There is a difference between cyber infidelity and traditional, real-life infidelity. Before we enter the cyber world, I want you to create your own definition of offline, face-to-face infidelity. For yourself. Not for your partner, as this may be different. Do this so you know when you break your own offline rules. Decide which of all the following items apply to your definition, and add your own items.
This is my definition of offline, face-to-face infidelity:
•Sexual intercourse
•Passionate kissing
•Sexual fantasies
•Non-sexual fantasies about falling in love
•Sexual attraction
•Romantic attraction
•Flirting
•Studying/having lunch/going to a movie with someone other than your partner
•Dating or spending time with a different partner
•Petting.44
I say your partner’s definition will be different: substantial research tells us that men and women think differently about infidelity both offline and online. Interestingly, both of you think that sexual behaviour with someone else is unacceptable, a greater betrayal than an emotional attachment to someone else. But she feels way more wounded when he discloses his secrets to another person, spends his time with this person and keeps it secret – much more wounded than if he were to have sex with this person. And, as you would expect, he says, ‘Go ahead and share your feelings with another, but hey, those genitals and body are mine exclusively.’
Perhaps you are wondering why you are thinking about offline cheating or why you have cheated face to face. Is it different offline to online? Indeed it is!
I know why.
When you decided to stand at the altar with The One, consciously or unconsciously, you considered four points. Based on these points, you called the wedding planner. Go on, reconsider them now – now that you may be at your infidelity tipping point (or have crossed the threshold already):
1.Commitment – how keen are you to persist in your current relationship, merging with and being dependent on this person on multiple levels?
2.Investment – how valuable are the resources this person brings to you? These resources could be financial, status or security.
3.Satisfaction – how satisfied does this person and relationship make you feel?
4.Alternatives – is there anyone ‘out there’ who is more attractive, satisfying, pleasing and resourceful than your current partner?
Consider yourself at risk of infidelity if you ticked all four boxes, both offline and online, and highly at risk if you feel your commitment waning and your satisfaction low. Men who feel sexually dissatisfied and women who feel emotionally dissatisfied will seek out an extramarital partner. For a complete infidelity recipe, add in a few personality traits such as a predisposition to novel and intense sensations and experiences often involving risky behaviour plus impulsiveness. If you’re the guy who needs to drive the fastest car/plane/boat, or the woman who is a cowboy on the stock market, you’re at higher risk of infidelity. Top this up with narcissism and, finally, add liberal sexual attitudes. Voilà! Infidelity, here I come!
Over 20 years of clinical practice, I’ve seen the face of offline infidelity change: traditionally, the man was the infidel. He looks guilty and remorseful, she’s in tears. They both know exactly what offline infidelity is: he has dated, spent time or had sexual interaction, including penetration, with someone different. She feels shattered. He has broken the contract, specifically by breaching the assumed exclusivity and privacy that she thought marriage brought her.45 She considered divorce. Her options were pitiful: leave as a victimised woman, single-parenting a couple of kids, older, dependent on a good settlement and, once again, seeking The One; or stay, carrying a heavy stone where her heart once was, never able to enjoy being sexual with that dick again.
Historically, men have felt entitled to cheat, and their wives have felt stifled to complain about it. The playing fields of infidelity levelled once women unshackled themselves from the kitchen sink. In the 1970s, women entered the workforce and greedily grabbed handfuls of cheating.
Today I sit quietly, witness to the new normal offline infidelity unfolding in my therapy room. It was the secretary. It began over the desk. She leant in for too long and he felt alive and throbbing with sexual excitement. He was sexually curious and biting at the bit for new sexual experiences. He had grown weary of his wife’s sexual withholding. He had a liking of fast bikes and pretty women. His wife began to feel his distraction, short-temperedness and loss of sexual interest in her. He was skittish about his whereabouts and went to the toilet with his mobile device. She believed they had a happy marriage. She began to poke. She got a break when he unintentionally left his mobile next to the bedside table. Her heart stopped as she saw the reams of WhatsApp messages. The mental and sexual exclusivity she had signed up for on their wedding day had been shattered. She confronted him. He denied and defended. She kicked the secretary out. He told her he was in love. With both of them. She was determined to stay in the ring for this fight of her life She never contemplated divorce. She did consider a revenge affair. She posted her profile on www.AshleyMadison.com.
It’s time for us to go online, to enter the world of cyber infidelity. Hold on for the ride of your life.
| 3 |
‘It’s not like I’m having sex or anything’
What is cyber infidelity?
I am a professional musician and meet many women on the road. I’m a happily married man to a gorgeous wife. She’s pretty involved with the kids and leaves me to travel alone. I gave one of my fans my mobile number and she began texting me. Sexy stuff. Suddenly I felt sexy again. My wife and I hardly ever have sex as I’m tired and also admit I drink too much, so usually fall asleep quickly. We began this very hot sexting. I shared very private thoughts and fantasies with her. My wife discovered all of this and was pretty upset. I’m not sure why as I will never leave her or even want to have sex with this other woman. I just enjoy the fun of talking sexy to another woman.
www.mycybersecret.co.za
I invite you to consider and construct your own definition of cyber infidelity (CI). Read through this conversation, answer my questions and make up your own mind. Then discuss things with your partner and invite his or her response. Getting onto the same page about what constitutes CI is the first vital step to understanding and managing your cyber relationships.
Michael and Judy have been married for over seven years. Michael discovers that Judy has developed a relationship with someone else over the Internet. Judy explains to Michael that the relationship is not romantic and that they are only friends. She did not think she had done anything wrong – after all, this man was only a friend who existed in text. She said their interactions were merely flirtation or just a bit of fun. So what if she flirts a bit with someone who lives far away? Michael, at first, brushes it off – it’s only the Internet, and there’s no harm in having fun. But over time, he becomes more and more unsettled about it. He confronts Judy.
She denies and defends and tries to explain that he is just a faithful companion, that the only feelings she has are not real as this man is just words on a screen. She then reassures Michael that he should not take it so seriously or worry about it because it is an online, and not a real, relationship – that online relationships mean nothing because there, everyone lives in a virtual reality. Michael accuses her of having an affair.
Judy retaliates, asking how she could be having an affair without even having met the man. She tells Michael to calm down, and says that although she chats regularly she has