4 Reflect that you know they want your attention (‘I know you’d really like me to spend some time with you right now’).
5 Briefly explain what you are doing, though this is less important than your gentle manner and kind tone of voice (‘But I really need to finish cooking dinner’).
6 Give them a time limit for how long they have to wait for your full attention. It is best to start low and increase gradually using trial and error as a guide. And if you give a time, make sure you keep to it – broken promises are a sure-fire way of increasing uncertainty, disappointment and thus insecurity. If you do break a promise, don’t beat yourself up (who can be perfect?) but simply apologise and tolerate their disappointment and anger, and make sure you don’t break the next few promises if you want your child to believe that you can be trusted.
7 Be confident about the separation and let them know that you believe they will be able to cope. (‘I know you can do this. Remember yesterday how you went to kinder and I was waiting for you at pick-up time? Guess where I will be at pick-up time today?’) And if your child is feeling a bit nervous about the separation, when pick-up time happens don’t keep talking to the other parents, and definitely don’t engage with the other children. Instead, focus on your child and charge up her batteries.
Doing these things regularly and predictably will help small children to feel more secure in their relationships. As our children get older they become more mature, but their underlying attachment needs still need to be met; the child inside of them that needs to be cared for, nurtured and protected never vanishes but simply gets its needs met in more mature ways. You might not approach an adolescent as you would a small child, but he still needs to know he is important to you and that he is on your mind.
ATTACHMENT AND EMOTIONS/RELATIONSHIPS
Have you ever noticed how fascinated teenagers are with mirrors? Often they will spend large amounts of time looking at themselves in various poses and with different facial expressions, and in various outfits. By looking at their reflection, they are trying to match what they see with how they feel – their outward appearance and their inner reality. It is a way of trying to work out, ‘Who am I?’, and ‘Am I okay?’
Widespread access to mirrors dates back only a few hundred years so is a relatively new phenomenon in human history. Indeed, we evolved without being able to see what we actually looked like. We had to rely on others – their verbal and nonverbal responses to our appearance and behaviour – to find out whether we were ‘okay’.
Our ‘mirrors’, therefore, were our attachment objects – the people who cared for and about us – usually our parents. Donald Winnicott said, ‘the precursor of the mirror is the mother’s face’. Our parents’ responses to us were modified by their affection and love, and reflected more than our physical attributes. This ‘modified reflective process’ is an important way a child learns about themselves. When your child looks at you, they not only see you, but also a version of themselves in your response to them. Your child learns about relating with others and about themselves predominantly through the reciprocal relationship they have with you. Let’s consider your mirroring role in the earliest months (how you respond to them and think about them) and how this helps your child’s emotional and relational development.
The importance of mirroring
Weeks 1–4: Helping your baby be calm
At this age your task is simply to help your baby be calm, neither under- nor over-aroused. This means feeding her when she is hungry, changing her nappy when it is wet, and soothing her by cuddling, rocking or singing when she is distressed. Your baby needs to be calm if she is to learn to shift her attention from her internal state to the world around her (and so begin her amazing learning journey). You being calm in the face of her distress mirrors to her that her distress is not overwhelming and that it can be managed – that she will be okay.
How this influences later development
Throughout their development to adulthood, children frequently will be overwhelmed by their emotions and drives. In this unregulated state they are in no position to learn anything. By remaining calm, and gently but firmly containing her baby, the mother helps him gain emotional regulation. Being a calming influence and providing a calm environment is the first and most important step in helping your child learn about himself, whether he is two weeks, twelve months or sixteen years old. When helping them soothe themselves, what we do and how we do it (the approach) will be far more important than what we say (the content).
Weeks 4–8: Helping your baby pay attention
Your role at this next stage is to help your baby prolong her attention span so that she is ready to receive signals from you. Relaxed and playful looking into your baby’s eyes is a particularly important experience for her from this point onwards. This intense gaze is hardwired into a baby, and is not only a deeply connecting attachment experience, but also believed to be the beginning of the development of empathy in children. Talking and singing to your baby also help her to focus on your face. By doing this you are helping her to focus on you, her mirror, which is crucial if she is to learn about herself and others.
When eye contact is disrupted due to developmental problems in the child (such as autism spectrum disorders) or problems in the parents (such as post-natal depression, personality disorders, drug abuse) there is a much greater chance that children will develop emotional and social problems.
How this influences later development
As a child grows, many things will draw her attention (TV, computer, music, games, pets), and these distractions can result in poor focusing on important issues at hand such as handling difficult emotions or tensions within relationships. You may need to remove the distractions, and gently but firmly insist on your child’s attention. This may require great patience on your part, but by showing persistence you are modelling that the emotional issue can be dealt with.
Weeks 8–12: Reflecting your baby’s emotional state
Once your baby begins to smile, you will find yourself playing delightful games with him – he’ll smile and coo, and you’ll smile back and coo, and on you’ll go. He’ll not only feel the joy himself, but he’ll see it on your face: your big smile, wide eyes and happy voice saying, ‘Look at that big beautiful smile!’
Later, when he is crying from tiredness, you will mirror his frustration by scrunching up your face and speaking in a softer, more placating tone, ‘Oh, dear. You’re grumpy because you’re tired. Let’s get you tucked up in bed now.’
And when your child is frightened by a loud noise, your wide eyes and slightly startled expression will mirror in a modified and more bearable form his more intense distress, and you will give him a comment like, ‘Oh, honey. You are a bit scared by that loud barky dog. It’s okay.’
Being attuned to your baby’s emotional state and reflecting it back to him is the beginning of helping him to be aware of and make sense of his own feelings. It is your attempt at understanding what is happening for your child – not making it about you, keeping your own issues out of it – and gently showing with facial expressions, gestures or words what might be happening for him.
How this influences later development
Almost all parents do this mirroring in the early weeks and months, but for many it starts to fade away in the toddler years as their child becomes more independent. These parents often stop wondering what is happening for their child and become preoccupied with their own role, their own emotions, or in finding solutions.
As an example, when your eight-year-old is distressed about not being invited to a friend’s birthday, a mirroring/reflective approach would be to say, ‘That’s no good, honey. You seem to be a bit upset. It must be awful to feel left out.’ A less reflective approach would be to say, ‘Don’t worry about her, she’s not a nice friend’,