• Cars, boats, trailers: Copies of pink and registration slips, encumbrance (what’s owed), and monthly payments.
• Life insurance: Current policies with statements of any loans against them.
• Promissory notes and/or deeds of trust: Copies of such records that name you and your spouse as beneficiaries.
• Credit cards and loans: Credit cards; creditor’s statements showing names, address, account numbers, and balances presently owed, plus creditor’s statements showing balances owed at separation date; financial statements of net worth prepared by you or your spouse to secure bank loans or for any other purpose; and any other information that will help establish your net worth individually or jointly, for you and your spouse.
• Household furniture and furnishings: Take pictures of significant items with your opinion of the estimated value. You may be asked to list those items that you wish to keep and those that you wish to give to your spouse.
• Bank or credit union accounts: Most recent statements showing balances, particularly at date of separation, held in individual or joint names, savings passbooks, and certificates of deposit.
• Wills or trusts
• Written agreements: Premarital written agreements with spouse.
INSIDER TIP
After filing for divorce, husbands often provide only a fraction of what they legally owe as a tactical maneuver to force their spouse to accept a settlement that is less than what she is legally entitled to. It can take time to retain counsel and get to court to obtain what you need. Take steps now to protect yourself.
IF YOUR SPOUSE OWNS A BUSINESS, COPY FINANCIAL INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS
You must prove your husband’s income to obtain support, and it is more difficult to establish cash flow for a spouse who is self-employed than one who receives a W-2. If your spouse is self-employed, he will probably understate his earnings and overstate his business expenses to decrease what he owes in spousal and child support. Before the divorce is filed, obtain whatever information you can about the business and its finances. Your lawyer will want the following:
• Corporate or partnership federal and state income tax returns for the past three years.
• Copies of recent financial statements prepared to apply for credit or business loans of any kind.
DOCUMENT YOUR MONTHLY BUDGET FOR HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES
Gather information on all household expenses, for you and your children, including mortgage/rent, property taxes, homeowner’s fees, car payment, insurance (home, car, medical, and life), utilities, personal expenditures, travel, education expenses, health care, and so on — everything, in other words, that you spend to maintain your standard of living on a monthly basis. This information will determine the amount of child and spousal support you will receive or pay. I recommend that for expenses that fluctuate (like the water and gas bill), you gather expenditures over the past twelve months and divide each category by twelve. It is important to include everything, since once support is ordered, getting it modified is costly and time-consuming, and can only be accomplished in certain circumstances. For example, if you do not include the expense for the children’s summer camps in your calculation before the divorce is final, you may have difficulty getting your ex-husband to share that expense after the divorce.
In order to get what you want in your divorce, it is imperative that you understand the different ways you can get divorced and select the best path for you. Understanding the pros and cons of each method will enable you to make an informed decision that will alleviate stress and save you time and money. There is a movement toward resolving divorce through mediation and collaboration, rather than litigation, which is generally a very good thing. However, if you take the mediation route, it is extremely important that you understand your rights, so that you get what you need and are legally entitled to. Many women enter mediation assuming their rights will be protected — but that is not the case if you are not represented by an attorney.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
What you agree to in your divorce may be the most important financial decision of your life.
Recently I received a call from a panicked woman with four young children who finalized her divorce through the mediation process. In doing so, she gave away many of her rights just to obtain “peace.” Right after the divorce was finalized, she learned that her husband had had another child with his girlfriend while the mediation was under way! She was furious and wanted to “undo” the divorce. But sadly, it was too late.
Consider the following ways to get divorced and decide which makes the most sense for you.
Mediation
In mediation, you and your spouse meet with a mediator (usually an attorney or a retired judge) who will help you work toward settling the issues in your divorce — property division; division of debts; spousal support; and custody, visitation, and child support if you have children. Mediation is a voluntary process where the parties work with a neutral mediator to try to resolve their disputes without court hearings or a trial. Mediators help the parties work out voluntary agreements that promote individual and common interests through understanding and cooperation. Mediation is generally less contentious, less expensive, and sometimes less time-consuming than obtaining a divorce through the legal system.
However, not every divorce can be mediated. A couple of prerequisites must be met for mediation to work. First, both you and your spouse must be able to set aside your emotions and treat the divorce like the dissolution of a business partnership. And second, you both must be willing to cooperate and compromise. If there is too much acrimony or either of you are unable to work cooperatively toward a reasonable compromise, then mediation will not work. If one person is incapable of being reasonable or is using the process to stall or to vent their emotions, then mediation is a waste of time. Sometimes the parties must blow off some steam before they can mediate; therefore, the timing of when to engage in mediation is very important.
INSIDER TIP
Even if you mediate, you should consider retaining an attorney to advise you along the way.
The mediator’s neutrality means she or he does not represent either you or your spouse. The mediator is looking for ways for both parties to compromise, to meet in the middle, and if either person is unwilling, mediation will probably not work.
Frequently, in divorces where the husband is the primary breadwinner, he is eager to mediate because he knows that if his spouse is not represented, he can wear her down through the negotiations. I am often sought out by husbands to advise them in advance of and during mediation to help them obtain what they want. Do not assume that the mediator is looking out for your best interests and that your husband is unrepresented. This can be a trap for the unwary.
Some mediators will have you and your spouse meet in the same room and work with you toward resolution. This process may be frustrating and nonproductive if you feel you cannot be in the same room as your spouse. As one client told me after dropping out of the mediation process, “If I could sit in a room with my husband and work things out, I wouldn’t be getting divorced.”
Mediation is completely voluntary. If the mediator makes recommendations that you do not agree with, you can stop the mediation and have an attorney represent you. Many couples try mediation because