If you’re a white woman, you have a lot to fight for, but you also share a lot of the advantages white men have. This is called privilege (huh?). Because you have more privilege than a lot of other women, you must use it for good and not evil, while also pulling off a killer outfit to show that helping others is cool. We know it’s a lot! But we know that you, as a white woman, have the privilege to handle it.
How to Use Your Privilege for Good
Here are some ways you can #checkyourprivilege and help others, while also being an ameeezing ally.
Tell a lesbian that you find another woman attractive.
Nothing assures a lesbian you’re on her side like letting her know that you also, theoretically, could be into another woman. Whenever an attractive woman walks by and you’re within earshot of your gay acquaintances, turn to them and say, “Hot, right?!” Feminism is about equal rights for everyone.
Say, “I’m not racist!”
Maybe something you said or did was offensive to a person of color. If their feelings were hurt, the best way of comforting them is by letting them know that it was not your intention to offend and that they maybe imagined the whole thing, because you are not racist. You don’t see color and aren’t even that good at figuring out which shade of blue looks best on you. They’ll be so relieved to know you’re not a racist!
Attack white men.
Nothing puts you squarely on the side of inclusivity like taking jabs at white men at every opportunity. When your coworker Mike leaves the room and you’re left with your Pacific Islander coworker Ann, turn to her and say, “Ugh, white guys, amiright?” She’ll know you stand in solidarity with her goals, even if she is married to Mike.
Really emphasize your proper pronoun use when talking about a trans person.
Example: “I’m such a big CAITLYN Jenner fan. SHE is so beautiful.” No one will doubt your commitment to trans rights now!
Pick their brains.
Inclusivity is all about dialogue. Don’t be afraid to pull someone aside and ask, “So what’s it like being gay/black/trans/Mexican/different?” They’ll appreciate your taking the time to single them out. Also, make sure to use the phrase “pick your brain.” People love that!
Tell them you can relate.
If someone from an underrepresented group does start sharing their experiences with you, let them know you sympathize. Say things like, “As a woman, I totally get what it’s like.” Equating all of our struggles gives us all more power!
Intersectionality for Everyone Else
If you’re not a cisgendered white woman, you know that they don’t get this ally thing right 100 percent of the time (or even like 60 percent). So we partnered with Noway aspirin to offer this exclusive coupon for ten free aspirin, just for you!* Noway can help you deal with the headache of listening to your monumentally privileged acquaintances say stupid things, like saying that Malcolm X was “way meaner” than Martin Luther King, Jr., or asking what it was like to grow up in a foreign country you have never even been to, or trying to explain why their Halloween costume is okay.
THE NINE CIRCLES OF HELL FOR WOMEN WHO DON’T HELP OTHER WOMEN
Taylor Swift once said, “Katie Couric once said, ‘Madeleine Albright once said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”’” According to many theologians, she’s correct—at least partially. There are said to be nine circles of hell specifically designed for women who make social or professional faux pas. Save yourself from eternal punishment by reading this list. You’re not on here, are you?
FIRST CIRCLE:
Women who don’t participate in group texts
This is Limbo, for women like you who leave everyone hanging. You were specially selected for a hilarious thread about something that pertains to all of you (usually something cray-cray an ex-friend posted on Facebook). You were called upon, and you failed to answer that call. You’ll spend forevermore asking strangers if you can borrow their charger.
Notable residents: Estelle Getty, most succubae
SECOND CIRCLE:
Women who post hideous pictures of other women on social media
You’re a hot girl with a brand new iPhone, an itchy trigger finger, and no sense of other people’s vanity whatsoever. Even if your friend just went through a breakup and needs all the rebound-attracting pics she can get, you’d still post a shot of her mid-yawn, with the caption, “I love my beautiful friend!!!” Your punishment is having large-scale portraits of your weird elbow skin posted online every hour on the hour. Repent!!!!
Notable residents: Cleopatra, your Aunt Jill
THIRD CIRCLE:
Women who bring chips to a potluck
First of all, potluck means cooking. If they wanted to throw a party where everyone bought 7-Eleven chips at the last minute, they’d have called it a “Let’s All Give Up” party. Plus, all those who made salsa, hummus, or artichoke dip are already bringing chips, so there’ll be lots of crunchy waist-killers left over to tempt your host. This is a crime punishable by an eternity of trying to quietly chew something crunchy in a crowded lecture hall.
Notable residents: Mary Todd Lincoln, that girl Jess from work
FOURTH CIRCLE:
Women who never have cash
Unless you have an ATM phobia, there’s no excuse for not having at least 20 bucks on you, especially when your ass knows it’s brunch o’clock. Your sniveling pleas of “Can I just Venmo you?” and “They take cards, right?” have echoed in businesses everywhere, from scoop shops to Moroccan rug markets. Until the end of time, you’ll be forced to split $25 restaurant checks between eight different credit cards. And yes, they’re all Chase Sapphire. Burn, wench!
Notable residents: Joan of Arc
FIFTH CIRCLE:
Women who play-slap your shoulder way too hard
Ugh, we get it, you’re a brassy gal who loves a good laugh. That doesn’t give you license to ruin trivia night by dislocating the shit out of someone’s shoulder. This circle of hell is full of broads like you, who can’t accurately express their laughter without assaulting someone. You’ll spend eternity trying to push a boulder up a mountain while TVs everywhere play your least-favorite episode of Roseanne.
Notable residents: “Unsinkable” Molly Brown, Gertrude Stein
SIXTH CIRCLE:
Women who cancel at the last minute
There is no girls’ night you won’t skip, no baby shower you won’t “forget” about, and no wingman duty you won’t weasel your way out of. Everything you type into your phone autocorrects to “OMG totally forgot, so sorry to back out!!!” Prisoners of this sorry place are doomed to wait at a wine bar alone until the universe folds in upon itself.
Notable residents: Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, Mary Queen of Scots, pretty much all queens
SEVENTH CIRCLE: