However, for nine years, before I retired four years ago, I worked very closely with my Japanese boss. As every story goes … we got very involved. He, too, is married. Neither of us wants to upset our home life. He constantly wishes to spend some intimate time with me – not always being sexual, but meeting for coffee. We are so suitable. I should have broken the relationship off long ago. I am unable to get my husband to commit to me, regarding touching me, kissing me. He just can’t and does not feel up to any of that, but adores me.
We’ve been to therapy, I’ve told him about this other person. I cannot change him, nor will he change. My happiness depends on spending time with this other person, and each time I say yes to him, I seem at the last minute to cancel the arrangement due to guilt. Am I normal?
www.dreve.co.za
You got married. You did it in front of a group of people who stood witness to this formal, moral, legal and, probably, religious ceremony. You followed the rules of love dictated to you by society and your family, religion and culture, and found The One.36 During courtship and dating, your love for The One had been all-consuming; when you stood at that altar, you seriously believed that you would never want to look elsewhere for love. You also believed that sex with The One would always be satisfying – so satisfying that every fantasy of yours would involve The One. You stood at that altar of love and vowed to be monogamous, to love and be in a relationship with only The One for the rest of your life. You then swore commitment. Remember, you promised that you would love and protect this person ‘forever’ and, quite dramatically, you offered to do this until death. At that moment, you bequeathed your resources as well as your body and genitals to The One … for the rest of your life, ‘forsaking all others’. Implicit in this vow is sexual fidelity. You promised to enshrine your body exclusively to The One for the rest of your life. And you vowed to be honest, to be intimate. This model of Romantic love naturally expects intimacy to mean a total disclosure and revelation of your ‘true inner self’.37 Every thought, idea and feeling that you ever have is to be revealed to your partner because that is what is expected in this package deal. In other words, you offered – and, in return, expected – sexual, mental as well as emotional exclusivity.
I want you to begin to consider how useful this form of intimacy is to you right now in your digital world. I want you to think about all those vows and oaths you took, either formally or informally. If you could rewrite them, would you? Think really seriously about them as you consider the following facts.
Right now, irrespective of how long ago you made those promises or vows, you have committed infidelity, are considering it, or are in the midst of an affair, offline, online or in both places. If you’re a woman, in your 30s your chances of real-life cheating are the highest, with a high risk between ages 25 to 49.38 Understandable, considering the desperate need to escape children, career, boredom, depression and a husband who is sexually and emotionally unavailable – and online with pornography or his cyberflirt.
Research indicates that 20–40% of heterosexual married men and 20–25% of heterosexual married women will have an extramarital affair during their lifetime, while 70% of currently dating couples have reported engaging in infidelity.39 Then there is research that estimates that 50–60% of married men and 45–55% of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time in their marriage.40 Bear in mind this is offline, face-to-face infidelity.
Have you told anyone that you are being unfaithful to The One? I’m sure not. Infidelity is about secrecy, which always is accompanied by a measure of shame; in any event, telling removes some of the magic you are trying to create by having an affair. I’m damn sure you’re not going to confess to a researcher that you are unfaithful. My point is that we really don’t know how many people cheat. As you will see, we have such different definitions of cyber infidelity that it is even more difficult to measure scientifically how many people cheat online.
The traditional term ‘cheating’ is defined as ‘[a] sexual act or acts that violate the relatively agreed-upon norms within the relationship (e.g. kissing, oral sex, sexual touching, intercourse)’.41 You know that these less-explicit cheating behaviours of kissing, oral sex and even anal sex in which you’re engaging happen, and perhaps you don’t define them as cheating because they’re not the real deal, as in penetration by a penis of a vagina. One way or another, almost everyone agrees that when fluids are exchanged, when naked skin touches naked skin, it is real sex. And if you’re doing this exchanging with anyone other than the significant partner with whom you have created a fidelity, monogamy and commitment pact, you’re cheating. Read this man’s story; I’m sure we all agree that this is cheating as it involved real-life meetings, secretively conducted, leaving trails of pain and a broken pact:
I was involved in a relationship for about five years. We broke up three years ago because she was involved in another affair while we were still together. Now I’m in love with another woman. My problem is I found out that she was chatting with her ex-boyfriend and they even had an agreement that they were meeting in December last year. When I confronted her about it she told me that it’s over between them. Now whenever she’s not around I fear that she might be keeping in touch with him. My doubts might be real, or I’m just still disturbed by what happened to a previous relationship?
We need to relook this definition as it’s not sufficiently reflective of your current behaviour and attitudes. It does not even begin to cover the other part of cheating that you so enjoy and seek out, namely emotional and mental involvement with another – you know, all that secret sharing, fantasy exploration and deep thought exchange, as well as intimacy you enjoy alone with pornography, both online and offline. In addition, as I’ve said, the word ‘cheating’ feels offensive and judgemental to me. Let’s throw it out.
I propose we use the word ‘infidelity’. It includes sexual activities, emotional activities and viewing pornography. Let’s say it like it is: old-fashioned infidelity refers to ‘a situation where one partner in a committed relationship engages in a relationship with someone other than the spouse, whether that involvement is emotional, physical, or has components of both.’42
There is a catch in this definition, too. Spot it? You’re no longer having ‘relationships’ with others. As you’ve read, you’re hooking up, enjoying friends with benefits, booty calls, falling in love, and even attaching very intimately in real life with a person or people other than The One to whom you signed up for life. However, no matter how modernised the infidelity behaviour becomes, the process of discovery and resultant hurt remains the same, and has since the beginning of time. Even primates know the pain of infidelity and will defend and punish to the death.
I’m often challenged to admit that humans are not meant to be monogamous, usually by people who want me to give them permission to commit infidelity. While I acknowledge that men are evolutionary geared to spread their sperm and women to gather a variety of sperm to ensure continuation of the species, the pain caused by infidelity is so obnoxiously awful that I can understand why society puts punishing, shaming measures in place to ensure monogamy, fidelity and commitment.
However, technology has turned this on its head. We’re not exchanging fluids, but texts in a format called CMC. We’re not crossing countries to hold hands and penetrate. We’re exchanging words, emoticons and photos. And guess what? It feels as real and as good as – even better than – real-life face-to-face relating.
Infidelity hurts so much because it takes the marital script I’ve just described and tears it asunder. It says that your partner is separate from you, that you are not, actually, joined at the hip, that this person has prioritised self-interest over you. It shows how little your partner cares about you and how willing your partner is to deceive you.43
Stop. This is the old-fashioned view of infidelity. As you’ll see, the pain of discovery is as real today as it has been