how it can affect your finances. Mary’s husband was about to receive a multimillion-dollar bonus. After thirty-three years of marriage, he tapped her on the shoulder one morning and told her he was moving out. He received the bonus the next day. His lawyer claimed that because he had moved out, the bonus was his separate property. However, because he earned it before he moved out, Mary was entitled to half of it.
INSIDER TIP
If you want to keep the house after the divorce, you may want to consider refinancing to lower the mortgage payment, and if so, consider doing this before the divorce is finalized so that you can use your husband’s credit history, if it is good. He may agree to do this so that you and the children can remain in the family home.
The date of separation can determine when a spouse becomes responsible for child support and spousal support. For example, if a husband who earns all the household income moves out of the marital residence, a court can order him to pay temporary child support and alimony from the date he left. In some states, however, a spouse may only be eligible for child support or alimony after filing for divorce and asking for support.
Moving can also impact your custody rights. If you have young children and move out of the family home, it may be more difficult to get the parenting plan you want. Some judges tend to rule in favor of keeping the children in the family home with the parent who resides there, while the “out” parent gets visitation.
You do not have to decide whether to keep or sell the family home right away. Whew! But your lawyer will ask for information to help you assess whether it makes sense to keep or sell the home. Familiarize yourself with the fair market value of your home, the amount of equity in the home, the monthly mortgage payment, and whether there is a home equity line of credit (HELOC) or a second mortgage on the home. If you do eventually decide to sell your home, you will want to get a formal appraisal (see “Get Appraised,” page 186), but you don’t need one at this point.
GO TO ZILLOW.COM TO QUICKLY ESTIMATE THE FAIR MARKET VALUE OF YOUR HOME
It’s easy to find out approximately what your home is worth on Zillow.com. While not as accurate as a formal appraisal, it is a quick-and-easy way to get an approximation of your home’s value. And it’s free!
CALCULATE THE ESTIMATED EQUITY IN YOUR HOME
Look at the last mortgage statement to see what is owed on the home. Subtract this from the home’s value on Zillow to obtain a rough estimate of equity.
FIGURE THE ESTIMATED MONTHLY PAYMENTS
The mortgage statement will provide the monthly mortgage payment. Add to this the HELOC or second mortgage payment to come up with the total monthly payment for the house. You will need this information to determine whether you can continue to make those payments if you keep the house or whether it makes sense to sell.
Even if your husband is not on the path to enlightenment, you can be conscious as you uncouple. Mindfulness during this time is essential. Whether you have decided to end your marriage or your husband has pulled the trigger, you are undoubtedly experiencing deep feelings of loss, anger, anxiety, and fear about the future. These negative emotions can come and go without warning — causing you to panic or shut down.
A daily mindfulness practice will ground you so that you can deal with what needs to be dealt with and not be overcome or derailed by strong, negative emotions. It will allow you to be present with whatever is happening, no matter what it is.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
“Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”
— Charles R. Swindoll
In my case, my mindfulness practice literally saved my life as I presided over the demise of my marriage. Losing my husband was just the tip of the iceberg. The financial repercussions were devastating. It was the height of the 2008–2009 financial crisis, and both of our legal careers took a hit. We lost everything — our home, our car, our way of life. And shortly after we separated, my father, who was “my rock,” passed away.
My previous coping strategies, like going to the gym to work off stress, were inadequate to deal with the loss of everything I had held dear and the uncertain future we faced. I was literally brought to my knees by the catastrophic end of everything I had known.
Truly humbled by the experience, I acknowledged that this was bigger than me and that I needed a radical new approach. My mental problem-solving strategies weren’t enough. I hit my knees and asked for help — and as I surrendered and acknowledged that I needed help, help arrived. Sometimes not the way I expected, like the time my neighbor’s father asked me to trim the large tree that was overhanging the fence into his daughter’s yard. Since we were moving, I was reluctant to spend money trimming that enormous ficus. But I did, and then he offered to rent one of his houses to me, at precisely the moment I needed to find a new place to live and at a price I could afford.
How exactly did I get the help I needed?
• Meditation and prayer: Each morning before the kids woke up, I would spend at least fifteen minutes sitting cross-legged on the floor, taking deep breaths and quieting my mind. I would then ask for help and guidance from my “Higher Power” so that I could let go of what needed to be let go, allow life