Once you’ve decided that your marriage is over, do not delay. Make the first move. This is an essential step to taking back your power.
If your husband files for divorce first, do not fear. Inevitably, this will be a surprise, but you can handle the unexpected and take control. Remember my client Mary from chapter 1? The morning when her husband of thirty-three years, Mark, tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I’m leaving,” Mary assumed Mark was going to the gym or maybe to pick up bagels for breakfast. He was dressed in his workout clothes. So Mary turned back to her computer to keep working. Then Mark said, “You need to retain a lawyer.”
When Mary walked through the doors of my office, she was still shocked and surprised. As she described it to me, after their youngest child had headed off to college, she and Mark had grown apart, and they were in marital counseling. Mark had recently been fired from his high-paying job as the CFO of a bank, and he was depressed. Mary felt certain that they would get back on an even keel — and then, that Saturday morning.
After further investigation, the facts turned out to be quite different. Instead, Mark had been carrying on a lengthy affair with a colleague at the bank, and he had retired early from his high-paying job so that he could travel around the world with his girlfriend. When he tapped Mary on the shoulder, it was the day before he was to receive a million-dollar payout on his deferred compensation plan. Mark had filed for divorce without telling Mary in an effort to avoid providing her with her fair share of this deferred compensation.
Although Mary was surprised by Mark’s actions, she did the right thing. Rather than spend months licking her emotional wounds, she immediately retained counsel. Doing so saved her financially. We were able to uncover Mark’s real motives, which were to start a new life with his girlfriend and shirk his obligations to his family. By taking quick and decisive action, Mary secured what she needed financially for herself and her children.
No matter what your circumstances, if your spouse’s desire for divorce takes you by surprise, you will probably feel as if the bottom has dropped out from under you. You will need time to calm your raw emotions, restore your self-esteem, and start to heal. You should not, however, wait to protect your legal rights, financial assets, and access to your children. Even if the pain is so enormous that you can hardly think, hire a lawyer and follow the advice below to shore up your strategic position.
HIRE A LAWYER
The second you’re told you will be involved in divorce, hire a lawyer. For help with this, see below, “Retain Counsel but Arm Yourself with Knowledge,” and in chapter 1, “Find a Good Lawyer” (page 15). Be sure to tell your lawyer about any problems that might require relief from the court: the need for money for yourself or your children; the need to decide, at least on a temporary basis, where the children will live and what the visitation arrangements will be; and in some cases, the need for protection from your spouse.
INSIDER TIP
Heather was so furious at Steve for divorcing her that she hacked into his email, sent threatening messages to his girlfriend, and sent embarrassing emails to his family, friends, and coworkers. Heather felt this was acceptable because “all is fair in love and war.” But at trial, her actions merely enraged the judge, who found that Heather had broken the law with her spying and threats. The judge’s discretionary decisions were made in favor of Steve. Keep your anger in check. Angry or aggressive acts can be used against you once the legal system is involved.
PROTECT YOUR RIGHTS AS A PARENT
If you are a parent, the most important thing to do is to consult your lawyer to make sure that you are doing everything possible to protect your rights with regard to your children.
NEVER ACT OUT IN REVENGE
You must also avoid trampling on the rights of your husband, no matter how you feel about him. You may be furious, but don’t act in ways you might regret later, such as locking your spouse out of the house or abandoning your marital residence with or without the children. If you do so, you stand to damage your position regarding custody and assets. If you leave the house, the judge could order that your husband remain in the residence — with the kids — until things are settled. If you lock your spouse out, the judge could order you to let him back in. Resist any urge to engage in “revenge spending.” It might be used against you later if your case goes to court.
GATHER INFORMATION
You must protect yourself against any preemptive moves your spouse may have taken without your knowledge. Directly ask your spouse for any papers that are suddenly missing. Make sure that the safe deposit box or family safe has not been raided, and if it has, you will need to immediately notify your attorney. With your lawyer’s help, you can get restraining orders against the use of specific bank accounts.
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR FINANCES
If your husband has filed or asked for a divorce, you will need to protect your financial position by learning all you can about your family’s finances. Follow the tips in “Get Money Wise” (page 3) and copy all relevant financial documents. Then make some financial moves of your own. If your spouse hasn’t yet raided the bank accounts, withdraw half of the savings accounts and open a new account. Do not spend that money if at all possible because you may need it until you can obtain relief through the legal system.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT CREDIT CARDS
If you share credit cards that are in your name, or if you pay the credit card bills, cancel them. Tell your husband you’ve canceled the cards. Since he has announced plans to divorce, this should not come as a surprise. On the other hand, if you have not yet established credit in your own name, now is the time to do so; use your spouse’s credit lines to build some credit of your own. Obtain and complete applications immediately. For more, see “Establish and Build Your Credit” below.
WHERE TO SLEEP
If the two of you are going to live together until the divorce is final, decide where you’ll sleep. Note that because your spouse told you that he wants the divorce, you can probably successfully demand use of the bedroom, since he may be feeling some guilt.
TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN
If you and your spouse can still have a civil conversation, decide how and what the two of you will tell the children about the divorce; for more on this, see “How and When to Tell Children You Are Divorcing” (page 54). If things are not civil, don’t deliberately or inadvertently allow children to become involved. Do not put children in a loyalty bind, where they feel they must choose sides or parents.
CONSIDER SEEING A THERAPIST
There are going to be many stresses in the future, emotional as well as financial, and the better you can cope with them, the smoother the divorce process