We reach our ideal weight and expect life to suddenly be perfect—making the cover of GQ, getting a great job, a gorgeous girlfriend who “totally gets you,” making a lot of money, acting with a sense of confidence and self-esteem that doesn’t just “happen” as the result of weight loss. All of these things are possible and aren’t bad things, but they are just things. They aren’t the end-all-be-all and even if you got everything you thought you ever wanted as a result of weight loss (or it just happened to fall into your lap), you still wouldn’t be satisfied, you would want more.
I had to learn the hard way that I always had everything I ever wanted and I am everything I ever needed. I lost 150 pounds in a year and life wasn’t suddenly magical. I struggled with dating for years.
My codependent behaviors continued to resurface and wreak havoc in my personal and professional life. I looked for relationships and other people to complete me, like I wasn’t enough. I would have to struggle with my demons and tendencies to resort to old behaviors and learn to truly realize and accept the reality: I am a lovable person. I am a soul having a human experience. I came here with nothing but my soul. I am and have nothing but my soul, and I will leave here with nothing but my soul. Money, people, possessions, our bodies, our minds, all of it will cease to exist one day. I now believe in my heart of hearts that we are all eternal.
If I could summarize everything I have in just one word, it is LOVE. Love is the answer to the riddle of life. When we love ourselves, we no longer need the illusion of external gratification. We simply are. We accept what is. We are grateful. We don’t feel a need for excess food to fulfill us. We don’t pass our needs off on another person, who we may unreasonably and unfairly expect to fulfill our needs by loving, treating, and making us feel a certain way. The reality is nobody and nothing can make us feel anything.
Nobody and nothing can fill an inner emptiness. When we realize we always have had everything we ever needed, when we love ourselves, life suddenly becomes easier. We are no longer fighting with ourselves and with life, we stop looking outside of ourselves for love and fulfillment, stop indulging in bad habits like addictions to people, places, and things, such as food, alcohol, and drugs. These things lose their power as we step up and claim ours. We are powerful. We have the power. We have the keys to a beautiful bright future and to more than we could have ever imagined. It all begins within us.
My diet turned into so much more than losing weight. It led to the “total makeover” of every aspect of myself, which continues to this day. It didn’t stop once I reached a desirable weight. I struggled with this for years and had to continue to work on myself and learn to love the imperfect person I am in order to maintain my weight. I had to learn to forgive others. Most of all, I had to forgive myself. I had to let go of resentments. I had to learn to put my own needs first in a non-selfish way, which, as a recovering codependent, is very difficult. I had to learn new ways to enjoy life and to live each day to the fullest. I got to explore new activities and new destinations, while learning to make peace with my past, letting go of the pain, and discovering the remarkable being I am. In addition to embracing a positive attitude of acceptance, even when things weren’t as I might have liked, I learned to truly love myself, which made it easier to get up every day and strive to do my best and to work to improve every aspect of my life. I had to accept that I am human and will never achieve perfection, and that is fine. As long as I am honest and doing my best, I should be proud of myself.
Be Your Own Best Friend!
I learned to be my own best friend, which made sense since I spend more time with myself than with anyone else. I had to accept that there is no special person, no wonder drug, and no amount of money that can make us love ourselves or make us feel complete. We are complete, and we are beautiful. We are love. We must practice this by learning to treat the weight loss experience as an exercise in learning to have a positive relationship with food as a substance we need to nourish ourselves. We must improve our relationships with ourselves while improving our relationships with others, and life becomes more joyful. Things and other people aren’t going to make us happy. I’ve learned along the way that true happiness is when you reach a place of inner peace and acceptance. A place of love. Self-love. We can’t love anything or anyone if we don’t love ourselves. In the beginning and in the end, it always was and always will be about us.
Peel Your Onion—Discover and Reclaim Yourself!
Anyone can lose weight by finding the right combination of healthful eating and beneficial exercise but adopting a positive attitude and learning to love ourselves is far more challenging—you can’t simply eat, diet, or exercise your way there. It takes practice, dedication, and a roadmap of helpful hints to guide you there. And you can’t fake it. As we lose weight, get healthier, feel better, and learn to love ourselves and the life we are creating, our self-esteem and attitude improve. These go hand-in-hand.
I liken the journey of weight loss and self-discovery to peeling the layers back of the proverbial onion that surrounds us. During the process, we reclaim missing pieces of ourselves, discover new and exciting things about ourselves, and build our self-esteem. We peel off the layers that no longer serve us, and we shed some tears along with the pounds. Eventually, we get to the sweet center of the onion, which is our true self.
The layers of the onion represent negative or harmful behaviors, thought processes, emotions, distorted self-images, and anything that isn’t in our best interest.
The sweet center we discover as we shed pounds and transform our lives is who we really are. When we finally get to meet our true selves, we should find it easier to love and want to take better care of ourselves. It took me a long time and a lot of effort to get here, and trust me, I did not arrive here all neat and tidy simply by losing 150 pounds.
Make Peace with the Outside World by Making Peace with Yourself
It took a lot of bruises and heartache, but I’m finally living in an internal place where things outside of me—people, places, things, and events—no longer affect me so much. I certainly no longer place my happiness in the hands of others or in expectations that anything outside of me can or ever will fulfill me. They can’t. This is where our power lies. Once we fully accept and embrace this concept, we become more peaceful and almost immune to life. Things happen, but they don’t affect us or threaten to send us off the rails in search of some kind of quick fix. We don’t need a quick fix or any kind of fix when we are functioning in a place of self-love, acceptance, and gratitude.
During the past ten years, since beginning my weight loss journey, I have had a lot of time to reflect upon my own progress. It is hard to believe that ten years have passed since I began this process or that my life ever was as limited and unpleasant as it had been for so long. Having weighed over three hundred pounds for over five years and struggling with my weight for nearly three decades, I never could have imagined my life would be as wonderful and rewarding as it is today. While losing the weight, and during the years I have worked to keep it off, there have been many days where I struggled and fell back into old negative thought patterns and behaviors. I am grateful for therapy, support groups, family, and good friends for helping me put things into perspective, but, at the end of the day, each one of us alone is responsible for our success, or lack thereof. There were many days where a positive thought or nugget totally turned my day around and kept me from spiraling out of control, which, in the past, often led me to destructive behaviors like overeating.
Persistence Pays Off!
I’ve learned the hard way that when you believe in something and you do it for the right reasons (even if you stumble along the way and make mistakes or suffer setbacks), if you are honest with yourself, if you assess the situation and examine your role in it and then make changes for the better, then you will be recognized and rewarded in the long run. Recently, I had the privilege of speaking before a sold-out crowd of sixty attendees (with a waiting list) at the Designing Women’s Boutique in Sarasota, Florida. The audience was laughing and crying. I’ve never received so many heartfelt compliments in my life.
At another event in Naples, a couple came up to me afterwards and invited me to dinner. That being said, I get invited to dinner all the time, so many invitations that I can’t possibly