OPINIONY: Yelling
CHILL: Drinking tea!
Nothing supports and soothes a woman’s soul like a good cup of tea. So slide that bra out yo’ sleeve (in the privacy of your own home), sit back on the ol’ fut’, and sip on that good strong-but-sweet feminist chai. And when he just doesn’t get why you “can’t just take a joke,” a relaxing organic rooibos tea can help you meditate on why you’ve stayed in this relationship for so long without starting to hate yourself and doubt your feminine power. Getting in touch with the simple, soulful pleasures of being a woman reminds you that being a woman is not a bad thing, while also leaving him alone for once!
OPINIONY: Banging your head against the wall in a desperate cry for help
CHILL: Joining a roller derby team!
Do you like feminist exercise, but are more violent than graceful? You might be a derby girl! Roller derby is a great way to get together with your strong but still heavily lipsticked gal pals for a little competitive fun. What’s more feminist than knocking other girls out of the way, possibly causing serious injury, so your besties can get slingshotted ahead for points? Bonus: men will love it because they can watch it like a real sport, but there are girls with booty shorts on. You’re tricking men into being feminists! Double win! Points! Go team! So much blood!
Feminism is so, so, so fun. But nothing puts the brakes on that fun like a man walking in the room and being all, “What is going on in here?” In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room, and fainting.
BAD FEMINISTS (A LIST)
Not all feminists are created equal. Unfortunately, some feminists distract from the real causes (women being strong and beautiful) with lesser, more boring causes (women in STEM).* As important as it is to model ourselves after the good feminists out there,** it’s equally vital to separate ourselves from the bad feminists—the ones who give feminism a bad look.
Bad feminists make feminism look like something to fall asleep to, like your mom droning on about how she does all the cleaning around here. Good feminists make feminism look hot, exciting, and fun, like an HBO series starring a cast of four different (but not too different) female friends who all get laid from time to time or a music video in which pretty girls act tough or pretend to be ugly. Bad feminists make all feminists look bad, which is why we have to call them out on our Tumblr, like, every other day.
Now that we’ve won the right to vote, we feminists need to focus on the more relevant issues at hand, like being sex positive, feeling fierce during sex, and showing that we women can also have positive feelings about sex. Let’s ditch yesterday’s issues, like birth control, equal pay, and “women in leadership” (whatever that means!), and move our cause forward. And while we’re at it, let’s ditch these bad feminists who are holding us back.
Hillary Clinton
Sure, she puts women’s rights at the center of her agenda and champions the causes of women all over the world, but unfortunately she is just too darn unlikable and gives feminism a bad look. Her Twitter is whack!*** Maybe instead of cosponsoring a fair-pay act, she could try a bolder shade of lipstick that would make people want to see more women in leadership positions? Sorry, Hill, until you turn your vibes around, you’re just a bad feminist!
Roxane Gay
She wrote a book called Bad Feminist. A bit on the nose, don’t you think? Methinks the lady doth protest too little. Case closed!
Angelina Jolie
Jolie works hard as a UN diplomat and philanthropist and bravely shared the story of her double mastectomy, which technically could be seen as empowering to other women. But shouldn’t she be spending more time on her sorely neglected acting career? Why let that pretty face go to waste when she could be depicting more strong female psychos on-screen? All that humanitarian work takes her away from doing films like Girl, Interrupted 2: Stop Interrupting Me in This Workplace, a script we wrote! Angelina, please call us!!
Malala Yousafzai
On the surface, this teen Pakistani activist and Nobel Prize winner seems like a good feminist, fighting for her right to an education and rocking a headscarf like no one else. But is she feminist? No, she isn’t. You have to be twenty-one in order to be a feminist. That’s just the rules. I mean, sure, she continued her campaign for expanding educational opportunities for young girls despite surviving an assassination attempt by the Taliban, but does she know what it’s like to be a woman in the workplace who needs happy hour? Like, needs it?? We think not.
bell hooks
Although hooks has written a lot of great books about feminism and provided some interesting feminist theory, it’s just hard for us to imagine that a real feminist wouldn’t capitalize her own name. C’mon, girl—believe in yourself! You’re a great lady writer!! For your convenience, here is what your name would look like capitalized: Bell Hooks. Wow! Nice, right?
The next time you’re perusing the fare at your local bookstore* and you come across the works of any of these “feminists,” think twice before using that gift card. Is this the feminism you want? Is it the feminism you need? Or is it, like, stressing you out? Frankly, our version of feminism involves a little less squinting at the page while wrapped in a pile of raggedy throws like a shut-in and a little more dancing on top of a bar while men and women cheer. This is what a real feminist looks like!
INTERSECTIONALITY IN FEMINISM: FOR WHITE WOMEN!
Are you a straight white female? Okay: Did you know lesbians can also be feminist? And people of color, too? It may seem revolutionary, but all of those groups do contain women. And these days, feminism is for everybody! Even men, occasionally.*
This is what we call intersectional feminism. Wait—don’t run away! We know it’s a big word, but we promise that knowing it is essential (also a big word!).
Contrary to popular belief, women who aren’t heterosexual, able-bodied, cisgender,** or white might face even more struggles when it comes to gaining equality. A lot to process, we know. But bear with us: intersectional feminism can be just as much fun as regular old feminism! For example, while we’re fighting for our right to equal pay in the film industry, we can take a sec to fight to see that minorities get any representation in the film industry whatsoever. That is our solemn duty as feminist allies to our less privileged sisters. Think of being an ally as being a friend who helps her girlfriends bring themselves up to her level, leading by unearned example.
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