Madonna
“I date a lot of younger men, and I recently discovered I can call it feminism.”
Oprah
“I am definitely a feminist, yes. But first and foremost, I am Oprah.”
Whoopi Goldberg
“Who is this? How did you get this number?”
Taylor Swift
“At first I thought being feminist was gross, ’cause who wants to burn cute bras and wipe period blood on their face like war paint? Then I realized both those things would look super cool in a music video, so I’m all over this feminist craze.”
Katy Perry
“I wasn’t a feminist until people started saying feminists could be sexy, and then it hit me like, yeah, I am a feminist. I mean, look at my boobs. I’m really into feminism now and also these cupcake barrettes made by adorable Japanese kids.”
Shailene Woodley
“I used to not consider myself a feminist, but now I do. Here, have some of these foraged cricket heads.”
Lassie
“I’m actually a boy!”
BOO! THE PATRIARCHY IS A SPOOKY GHOST
You know when you’re sitting alone in a room and you feel a cold breeze on your neck that makes you shudder for just a second, and you ask if anybody else felt it, but nobody did? That’s the patriarchy. The patriarchy is like a spooky ghost. You may not be able to see him, but you can hear him, and he just called you fat.*
This ghostly specter whispers in women’s ears that condoms feeeel weeirdd, and if you have to get an abortion, that’s on youuu. Every time we look over our shoulders, we feel the chill of the patriarchy telling us you’d loook better withoouut maakeuup, but then saying youuu loook siiick when we aren’t wearing makeup, which is ironic because the patriarchy looks like a fucking ghost.
Since the patriarchy is sneaky and invisible, it also has a way of getting away with stuff that nonghosts usually can’t get away with. While actual living men used to be the ones keeping us holed up in the house all day watching soaps and breast-feeding our boring lives away, now the patriarchy does that all without ever being a tangible entity! Think about it: Why does that inner voice saying you’re not good enough sound so spooky?
Unfortunately, men aren’t able to feel the presence of the patriarchy themselves. But as with our periods, some are able to just trust us and believe that it’s really happening. This is why we have to trust our feminine sixth sense when we feel that icy dick brush across the back of our neck as we try to ask for a raise and say, “I see patriarchy.”
You may have heard people talking about “dismantling the patriarchy,” and the reason why it has been so hard is because, like most ghosts, it can slip through your fingers and walk through walls. The only way to end the patriarchy is to acknowledge its presence in the room and to say aloud, “I ain’t afraid of no ghost!”
HAZARD: THE PATRIARCH-D
One sneaky tool the patriarchy uses to distract us is the patriarch-D (dick). The patriarchy knows if we get caught up in trying to get that dick, we’ll stop paying attention to what the hand in that puppet dick is attached to.
You’ve probably fallen victim to the patriarch-D and the patriarchy prop-up artists who keep it going at some point in your life. Maybe you’re patting yourself on the back for getting so close to that former major league baseball player you matched with on Tinder, when suddenly you realize that you’re just one of 107 models he invited to his pool party, and you’re about to drink too much champagne before you stumble home dickless.
This happens to all of us, because the patriarch-D wants to make you feel desperate and think that you need this, that it is an honor just to be included in this boob medley that will disappear from that shortstop’s mind before your Uber even gets you home. Meanwhile you could be having fun in an empowering way, like hanging out in Oprah’s castle eating ice cream and rewatching her favorite death moments in The Hunger Games. You don’t need men to have a good time. In fact, sometimes life is better without the D.
Another example of taking the patriarch-D is when a guy convinces you to go see the latest movie in which adorable sex kittens cling to a nervous and weak baby-man who hangs out with space robots, or a talking stuffed animal, or Jonah Hill. You’ll rack your brain trying to discover the character’s sex appeal, while your guy assures you he’s “the funniest dude alive.” The patriarch-D is trying to neg you into thinking you’re the one who doesn’t “get it” if you don’t subscribe to the D in all its forms. But your movie dollars don’t need to go toward supporting the patriarch-D.
Contrary to what the patriarch-D tells you, you don’t have to like movies with titles like Angry American Shooter Team: Dick’s Dawning. In fact, when you see the trailer and think to yourself, “I will not like this movie,” trust your gut and don’t see it. Instead, take yourself to a movie of Channing Tatum grinding on some tasteful furniture he just made so you can slurp up that feminist D! Seriously, who needs a hot lady on a car or a hot lady alien on a spacecraft or a hot rabbit in a dress when you can get some Tatum on a mid-century chaise lounge? Feminist D is plentiful; you just have to know where to find it.*
Other places to avoid if you don’t want to be assaulted by the patriarch-D and the legion of prop-up artists who wield it include: car washes, social media, higher education, business, inside a baseball hat, and being within earshot of Adam Levine.
Here is the World Watch List of the top-five worst offenders of patriarch-D and how to control yourself in each situation.
5. Your Friend’s Cousin
He made out with you in the hot tub that one time and then never answered your instant messages, sending you into an emotional tailspin that lasted until the end of your back-to-school shopping. Make no mistake: that was not the first time he ruined someone’s summer. Often going under the aliases of Ryan, Brad, Jackson, or Connor, your friend’s cousin is known for totally kissing girls with tongue and then going off the grid. He must be stopped. Next time you find yourself in a Jacuzzi as he tries to sneak a peek-a-boob under the water, tell him, “I deserve a man who will respect me inside and outside of this hot tub. Also, I blocked you on AIM.”
4. The Supermarket Deli Guy with Frosted Tips and a Barbed-Wire Tattoo
You know the one: he’s the hottie all the moms jockey to have slice their turkey—thick. Not much is known of his origins, though he was probably a surfer or model at one point. Maybe