FEMIGLOSSARY
ADVISE-HER: Your role as a feminist, should you choose to take it. From now on, you’ll be advising your female friends at every turn. Think of yourself as a life coach and image consultant combined!
ALC-HER-HOL: The most important ingredient for any feminist gal-thering. Example: “Did you bring the alc-her-hol?” “What?”
BEYONCÉ: The first feminist.
BEYSCIPLE: A young feminist in training. She can only wake up like this from a nap.
People will listen to almost anything if you can do a solid braid!
CONSCIOUSNESS BRAIDING: Braiding a fellow feminist’s hair and raising her up through a sleek and fashionable coif. Such a hairstyle should make her feel sexy, but also allow her to operate machinery or perform surgery, just like a man would.
FEMHIVE: The army of feminists on the Internet, with an arsenal of hashtags at their disposal. Example: “Some troll is body-shaming Dana’s DIY anal bleaching vlog! #Release the #femhive! #Yesallfemhives.”
FEMINISMGASM: A feminist orgasm; can be physical or political. Example: “Paul went down on me while we watched a YouTube video of a Michelle Obama commencement speech, which gave me my strongest feminismgasm ever!”
FEMINISTIFY: To be a feminist while also being sexy and beguiling.
GAL-FIRMATION: An affirmation you give yourself when you look in the mirror in the morning that helps you tackle your day as a woman. Examples: “At the end of this day is a bottle of wine.” “We can do this, uterus.” “The longest journey begins with a single step—in heels.”
GENDER STUPIDITY: The completely boneheaded ideas some people have about gender. Examples: “Men are better than women.” “Quilting your feelings is women’s work.”
HERFBORT: Your vibrator and number-one D alternative when your man’s not supporting your feminist goals. Example: “I’m so effing horny, but David’s seeing that Skrillex cover band with his friends tonight, so I’m gonna have to hop on my herfbort.”
HERSHTAG: A hashtag strong enough for a man, but made for women. Example: “I’m live-tweeting my natural water birth at 3 P.M. EST! Follow the hershtag #sarahsnaturalwaterbirth for updates. Fingers crossed!!”
INTHERNALIZED SEXISM: Internalizing the myths and stereotypes of femininity, processing them, and reclaiming them as our own. Example: “Yes, I’m a housewife, but I prefer the term ‘stay-at-home bitch,’ thank you very much.”
MAID-DEN: Like a man cave, but for women. Instead of video games, you can knit, do crosswords, or just gab here. Feel free to decorate it the same way you decorate the rest of your house because that’s your job! Fun!
MALE GAYZE: That judgy yet supportive look you get from your gay best friend, who would never objectify you, but will definitely tell you how your boobs look in that V-neck romper.
MASSAGE-ONY: The completely inadequate massages some men offer in return for our ameeezing massages. Equal pay for equal play!
NOT-GUILTY PLEASHERS: Pleasures that only women like (chocolate!), which the patriarchy has made us feel guilty about for that reason. But no longer will we tolerate this guilt inducement! Sorry not sorry! <— Also a good hershtag; see above.
PATRIARCH-D: That big ol’ sweet, sweet D that keeps you enslaved to the patriarchy.
PRIVILEGE: Not super sure, but your friend Jen keeps asking you to “check” it. Sorry, Jen, we mostly use Venmo!
SHOPAHOL-ETTE: Not an addict (see also: not-guilty pleashers). Example: “I’m a shopahol-ette. I just bought eleven copies of the Reductress book for my friends, and I do not feel guilty about that.”
SQUAD GOALS: Achievements that you and your girls must accomplish together or you will all have failed. Example: Attaining the exact same body type so you can all share outfits!!!
#WCIWCW (WOMEN CRUSHING IT ON WOMAN-CRUSH WEDNESDAY): Like a normal woman-crush Wednesday, but when your woman crush is really crushing it in her chosen field and/or brow game. Don’t worry, this woman crush is totally platonic, and you don’t have to be a lesbian to do it or to crush it. But as a feminist you totally can be a lesbian if you’re into that! Swoon! Example: “I’m really proud of all the #WCIWCW who bought the Reductress book.”
WOMBVERSATION: Talking with another woman in hushed tones while placing your hands on each other’s bellies and speaking your truth.
Gal-therings are a great time to drink alc-her-hol, light wo-tive candles, and have deep wombversations.
WO-TIVE CANDLE: A candle that helps you get in touch with your inner goddess, ideally lit during a full moon or at the time of ovulation.
“YAAAS MEANS YAAAS, QUEEN!”: Something to shout at another woman when she is giving enthusiastic consent to a man.
YOU-T-HER-US: Your body, your decision, your uterus! Hands off, men—unless we ask for a nice premenstrual you-t-her-us massage!
IS IT FEMINIST? (A CHART)
Some say feminism is more a theory, but we like to think of it as a label that can be slapped onto or removed from anything we choose. So the next time you’re about to see a movie, read a book, or buy a bag of fat-free popcorn, ask yourself: Is it feminist? For your reference, here’s a sample guide to what is and isn’t feminist.
| FEMINIST | NOT FEMINIST |
| Painting your nails for you | Painting your nails for him |
| Erotica | Porn |
| Your vibrator | His dick |
| Dark chocolate | Milk chocolate |
| C-sections | Vaginal births |
| Sexting | Texting |
| Whoopi Goldberg | Whoopee cushions |
| Bubble baths | Oatmeal baths |
| Life Savers | Candy canes |
| Moesha | Brandy |
| Oysters | Pearls |
| Body wash | Soap on a rope |
| Books | Spicy trail mix |
| Dance | Magicians |
| Plastic applicators | Lice |
| “Whoopee!” (exclamation) | “Makin’ whoopee” (sex) |
| The moon | The sun |
| Magic Mike | Magic Mike XXL |
| The pill | Condoms |
| Death by chocolate | The death penalty |
| Yogurt | Go-Gurt |
| Having it all | Having a ball |
| Fifty Shades | Of Grey |
| Tacos | Burritos |
| Feelings | Facts |
| Tigers | Lions |
| Oakland A’s | San Francisco Giants |
| Spinning | Cycling |
| Coughing | Sneezing |
| Having a stroke | Burning toast |
| Bell’s palsy | Lyme disease |
| “Hi.” | “Hello.” |
| Pissing | Peeing |
| Tote bags | Other kinds of bags |
| Riding a horse | Eating meat |
| Herb gardens | Electrical fires |
| Knowing CPR | Being an EMT |
| Punching | Kicking |
| “Mmm!”
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