MRS. FORD
A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
MRS. FORD
Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.
FALSTAFF
What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple-time; I cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deservest it.
MRS. FORD
Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress Page.
FALSTAFF
Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a limekiln.
MRS. FORD
Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.
FALSTAFF
Keep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.
MRS. FORD
Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.
ROBIN
[Within] Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
FALSTAFF
She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the arras.
MRS. FORD
Pray you, do so; she’s a very tattling woman.
[FALSTAFF hides himself.]
[Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN.]
What’s the matter? How now!
MRS. PAGE
O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you are overthrown, you are undone for ever!
MRS. FORD
What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
MRS. PAGE
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
MRS. FORD
What cause of suspicion?
MRS. PAGE
What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! how am I mistook in you!
MRS. FORD
Why, alas, what’s the matter?
MRS. PAGE
Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone.
MRS. FORD
[Aside] Speak louder.
‘Tis not so, I hope.
MRS. PAGE
Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here! but ‘tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.
MRS. FORD
What shall I do? — There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.
MRS. PAGE
For shame! never stand “you had rather” and “you had rather”: your husband’s here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or — it is whiting-time — send him by your two men to Datchet-Mead.
MRS. FORD
He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?
FALSTAFF
[Coming forward] Let me see ‘t, let me see ‘t. O, let me see ‘t! I’ll in, I’ll in; follow your friend’s counsel; I’ll in.
MRS. PAGE
What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?
FALSTAFF
I love thee and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here. I’ll never —
[He gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen.]
MRS. PAGE
Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
MRS. FORD
What, John! Robert! John!
[Exit ROBIN.]
[Re-enter SERVANTS.]
Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where’s the cowl-staff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-Mead; quickly, come.
[Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS.]
FORD
Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now, whither bear you this?
SERVANT
To the laundress, forsooth.
MRS. FORD
Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
FORD
Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.
[Exeunt SERVANTS with the basket.]
Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door] So, now uncape.
PAGE
Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
FORD
True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon; follow me, gentlemen.
[Exit FORD.]
EVANS
This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
CAIUS
By gar, ‘tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.
PAGE
Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
[Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS.]
MRS. PAGE
Is there not a double excellency in this?
MRS. FORD
I know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
MRS. PAGE
What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!
MRS. FORD
I am half afraid he will have need of washing;