I was living trapped in a state of fear, and most of what I feared had no basis in reality. I have learned that fear is the opposite of love, which is where we need to be if we are to accomplish great things and be our best selves. I was afraid to live life or put myself “out there” for fear I would get hurt. I ate more and more, thinking that food would somehow love me. I felt empty inside and tried to satisfy that inner emptiness by stuffing myself.
Looking for external substances, including people, places, or things (like food) to love us is like trying to fill a bottomless hole.
I ate more and more and got heavier and heavier, because I was looking at outside things to bring me pleasure, when all they ended up bringing was more pain. I was living in my own self-imposed hell, brought on by my warped way of thinking. Instead of treating myself and my body with love and respect, I abused my body and beat myself up for being overweight, then went and ate even more. It was a vicious cycle, and at the root of it was a lack of self-love, also known as FEAR.
When I began to lose weight and talked to a therapist who specialized in weight issues and eating disorders, I discovered that my fears were all nonsense. When we are kids and we think we hear something or see a shadow in the closet, we turn on the light only to realize there’s nothing there. I would expose these bogus fears one by one, shine a light on them, and tell them to get the F out! I still do this on a daily basis. There is something very powerful about telling our crazy, obsessive minds, and irrational thoughts to go take a hike, jump in a lake, take a long walk off a short pier, or whatever colorful expression or visualization you may find helpful.
Watch Your Mind!
People like me, who have a history of weight problems and issues with eating need to remain vigilant and watchful over our minds, which often subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) try to lure us into revisiting our old habits or finding some new addiction to temporarily gratify its pleasure center. My mind was well versed in its role as an obsessive-compulsive overeater—a food addict, if you will. The thought of food, of delicious food, of too much food (more than you needed to be healthy and live), of one more piece, one more bite, of shenanigans like getting up at midnight to eat the leftovers when you’re still full, are toxic habits. They are obvious thoughts our minds will keep throwing out like perfect-looking pitches right over home plate that curve at the last second, causing you to swing and miss if you take the bait. There are also less obvious ways our minds tend to try to “run the show” by getting us to feed our addictive pleasure center.
Now that I was no longer “overeating,” my mind was off in search for some new addiction to replace the excess food, which I so clearly gave the heave-ho, that I wrote a book about it! For many people who give up overeating, other addictions like alcohol, drugs, and even anorexic and bulimic behaviors can take the place of food. The mind has a way of getting fixated on anything that could possibly give it a rise or a sense of being in charge. The secret is taking the power back from your intoxicated mind.
Just because our minds tell us another slice of pizza or eating an entire chocolate cake in one evening is a good idea or another drink won’t hurt anyone doesn’t make it so. But our minds don’t force us to do anything except believe that whatever it’s telling us is worth doing. That’s how the mind gets its fix. Nice, huh? The addictive pleasure center in our minds is looking for instant gratification, a false high from something external, whether it be food or something else. The mind puts forth obsessive thoughts and false feelings of lack in order to gratify its pleasure center and get that temporary high. Remember, this part of us doesn’t care about our well-being. It doesn’t care if we are healthy and happy or miserable and addicted. Think about how life would be if you could eat whatever your mind told you it wanted, and you didn’t have to be held accountable. You’d likely be like I was, at least 150 pounds overweight, miserable, and on the verge of dying. You must simply begin by looking within and grasping the reality that you don’t need excess food or any external source of gratification to feel whole or complete. The food doesn’t make you feel better. The addictive part of your brain makes you think it does. Just like with any high, there comes the inevitable low: the guilt, shame, and embarrassment for overeating and being overweight. Think of how much wonderful, delicious food you can enjoy for many more years if you were to let go of the false need for a quick fix and instead focus on all that you already have that makes you whole.
Instead of Jiminy Cricket on our shoulder, we have what I consider to be this big fat resident junkie rat living upstairs in our attic looking to get a fix anyway it can! We can’t evict this rat, but we can learn to become the conscious observer of our thoughts and recognize when this rat is acting up and call it out! Screw you, rat, I DON’T need another slice of cake!
Monitor Obsessive Thoughts
Instead of feeding on obsessive thoughts about food—it’s hard to obsess about food when you’ve truly learned to enjoy just about every kind of food, restaurant, and situation in moderation—my screwy mind was looking for other ways to get its fix. My mind was hooked on telling me all the things I was doing wrong with my book tour and that I was wasting my time and would not be successful and should just go back to doing law full-time. That fat rat had gotten skinny and was looking for any crumbs it could find to satisfy its hunger. Our minds need to feel like they are in constant control, and nothing makes them feel more in control or powerful than when they are getting high off of self-destructive thoughts. This makes us feel worse and allows our minds to beat us up some more and try to get us to do the very same thing again to satisfy their addiction. Instead of enjoying what I thought I wanted, I stopped enjoying and living in the moment and started comparing myself to standards my mind kept making up. I kept thinking about what my life would be like had I not published this book and wasted all this time and money. It’s like the times when I used to diet and all I could think about was the delicious foods and restaurants I was missing out on, which would lead me to fall off the wagon and binge.
I realized that my mind was the culprit, the same mind that used to tell me I should be deprived in order to lose weight. It was what constantly reminded me of what I am missing out on and that I was a fat, unlovable, undisciplined failure. Yet it kept telling me I wanted and needed to eat more. Our minds can be our own worst enemies by working against us to undermine and sabotage us. My resident junkie rat had been living rent-free in my head my entire life, causing about as much pain and destruction as the worst tenant you may have ever tried to evict for not paying rent, for destroying the furniture, smashing the windows, or setting the place on fire! The same mind that used to obsess about food and think that excess eating was going to solve the world’s problems had decided to take up a new campaign: beating me up over my decision to write and publish my book and making me feel bad about myself. Thoughts like these could lead someone with a history of overeating or any kind of addiction to “fall off the wagon” and go back to their destructive behaviors or self-medicating. Remember, you are in charge at all times! The rat inside your head trying to tempt you to eat a little more and the committee that is trying to talk you down, are not the “real” you! They are a part of you, but these thoughts reside in the addictive part of our brains.
Remember what I had to nearly die to learn: We are more than our bodies and our minds; we are our souls. We were our souls before we came to be in this life; we are now, and we always will be, long after this life we are living is over. When you look at the big picture, all this nonsense our minds try to get us to buy into to feed their addictions is so unimportant. Yet, when we are in the throes of addictive and self-deprecating behavior, we can become totally consumed by our thoughts, which lead us to feel powerless, out of control, afraid, sad, angry, lonely, and overwhelmed, which in turn lead us to engage in behavior that is bad for us.
Our minds can inflict terrible damage on our psyche and self-esteem, and the truth is, most of what they tell us is just not helpful, if not flat out wrong. I started thinking of my “mind” (which was now telling me how I screwed up and could be doing so much better