Please know that I am using “Mom” and “Dad” loosely here to refer to different types of influence in a teen girl’s life. The roles and responsibilities of parents are shifting from traditional and stereotypical to be much more fluid, expansive, and inclusive. At the same time, though, one parent is often the primary caregiver in the family—meaning their role is more hands-on than a parent who is less involved in the day to day. Here, I will look at the role of each parent separately, with a focus on how teen girls are affected. Regardless of family configuration (single-parent or blended, same-sex or hetero, traditional or non-traditional), your teen daughter benefits from different parenting styles and support. If you think she may need another positive figure in her life, by all means bring one in. You might consider a mentor, a family friend, a member of the neighbourhood, or someone in your faith community. This trusted individual should be someone who can provide her with a different perspective and a different kind of relationship than the one you are cultivating with her. Think of it this way: no one parent (or person) can fulfill all her needs. Thus, a more healthy and balanced approach is to widen her support circle. Add new and interesting people who will see her differently, have varied conversations with her, and have a novel connection to her.
The Mom Effect
Moms often ask me, “How do I teach my daughter to have a positive body image and compete with the unrealistic images she sees daily on her social media feeds and in advertisements?” The answer is to provide ample messages of your own that are healthier and more realistic as you encourage her toward body appreciation.
Start with you: Change begins first with how you speak about your own body and other women. By paying attention to what you do today, you can alter the trajectory of your teen’s relationship with her body for the rest of her life. Complaining that you “look old and tired” or making a comment like “I can’t believe she’s wearing leggings out in public” is damaging. Your daughter hears you, and she will instantly reflect on her own look and clothing choice. Be patient. It may take some time for you to become more aware of your relationship with your body.
If you spend time looking in the mirror and critiquing your body, she will learn to copy you. If you push food around on your plate, pretending to eat, she’ll push her food around too. If you overeat or undereat to deal with uncomfortable feelings like frustration, sadness, or rejection, she’ll add this “coping” tool to her own toolkit. If you limit the types of foods you eat, talk about dieting, or are obsessive with fitness and exercise, guess what? She will follow your lead. By contrast, if you eat a well-balanced diet, focus on fitness, and emphasize feeling good about your body by actively practising self-care, she will learn that this is the path to follow.
Stand strong: I know this is a big ask, especially if you struggle with your own body image, but begin by nurturing her body confidence, which is all about how she stands: tall, head up and chin out, shoulders back, looking strong and poised. At first, this may feel foreign to her, but research on body language and high-power poses by social psychologist Amy Cuddy shows us that how we stand influences body chemistry—lowering cortisol (the stress hormone) and raising testosterone (the dominance hormone). Standing strong can translate into feeling strong. As Cuddy explains, standing like a superhero for only two minutes can create the belief that “I can do anything” and empower girls to feel assertive and brave enough to take risks. “Fake it ’til you become it.”4 Stand with her; practise together. Feel good about your bodies together.
Focus on feeling over appearance: It is all too easy to gain quick connection with our girls by complimenting their appearance: “I love your outfit,” or “You look so pretty today.” Well-intentioned, yes, but when we highlight the superficial, she comes to believe that this is her true value. In other words, she internalizes the idea that what she looks like matters most, and she may feel our attention and love are contingent on her appearance. Let’s use our words wisely, commenting on her attitude, her work ethic, and the dreams she wants to create and step into. Instead of complimenting her physical beauty, try complimenting her competence: “I see how hard you have been working today,” or “You’re really showing focus and determination when you practise.” Phrases like these help her embody her core qualities and prioritize her power over her prettiness. When she asks you, “How do I look?” you can answer, but don’t leave it there. Ask her, “How do you feel?” Remind her to focus on personalities and not attire when she is with her friends, and let her know that she can influence her peer group with her meaningful compliments in place of the social norm of criticism.
Shatter the mirror: Girls can become trapped in the mirror, endlessly fussing. Let them know that although we do not want them to leave the house with clothes mismatched or makeup running under their eyes, they need not spend too much time glaring at their reflections and looking for body parts they feel are imperfect or need “shaming.” When she looks in the mirror, help her to focus on the body parts she loves and use positive messaging when speaking about herself: “My legs are so toned and strong,” for example, or “I love the colour of my hair.” Encourage her to shift her focus from the mirror to real life, where there is so much more to think about than just body image—creating arts and crafts, photography, playing sports, skateboarding at the skate park, or meeting up with friends. Teach her to care less about looking good and more about truly living.
Dr. Marissa Bentham—clinic owner, chiropractor, and mom—is aware of her impact on her daughter’s self-image. She offers this insight: “I’ve maintained a strong awareness that my daughter is always watching and listening to me when I get dressed, when I do my hair and makeup, and when I look at myself in the mirror, so I am very intentional about the messages I send her. I am very careful not to criticize myself or my body, both for my own healthy body image, and for hers. I do put time, care, and attention into my appearance and sometimes I am concerned that it may be influencing my daughter to put too much focus in this area. I try to always reiterate to her that who we are is so much more important than how we look, but that it’s okay to want to look and feel our best.” Dr. Bentham makes a great point: a healthy body image can include both looking and feeling good; it doesn’t have to be one or the other but a balance of both.
Choose connection over disconnection: Girls turn against themselves when something goes wrong, whether that something is a poor grade, a fight with a friend, or simply not feeling good enough. They can choose to suffer in silence and disconnect not only from us but also from themselves. Unfortunately, their bodies are easy and accessible targets for their sadness, frustration, and even anger. As she becomes hyper-focused on her body—and buys into the logic of “if I were prettier, skinnier, or sexier, then I’ll feel happier”—she can easily disconnect by ignoring her feelings and often negating physical signs such as hunger, thirst, or fatigue. Worse yet, she can punish herself by overdoing it with eating, sleeping, and exercising, or distract herself from discomfort with social media and screen time. As she disconnects, she can feel more lost than ever.
This is where moms have an important role to play: you can remind her how to connect. She may not want to talk to you and connect through conversation, but you can gently point out that she may need to amp up her self-care regime. Make suggestions: drinking enough water; taking time to prepare and then nourish her body with a wholesome meal; moving her body and doing something she loves to do (preferably outside); getting enough sleep (despite the changes in her circadian rhythm that will make her want to stay up late);5 taking time to process her feelings by journalling or speaking with you. Remind her that whatever she is going through is just a moment, and that moments have a beginning and, yes, an end.
The Dad Effect
Throughout my years of working with young girls and their parents, I have seen a drastic and impressive shift from dad disengagement to dad involvement, especially when it comes to body image. In the early years of my practice, dads often appeared awkward and uncomfortable around their teenage daughters with their changing bodies, changing hormones, and emergent and strong opinions. I would hear their oft-repeated refrain, “I leave those