And there it is, folks: our need for both casual sexual pleasure and attachment cannot be denied. This is beautifully mirrored in my online work with www.AshleyMadison.com (AM).
I asked single people on AM to share their current romantic and sexual activities. I was immediately struck by the egalitarian nature of casual sex: men and women are engaging equally in casual sex offline. Then: pow! Look at how this behaviour spreads across all ages across the globe. Casual sex is not a youth-driven phenomenon. Few people bother to ask people over the age of 45, less so people over 55, what they’re up to in bed. Does this mean that people no longer believe in the principles of monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment? Keep reading.
I wanted to extrapolate this to other social media platforms. I posted this question on my FB page: ‘Have you ever had a satisfactory hook-up experience?’ The overwhelming response was yes!
I never used to think much about hook-ups, but I decided to give it a go one last time. It was awesome!
The lady and I met a while ago. Neither of us was exactly looking for a relationship, but we both had ‘biological’ needs that can’t always be satisfied by masturbation. So, we decided to rent a movie and have some wine at my house and just let things progress. I carry a lot of tension in my shoulders. She noticed me rolling my neck and offered a massage, which I accepted. A leg massage was also offered and accepted. I was beautifully relaxed after that. It got late, I started yawning, we retired to my bedroom. I changed into boxers, she disrobed and got into bed wearing underwear.
We lay there talking for quite a while, actually. It was surreal, but also nice. I felt movement and heard a bra being unhooked. Now, I have a lot of control over my body, but even I can’t keep behaving myself when a woman lies next to me in only knickers.
As I said, the whole experience was awesome. Being very relaxed before having sex is great. The next morning we woke, had coffee in my garden, chatted. Then I took her home, but before we got to her house, we stopped for more coffee. I dropped her off and drove home. No discomfort or awkwardness between us. We are still in contact today. We haven’t had a ‘meeting’ again as yet, but anything is possible. This certainly was one of the best sexual experiences in my life thus far. (Male, 31)
I’ve done the whole ‘hook-up’ thing and it wasn’t bad at all. I say, if the opportunity presents itself and all parties involved are sober, consenting and safe adults, why the heck not? (Female, 30-something)
I challenge you to recognise the stage of dating you are in right now. Online, offline, married or single, pick all that apply to you currently:
1.The one-night stand – random meeting, alcohol-induced sex, no intentions known or expressed.
2.The second glance – happens when there is no memory of whether the sex was good on the first night; known as ‘round 2’.
3.The booty call – the decision has been made that you are worthy of sexual pursuit. It is now acceptable to text at any hour, usually when you are intoxicated, and invite the person to come over. It may be awkward to do this sober as you’ve only ever been sexual.
4.Friends with benefits – it’s time to get to know the person with whom you’ve been having lots of sex. Talking is allowed, but forget about any romance – or intimacy, as in eye-gazing intercourse. You leave post-orgasm with a handshake.
5.The date – you’re not dating, but you’re on your first official date. Now you can eye-gaze over dinner or a walk as you talk. These dates decide whether you move into the next stages or delete each other from social media.
6.The fling – you see no future with each other but enjoy the sex and companionship. You’ve mutually agreed that you’ll continue to have fun in this harmless manner.
7.The stepping stone – one of you believes that there is a future together and the other sees you as an ‘in-the-meantime’ until the right person comes along. One of you risks getting hurt here.
8.The backup – you’re good enough to be with, but not right now. You’re kept around in case things don’t work out with anyone else. Neither of you wants to let go completely. This stage can’t be maintained indefinitely. Something has to give.
9.The boyfriend or girlfriend – finally, you are allowed to have feelings for this person you’ve been shagging for weeks or months. However, permanence or marital status is not guaranteed.
10.Lost in translation – you will be confused living through these stages. Communication is essential, yet it’s not high on the agenda. Sex is. Expect to be hurt and exhilarated, and to go back online to search for ‘the one and only’.35
Imagine being lost in this desert, having to make up rules as each new encounter occurs. Imagine having to check in with yourself, first of all, to ask a number of pertinent questions:
•Do I risk losing this great friendship because of the sex we lazily decided to engage in one rainy Sunday afternoon?
•Do I ask that we get tested?
•Do I insist on a condom?
•Dare I ask for fidelity, monogamy and commitment, the sacred pillars of modern-day relationships?
•Do I say, ‘Your breath smells’?
•Can I say, ‘I love you’?
•Can I bring him/her home to meet my friends/kids/family? My husband?
•Can I date other people?
I like these conundrums. I like that you are thinking out of the box. Let’s face it – you like casual sex because you like sex! It’s so liberating to go into a situation with no intention other than the mutual desire for sex. For orgasm. Who says that every sexual interchange has to be intimate, self-disclosing and important? Why not have as your goal just sexual fun? Who says that’s not intimate? It is! Just differently! Think about how you have sex with your significant familiar partner. You do it out of duty, or for a reward or to have kids; it may be mechanical, the antithesis of intimacy. Are you grown-up enough to manage the consequences of this new form of modern relating?
Globally, both single and married men and women of all ages are entangled in hook-ups, FWB and NSA. It’s so common that it’s become normalised. Why is this is so seductive to you? Not you, as a single person. I am talking to you specifically. You, who is married, attached, committed by laws and oaths and children and traditions; you, who so avidly – and even compulsively – goes online to seek sex and love. Why do you risk home and hearth, your heart and genitals, for the hook-up, FWB and NSA?
It’s so desperately seductive and tempting. Until you get caught out – then it’s just old-fashioned infidelity. Infidelity is about betrayal. It offends and hurts. Badly. It is considered one of the worst arrows that a significant partner can sling at a once-beloved.
Walk with me down your infidelity path strewn with roses, love, sex, seduction and salaciousness – and thorns. Let’s click through and untangle the web in which you find yourself. That is, the World Wide Web. Before we go online, let’s meander down the garden path of good, old-fashioned, face-to-face, genitals-to-genitals, heart-to-heart infidelity. I want you to see the differences and similarities between online and offline infidelity. After all, you’re doing both.
Old-fashioned, face-to-face infidelity