Which kind of feminist are you? Write it in the comments! Oh, there’s no comments section in this book? Well, we’re still learning how this whole book thing works. Okay, just write it down on a piece of paper, attach it to a dove, and say your wish three times as you release the dove into the world. That way, you will for sure become a feminist! Good luck!
Plinky the Fairy Witch
Luck you’ll need, yes, luck times three.
You’ll need pluck and you’ll need me!
I’m Plinky the Fairy Witch, enchanté!
I guide new feminists on their way!
So follow me, child, and hear my spell.
I’ll guide you through book club, and potlucks, and hell.
For stresses will stress, and pressure will presh,
When you’re a “FEMINIST” with a capital F!
Tee hee! Too hoo!
Follow me, little you!
I once robbed a bank in Kalamazoo!
Plinky is a second-wave feminist fairy who was trapped in a tampon dispenser at Lilith Fair for twenty years. We think she’s making that bank-robbery thing up, because she doesn’t seem like the type. There is a chance that she’s a dangerous radical, but for our purposes please try to ignore that. She has a lot of great things to say aside from the crime stuff, which, again, is probably not true. Just FYI!
HOW TO FEMINIST
A FEMINIST INVOCATION OF
Beyoncé
Repeat the following out loud, whenever you’re in need of wombspiration, whether you’re getting catcalled on the street or about to undertake a spiritually exhausting day of shopping.
We are the hands of the Goddess, Beyoncé,
And to her we offer to put our hands up.
We are the booties of the Goddess,
And to her we offer up cake by the pound.
We are the moufs of the Goddess, Bae,
And to her we offer cigars on ice.
The patriarchy:
How the hell did this shit happen?
Oh, babeh.
Let us find strength
In this kitchen half-naked.
In her name we make the world ready
For this jelly.
HOW TO FEMSPLAIN FEMINISM TO YOUR FRIENDS
Feminism is all about us women having each other’s backs, but it’s also about setting an example for those who may not be as enlightened as yourself. After all, you’re not really a feminist unless you’re sharing a slice of feminism with all your gal pals and raising them up to your level.* Since a rising tide lifts all boats, it’s up to you to gath-her your friends together for gal-therings from time to time, braid their hair into cute feminist plaits, and empower them with the feminist discussions and tools they need in order to know that you already know more than they do. That’s what feminism is all about!
You may have heard the term “mansplaining,” which is when men explain things you already know in a condescending way. Now, when we need to explain important feminist concepts like brow shaping to women (who should probably already know them by now), we “femsplain.” Femsplaining allows us to empower ourselves and other women at the same time, while throwing just a teensy bit of shade their way for being so basic. It’s a very important part of the work we do!
When you femsplain feminism to your friends, make sure you don’t femsplain what’s wrong with other women;** rather, femsplain what’s right about you.*** If other women come across as lesser feminists as a result, then so be it. It’s in your power to feminspire women to be good feminists—almost, but never quite as good as you. Here’s how.
Feminvite them over.
A good invite is fun and playful while also conveying the importance of the gal-thering. Use some empowering phrases to get friends excited for the event, like, “We have got to get our gal on!” Give the night a fun and funky title like “Lisa’s Lady Bash” or “Wear Your Stretchy Jeans!” And always, always mention there will be booze. Drinking propels feminist discussion, so pick up your fave bottle of alc-her-hol and get ready to partake in the discourse.
Put on some fempowering music and talk about your bodies.
When your friends arrive, start slow by playing some early Beyoncé and then pass out some homemade probiotic yogurt. This will help get them comfortable and set the mood before you dish out that feminist knowledge. Before they know it, you’ll be telling them how “real” their bodies are and how beautiful their curves look. In the 1960s, this type of group discussion was called “consciousness raising,” but for our modern-day purposes we’d rather call it “woking up like this” because it just sounds better.
Anyway, have your friends sit in a circle and repeat the phrase “I woke up like this” until they start to believe it. Once they start nodding, smiling, and taking their first shaky yet empowered selfies, you’ll know they’re ready to absorb the lessons that they were not permitting themselves to take in before you came into their life and allowed them to be who they already are.
Literally bake a feminist cake and dish it out to your femfriends.
Baking is fun and a great way to show friends you feel strongly about something (think birthdays, bake-sale fund-raisers). A chocolate cake says, “This cake is for women. Women love chocolate. I feel strongly about that.”
If your friends are watching their waistlines and refuse your feminist cake, go ahead and put on your “Fempowerment” playlist. Right as that old Meghan Trainor song comes on, tell them how much “real women” eat cake these days and then reoffer the cake. Do not let them leave without eating some cake. This is an important step.
Before you know it they’ll be, like, “How do I get this recipe? This dish is so good!” This will allow you to discuss the ins and outs of modern feminism and explain, “Actually, this cake was baked by a man. The man.” That’s where this book comes in. Pass around copies of the book as feminist party favors and get that party started.
Distribute this femiglossary.
When you’re part of a movement, particularly a movement that involves women, it’s important to have a shared language to discuss your collective experiences and goals as well as common cultural reference points to empower each other with and shout supportively at each other during hard workouts.