Burzumato describes four cultural forces that assisted in moving mate selection to a courtship system that includes ‘the date’.15 Firstly, as discussed, courtship moved from public acts in private spaces to private or individual acts conducted in public spaces – from gaining parents’ permission to sit on the porch with you, to taking you out to dinner and a movie, for example. And perhaps a cuddle in the back seat of the car. The car revolutionised dating, being a small space, private and intimate, filled with possibilities. Now, it is the Internet that has revolutionised courtship and dating. All you require is a profile and a mobile device or computer: man and machine meeting and making out in the car, workspace and marital bed.
Dating was normalised as the conduit for courtship. Technically, dating is when two people deliberate and consensually agree to meet socially and publicly to engage in a social activity. The intention is more than friendship. It provides a real-life, face-to-face opportunity to market yourself, and to assess each other’s suitability as a long- or short-term partner. Back in the day, you went on a date as your mother made you or you were flattered by his attention – or, first prize, because you were really aroused and interested in who he or she may be. Social media has short-circuited this: by the time the date happens, you know an awful lot about this person. I know that before you go on an In Real Life date you Google the person – or are you a Google-abstinent dater?16
Burzumato’s second cultural force – namely, the early-20th-century rise of the ‘agony aunt’ giving advice about dating and courtship – stereotyped dating rules. This ‘higher authority’ determined what was ‘normal’ for you. It was ‘normal’ for the man to invite the woman on a date, to plan it and to pay for it. The inverse was not contemplated, continuing the belief that women needed to be wooed and seduced and men needed to hunt them down.
In 1994, I entered the world as an agony aunt as Dr Eve, and changed this script. Maybe it was my training at the Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, my feminist agenda or my own liberal upbringing that disallowed me to consider these dating rules to be normative. Mostly, it was the many people who wrote to me, who taught me their dating needs: an open environment in which fun, respect, consent and equality prevailed. And sex. My new dating suggestions were inclusive of the woman wanting to have sex on the first date. Withhold sexist stereotypes and judgements – your responsibility is to ensure there is a condom handy, I advised.
From the original religious script dictating rigid courtship patterns to the familial script, the dating script that has grabbed people’s attention the most, and that continues to hold it until this day, is the media script. Think Kardashians and you get the picture! According to this script, dating happens in public forums. We receive these courtship messages passively via reality shows. We really believe that the way to find a partner is to be accepted on to The Bachelor or The Bachelorette.
The third major influence on courtship was the sexual revolution of the 1970s. Why should a man marry you if he could be sexual with a woman without the commitment? In addition, the oral contraceptive arrived in the late 1960s, concretising the idea of free sex for everyone and, most importantly, separating forever the joined-at-the-hip team of reproduction and marriage. With free love available, there was no need for private spaces as courting once again became proudly public. Women liberally invited men or women on dates and paid for themselves – then took them home for a pregnancy-free condom-covered sexual experience.
Finally, in the late 20th century, the influence of capitalism crept into our courtship language and dating behaviour. Words like ‘competition’, ‘scarcity’ and ‘abundance’ were used in private spaces. Courting became a marketplace: men and women had a price on their heads and were up for sale to the highest bidder. We began to become commodified.
I felt this most strongly standing at the bar of the Four Seasons Hotel in New York, a well-known, high-class bar that serves expensive drinks and attracts single, corporate women wearing black and heels and men in Wall Street suits, who stop over on their way home to the domesticity of Long Island, the wife and a couple of kids. The most I got was a once-over glance, a ‘Hi, how are you?’ as each man standing in front of me gazed around the room, seeking greener pastures and, with an easy rhythm that seemed acceptable in this community, moved on to the next woman – who greeted him as if she were working on an assembly line. Who’s next? I remember thinking, There have to be easier, more dignified ways of meeting men in New York City.
I went online. It was 2010.
Online dating sites have been around since the early 1990s, reflecting our natural inclination to connect – an inclination that both married and single people display. In 1999, 2% of American singles had used some form of online personal services. By 2002, 25% of singles had used Internet dating services. By 2008, Internet dating was a $1 billion industry.17 Technology has, indeed, improved – but, as you will see, it is the de-stigmatising of online dating that has contributed to its massive uptake as a primary form of mating and courting.
Remember those early bulletin boards and forums for singles? When I launched my first website in 1995, I realised that people did not want to chat about my posts; rather, they wanted to chat and flirt with each other. I followed the massive success of America Online and offered chat rooms.
Match.com was born in 1994. Perhaps it will surprise you to know that despite the founding of Facebook in 2004, Americans spent over $500 million on online dating in 2007, making it the second-largest industry for paid content on the web, next to pornography.18
By the time I signed up for my online dating adventure, eHarmony had created algorithms to promise you a perfect match. I created a profile on a dating site for single people. This profile is pivotal to dating and future courtship success. I was the pigeon carrying my own message to a million strangers. I found it laborious, boring, dishonest, and wondered why I or anyone else would spend so many hours having superficial chats when, actually, I wanted to meet as soon as possible and do a real-life check.
It seems many others felt the same. But, as you know, it took many more hours of trite (and sometimes meaningful) online chats before IRL (In Real Life) became even more possible via a new form of technology.
In 2012, the world of mobile online dating applications was born with Grindr and Tinder leading the pack. As you will read, this has changed the face of dating. You may still long to meet a real-life person at a real-life party. Chances are that the party is in your own lounge, and consists of you and a group of friends giggling over photos on your mobile dating apps. Or – more likely – of you alone in your lounge, late at night on your laptop, scrolling through profiles and photos, as your partner sleeps soundly in your king-size marital bed.
The Internet is triangulated into our offline relationships. We spend less time watching TV, socialising offline, relaxing and thinking, and 100 minutes a day online just for leisure.19 Social networking is the most popular and time-consuming online activity. Users spend more than one fifth (22%) of their time engaging on social media channels.
Consider how much time you spend online. Think about what you do online. Track yourself as you see the rabbit hole of infidelity appearing oh so casually on your screen – the innocence of a Facebook post, a skanky tweet that you return, or the more deliberate decision to create a profile on www.AshleyMadison.com.
Stay with me as you stare at that rabbit hole.
It is my passionate belief that dating, courtship, love and sexuality will never be the same again. The pigeon has flown the coop forever. We have entered a new sexual revolution. Our cyber world is our real world. And cyber infidelity is the most scandalous and salacious seduction.
Before you bury yourself in the CMC of online dating and infidelity, let’s go offline and see how the rules