• Reading the masters: I incorporated spiritual and uplifting reading into my morning routine, which grounded me for the challenges of the day ahead.
• Journaling: I began writing in a journal about my deepest fears, which allowed me to see that as life unfolded, most of my fears were unfounded.
I found that these three things, practiced each day, allowed me to let go of my feelings of anger and fear and instead focus with gratitude on the things that mattered — the love of my children, our health, and how I showed up in the present moment. As I experienced the benefits of this practice, I increased the time spent meditating, asking for guidance, writing in my journal, and pondering what I read. And as I expanded my mindfulness practice into all aspects of my life, the results were profound and impactful. My ability to handle the unexpected increased exponentially. In the following chapters, I outline specific steps you, too, can take to radically transform your life for the better.
Action Steps to Mindfulness
To accomplish what I describe above, practice the following action steps:
• Create a place in your home for meditation. This should be a quiet place, like your bedroom, where you can rest from stress, pray, and write in a journal. You might create an altar and put pictures or tokens on it of the things in life that bring you joy. My altar is a Buddha, and over time, I have added pictures and mementos from my children, parents, and others that have had a positive impact on my life. When I sit before it in silence, it calms and centers me.
• Set aside time each day for meditation. Start each day quietly before your altar, close your eyes, and take long, slow, deep breaths. Each time a thought enters your mind, acknowledge it and return your focus to your breathing. Begin with just a few minutes each day, and gradually increase the time spent in mindful meditation. Don’t worry if you don’t know how to meditate or don’t know what to do. Just sit with yourself and pay attention to your breath. You will become aware of the constant worry and chatter that infiltrates your mind. As you become aware of this, practice being the observer. Simply observe the chatter and redirect your attention to your breath. You will find that if you stick with this practice, you will begin to experience more ease and calm.
• After quieting your mind, ask for help from whatever source you believe in (God, the universe, a Higher Power). Ask for assistance with whatever might arise during the day. Just simply acknowledge that you need help and ask for it.
• Start a journal. After spending time in silent meditation, write whatever comes to mind in your journal. Don’t edit what comes out. Just write it out. This stream-of-consciousness writing will allow you to get any negative, repetitive thoughts out of your head and onto the page. It will free your mind so that you aren’t stuck ruminating on things over which you have no control. This will allow you to see, as time goes on, that many of your worst fears are unfounded.
• Read for at least ten minutes from the books listed below and commit to practicing the truths they reveal. As you engage in this practice, record its impact in your journal. Your life will change and it will be better.
Recommended Reading for Supporting Mindfulness
• Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha (New York: Bantam, 2004): A psychotherapist and Buddhist meditation teacher, Brach interweaves stories from her own life as a hardworking single mother with anecdotes from her therapy practice, and she offers examples of how our pain can become a doorway to love and liberation.
• Marianne Williamson, Illuminata: A Return to Prayer (New York: Riverhead Books, 1995): Prayer is practical, according to Williamson. It can deliver us from deep psychic pain and provide peace and understanding. Illuminata shows you how to bring prayer into your daily life.
• Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams (Novato, CA: New World Library, 1994): Deepak Chopra distills the essence of his teachings into seven simple yet powerful principles that can be applied to all areas of your life. This book will inspire you to understand that all is possible. Uncertainty is our friend. Limitless opportunity awaits.
“Action is the antidote to despair.”
— Joan Baez
There are two big challenges to leaving a soul-deadening relationship: the difficulty of stepping out of your comfort zone and the fear of the unknown. Even if miserable, many women stay in a loveless marriage because they prefer what they know over the uncertainty of what they don’t know. This is human nature, but you do not have to be stuck and wait for a crisis to create positive change.
First, simply acknowledge that change can feel threatening. Neuroscientists call this fundamental principle the “walk toward, run away” theory. We are biologically wired to avoid what seems threatening, rather than embrace it. If we feel uncertain, we focus on the negative and disengage. As a result, our prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain engaged for changing behavior and habits, has less reserves of energy (oxygen and glucose) so we are less likely to make good decisions, take on new ideas, and appreciate the big picture. In other words, because of the way our brains are wired, it is harder for us to break out of familiar bad patterns than it is to try something new. This is why most women avoid filing for divorce until calamity strikes.
Next, understand that the way through the fear of change brought on by divorce is to have a strong mindfulness practice and a strategic, step-by-step plan. The mindfulness practice prepares you for the changes you will face. The practical plan provides the steps to get you through it. Dissolving a marriage sounds messy, complicated, and frightening, but it doesn’t have to be. I know you can do what you need to do to establish a new life because I see women accomplish this every day, and they are no different than you. Have courage and move forward to a new and better life.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
— Alexander Graham Bell
DIVORCE HACKS
Facing the Truth of Infidelity
In virtually every divorce case I handle, one of the spouses is cheating on the other. Sometimes the woman is doing the cheating, but more often than not, it’s the man. And when there is cheating, there is often “financial infidelity” — marital funds spent on unauthorized activity. It is an inconvenient truth, and we tend to think that we are immune — until it happens to us.
A male client, a well-respected “family man,” told me something that every woman considering divorce should know. He had been carrying on an affair for quite some time without his wife’s knowledge. He said, in the most matter-of-fact way, “This is what we do.” What he meant was that, when the going gets tough, men will use sex like they would use a shot of tequila — to distract themselves from the stresses of modern life. Whether it’s internet porn, strip clubs, or actual hookups, the truth is, many men routinely engage in sex outside of marriage, particularly when they are experiencing stress.
In today’s world, modern technology makes access to willing partners more available and lowers inhibitions, creating a perfect storm for men looking for sexual relief. Recent studies reveal that, not surprisingly, Facebook and Twitter users have a higher rate of infidelity and divorce. There are 40 million sexually explicit websites,