Michael disagrees. ‘It is cheating,’ he says calmly. ‘It’s emotional cheating.’
‘How so?’ she says, getting annoyed.
‘Cheating isn’t necessarily physical. That’s just one side of it … I know you haven’t met him yet, but I’m still a little annoyed, Judy.’
‘Don’t be mad. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I have sex with. So how is it emotional cheating?’
‘You’re keeping stuff from me. Relationships are about trust! How can I trust you if you keep stuff from me about this Internet man?’46
On a 10-point scale ranging from ‘not at all’ to ‘definitely’:
•Would you consider Judy’s behaviour to be cheating?
•Do you think Judy’s online behaviour would be a betrayal of your relationship?
•How similar to face-to-face infidelity is Judy’s behaviour?
•How upset would you be if you discovered your partner in this online relationship?
•How likely is it that you would break up with your partner due to this online behaviour?
•Would finding this out cause you and your partner to fight?
This story is based on a study on Internet infidelity.47 A total of 234 people – with an average age of 24.36 years, 66% women and 34% men – participated. The majority of them saw this as a real act of infidelity – and as having as serious an impact on the couple as a traditional offline affair. The most significant finding was that Judy’s behaviour was seen as emotional infidelity and was considered as serious as sexual infidelity. Perhaps you think Judy’s behaviour constitutes infidelity. Here are the reasons stated by study participants who do not think her behaviour is infidelity. See which ones make sense to you:
•Just friends
•Just flirtatious and fun
•It’s a computer – not real
•Don’t know the person – never plan to meet
•No physical sex.
Here are reasons given by participants who do think Judy’s behaviour is an act of infidelity. See which ones make sense to you:
•Can’t have a relationship with more than one person
•Emotional infidelity
•Sexual infidelity
•Secret.
Stay with me. Here is another list I want you to tick off. In an Internet-based Experience and Relationship Survey, 123 university students considered the items on this list to be ‘unfaithful online behaviour’.48 See if you agree with them:
•Sexual chat that includes masturbation while having cybersex
•Emotional involvement that includes deep disclosure to another person
•Meeting or planning to meet someone in person
•Talking dirty or flirting
•Watching or looking for online pornography
•Betraying the confidence of a partner.
Confusing, right? Clinicians and academics have not yet come up with a definitive, universally agreed-upon definition of CI. There are common themes that we recognise are central to this behaviour. I like this definition as it contains all the central themes of CI, which are in bold text: ‘Cyber infidelity is a process in which people in a committed relationship seek computer-synchronous interactive contact through electronic conversations that occur through text, chat rooms, e-mails and dating sites.’49 These contacts may be emotional, sexual or pornographic. They are always secret. They violate the very principles upon which traditional marriage and relationships are built, namely monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment.
Simply put: you’re married or in a committed significant relationship. You switch on your mobile or laptop. Nothing unusual. You spend 70% of your time online. Social networks are used by women more to maintain connections and to communicate. Men use them mainly for entertainment such as online games, online shopping (can you believe it?) and sexual content.50 You login to social media – like Facebook or Twitter, a dating site or www.AshleyMadison.com (AM) – on which you’ve created a profile. You’re seeking to interact with a real person in real time. This is called synchronous communication51 as it occurs at the same time – you’re both in a chat room engaging in live chat, texting or Skyping simultaneously. You long for this private place in which you can anonymously release your imagination. Allow your fantasies to go wild, both sexual and emotional. Or watch porn. The chat begins. You develop a picture of the perfect lover in your head, and your fingertips take over. You chat, flirt and sex people who are strangers but rapidly feel as if they have become real lovers and friends. It feels more intimate than your real-life relationship. You even fall in cyberlove. This might be happening in a virtual space but it feels as real as the two (or more) flesh-and-blood people pounding away on their keyboards somewhere in the real world. These live interactive chats may be enhanced and expanded to include asynchronous communications,52 which are not in real time, such as sending e-mails or WhatsApp messages. Here, you get a chance to think about every word you write and savour the responses you receive. Remember that feeling of reading and re-reading old-fashioned love letters received in the post? Perhaps you’re shy, so asynchronous communication feels more comfortable for you. Or, maybe – according to your definition of fidelity – you don’t think you are breaking any marital vows as the communication is not in real time.
However – and most significantly – you keep this synchronous and asynchronous communication a secret from your partner. The potential of such cyber relationships – call them cyber cheating, online affairs, Internet affairs, Internet infidelity, hook-ups, friends with benefits, cyber buddies, or cyber affairs – is to create lasting damage to your primary relationship.53
And, as you know, no matter what form of communication you’re using, a very natural progression occurs; it feels organic to take this offline into real life. I wonder if you’d be surprised to see that you are not alone in moving from your computer or mobile to the hotel bedroom. As you’ll see, both men and women do this with ease and without guilt.
This is the new seduction. This is cyber infidelity: a very real private cyberspace that allows you to split off from your real world and be in full control of an alluring and, perhaps, salacious world. You may not see this as infidelity because technology and new media have become the fabric of your everyday life. Of the world’s more than seven billion people, just over two billion are online. About 78% of North American citizens (approximately 245 million) are regular Internet users.54 Your world has expanded because the opportunities for connecting online have increased your likelihood of developing deep and personal relationships with others, to the exclusion of your primary partner. This almost feels like your ‘new normal’ way of relating so why, in goodness’s name, is there such a fuss about a little chatting to, flirting with and sexting known and unknown people online? Perhaps you even feel offended that your sharing emotional experiences, time and dreams with someone online could be considered infidelity. In your head, infidelity is about sex. Sex is usually and universally considered to be penetration and an exchange of body fluids. So, if there’s no penetration, you’re not being unfaithful. That’s old-fashioned traditional thinking. I’m going to assist you to think digitally about this and create your own definition of cyber infidelity.
Here is what men with a profile on AM in the USA, Canada, UK, South Africa and Australia say that CI means to them:
You can see the themes of CI emerge.