Weeks 12–16: ‘Hatching’ and your baby’s initiative
At this time your baby begins to initiate interactions within you. This emerging independence has been called ‘hatching’ and is where babies begin to realise that they can influence their interactions with you. They may want more or less of something, refuse to feed or sleep, and they may complain more even though their needs are being met.
It is important that parents support this emerging desire for autonomy and freedom by reflecting their baby’s initiative in a playful yet respectful way, and letting them lead where it is safe to do so. This allows the child to feel okay about their attempts to initiate, and encourages further attempts at exploring.
How this influences later development
If you don’t wait for the child to take initiative, or override their attempts to take some control, the development of their autonomy can be impaired. The less reflective and patient a parent is, the more they will direct their child into what they want done, and the less they will allow their child to take the lead and learn for themselves.
When your child is a teenager, the drive to develop autonomy can become a mammoth issue and a source of much conflict and distress between you. As far as is safe and reasonable, supporting a young person’s initiative is a vital part of building their self-esteem (‘My ideas and wishes are good enough’) and helping them develop the belief ‘I can do this’.
Four months onwards
Emotions are central to relationships. When you are closely attuned to your child, she learns how to use subtle shifts in behaviour and emotions to regulate both herself and you in an appropriate and sensitive way. If you miss her subtle cues, she will use less subtle approaches to get on your mind. If eye contact doesn’t work, then she might try a smile. If that doesn’t work, she might reach out with her arms. And if that isn’t enough, she might try a small whimper, then a cry, followed by a blood-curdling scream.
All this needs to be seen in the context of balance, however. The infant does not know what is and isn’t reasonable when it comes to initiating, so of course she will sometimes fall short and at other times will go too far. Sometimes her initiative may need to be contained. From the age of four months onwards, your role is to work out what can be allowed and played with and what needs to be understood but limited – a task by turns joyful, infuriating and anxiety-provoking. And a task made easier if you are attuned to your child.
ATTUNEMENT
To be a mirror for your child requires you to spend time with him, taking pleasure and delight in him, accepting the range of his emotions, both negative and positive, and respecting and allowing his attempts to initiate and be separate. Being sensitive to a child’s emotions and behaviours in a playful, accepting way is known as attunement. Muir, Lojkasek and Cohen describe this process as ‘watch, wait and wonder’ for toddlers and young children, and Gottman as ‘emotion coaching’ for older children. I have found their work incredibly useful in helping children, and will briefly outline both approaches.
The ‘watch, wait and wonder’ approach
‘Watch, wait and wonder’ builds the relationship between you and your child, helps them feel secure, and teaches them about emotions and relationships. It is also a reminder for us to slow down and simply appreciate the gift and glorious uncertainty of childhood.
Watch
Becoming attuned to your child requires that you watch her calmly and attentively. This may seem obvious, but can be surprisingly difficult when our minds are full of our own concerns, duties or anxieties. Also, a child’s annoying behaviour can irritate us and make us focus on ourselves (‘I’m feeling so angry’) rather than on her (‘I wonder why my child is so angry?’). It is a skill to be able to calm and contain ourselves so we can focus on our child.
Consider setting aside a regular time (perhaps fifteen to thirty minutes a day) to wholly focus on your child and to let them lead you. When your child is a baby or toddler, this would take the form of you getting down on the floor and simply responding to their lead. With older children, it is done in various ways from talking to playing.
Common to either approach is that we don’t initiate, tell or show them what to do. Instead we let them lead the play or conversation, and we try to be reflective and supportive of their endeavours whatever they are. We don’t tell them what to do or when they are doing something wrong, rather we listen and attempt to understand or imagine what it is like for them. Some parents find this supporting very easy and can tolerate their child doing their own thing even if it means watching them make mistakes. Other parents find it incredibly difficult to allow their child to initiate without stepping in and saving them from making errors.
If you are in the habit of taking the lead, the first time that you step back and simply watch and support them, your child may feel uncomfortable and start to do things to try to get you to take on the ‘saving’ role again. They may become anxious, or they may become angry, or they may try to provoke you to discipline them. Try to resist this urge (unless they are doing something unsafe).
Don’t make suggestions or give hints, simply say, ‘I’m just really interested in what you want to do/play/say’, and keep gently but firmly repeating it in a calm way. Eventually they will take the risk of initiating in their relationship with you. And if they do initiate in unhelpful ways such as silliness or control, in your mind celebrate that they are at least initiating – annoying initiation is a much better teacher and self-esteem builder than calm subservience.
Wait
This is the next step in improving our attunement. When our child’s behaviour concerns us, our first response is usually to react immediately to correct it. By waiting, even if only for a few seconds, it gives us time to consider our response first. A classic emotion management technique is to ‘count to ten’ before you respond.
Waiting also gives our child the chance to initiate a course of action rather than relying on a parent for guidance, which supports the development of self-esteem and separateness. For growth and learning, it is better that children are given the space to make mistakes (within reasonable boundaries), than to be given too little room to take a chance.
Wonder
What a privilege it is for us to watch our children grow. And isn’t it amazing that the more we know, the more there is to know. We can’t know exactly what is going on in their minds. There is no crystal ball, and there are no certain answers.
But we can wonder.
We can reflect on what is happening for them; we can use our own empathy to put ourselves in their shoes. Our attempts to understand our children help them to feel thought of (and more securely attached) – they know they are ‘on our minds’. Our wonderings, if expressed gently, can also help our children understand themselves, and to learn that not everything can be perfectly understood or every problem solved. This is especially needed in the teenage years when many of their difficulties are quite complex, and at times the only way to resolve a problem is to grieve and accept the insolubility of it – this takes great emotional strength.
The emotion-coaching approach
As we have seen, one of our most important roles is to help our child become aware of their emotions and how to manage them. John Gottman’s research suggests that parents who get involved in the emotional life of their children have more resilient children and teenagers. He coined the term ‘emotion coaches’ to describe parents who allow their children to express negative emotions and then help them learn to deal with these emotions. Underlying his approach is the idea that all emotions are okay and need to be expressed and tolerated, but not all behaviours are okay. Through research he identified parents who, though warm and positive people, were unable to effectively teach their children emotional intelligence. Broadly