How to Win at Feminism: The Definitive Guide to Having It All... And Then Some!. Reductress

of overripe banana. Mash together with your fingers, which look just like Grandma Lidia’s fingers in that photograph of her wedding day. She was so young then. So beautiful.

      Apply the mask to your face for ten minutes, or as long as it takes for the mask to bring back a memory from when you were in utero.

      Once the memory plays out, slap the mask off your face with cold, wet hands, just like Grandma Lidia did to herself every morning. She told everyone she was twenty-eight well into her seventies, and they believed her!

      Roll on a thin layer of olive oil. We know what you’re thinking: “Oil on my face?! But won’t I break out?!?” Well, you will with that attitude! Your pores will self-regulate throughout the day if you keep a bounce in your step and a song in your heart.

      Apply a light facial sunscreen with SPF 30 or above. We love Happy Baby’s Sun Baby Moisture for Babies (Target, $49.99).

      And of course no morning routine is complete without a smile! Don’t worry about the lines—joy is a natural anti-ager! You’re finally ready to face the day.

       IN THE PM:

       Darkness has fallen across the land, and you’re back in your home, exhausted, bloated, and covered in pollutants. Close the blinds. Lock the doors. Put all your Wi-Fi devices on airplane mode. It’s go time. You can finally summon dark forces to effectively freeze your face in time, all under the cover of night. Here’s how:

      Fill a rectangular aluminum container with research-grade liquid nitrogen. Dip your face into it repeatedly until you can’t remember who you are anymore. That’s good.

      Using steel grit you bought from an industrial supplier with a fake name, blast your cheeks, chin, and forehead. You’ll know you’re done with this step when you start leaking lymph.

      Reach under your kitchen sink, grab whatever cleaning agents are there, and spray them all over your face. Bonus points if you accidently create chlorine gas—it’s a real bloat-buster!

      Let the chemicals sit until your bones start to show or until the screaming stops. Whose screams are those? Are they your screams?

      Punch yourself in the face. Your cheekbones betrayed you.

      Stumble downtown to the dumpster behind Sephora. Dive in. Swim around until the creams and serums penetrate your skull.

      Back at home, take the syringes of “Botox” that you bought on the Darknet out of the freezer.

      Follow the misspelled instructions as best you can, considering your eyelids are rigidly trying to snap shut behind your eyeballs. That means it’s working!

      Light your whole goddamned head on fire. Fuck you. Fuck. You.

      Grandma Lidia’s in hell now.

      Unspool one of the ancient scrolls you found in that box by the lake. Read the words. How can you read these words?

      Once the demons are gone, pack your face in gauze. Wait four clicks of a scorpion’s pincer. Remove the gauze.

      Stare at the unholy goddess before you. No one can ever know what happened here.

      Splash your face with cold water!

THESE MALE POP STARS THINK YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT

       If you don’t know you’re beautiful yet, here are some things that our favorite male feminists and/or pop musicians have said about you.