Creating conflict
There is nothing like a fight to get someone to think about you. When two people are involved in active conflict, each person is on the other’s mind to the exclusion of all else. However, once the fight is over, people feel even more insecure. I have seen many conflict-ridden families whose members find, perversely, that it is only through ongoing conflict that they feel connected.
The other ‘benefit’ of conflict is that it allows us to express the anger we feel about being forgotten or ignored. Anger is so effective at getting attention that it is no wonder many children learn to use it so early (think toddler tantrums) and to express it so easily.
Conflict with our children is inevitable given that we will undoubtedly disappoint them throughout their development. Our role as parents, then, is not to prevent them from becoming disappointed and angry (an impossibility because deep down what they want from us is everything), but to tolerate their attacks and help them learn how to express their anger in healthy ways. If our child exclaims by words or deeds, ‘I hate you’ or ‘You’re a bad parent’, instead of reacting with our own rage, anxiety or defensiveness, we need to tolerate their disappointment in the confident knowledge that our child gets enough, and say in our words or actions, ‘That’s okay. You’ll get over it.’ See Chapter 2 for more about dealing with anger and disappointment.
Provoking by nagging or deceit
Like crying, nagging is hard to ignore. A nagging child is saying:
1 ‘I’m distressed and you don’t care.’
2 ‘You are not giving me what I need.’
3 ‘I’m feeling hurt by what you are doing.’
Because we are anxious to protect our children, and our instinct is to keep them safe from harm, such accusations can be very confronting and we may either give in to their demands quickly (usually to avoid our own discomfort), or feel so irritated that we react negatively (‘Will you give it a rest for a minute!’). Either reaction is not helpful in the long term.
When we react to their nagging and provocation, they have our attention briefly, but frustration is likely to increase in the long run. This is because snapping will feel like criticism, giving them the message that they are ‘not okay’. Over the longer term this makes them feel more insecure, so they are more likely to keep on nagging.
Lying and deceiving are more complex provocations, and it is important we understand them so we can respond in the most helpful way. Broadly, there are two overlapping reasons that children will lie or deceive:
1To get something they want that they know they can’t have
2To avoid the shame and embarrassment of not measuring up to someone else’s expectations.
When children lie, try to remember that it is a universal experience that they are learning to deal with. Instead of lecturing them or feeling outraged, think of it as an opportunity for you to help them understand their desires for the things they can’t always have, and their fear of being shamed for not measuring up (see ‘Emotion Coaching’ on page 31). But also remember that the lying needs to be talked about; if it is not discussed it cannot be repaired, as Jack’s story illustrates. (See Chapter 4 for more on repair.)
Jack
Jack grew up in a family where few things got repaired. Whenever there was a disagreement or a fight, people got angry and walked off until they calmed down. They would then return, but the problem was never discussed – it was simply allowed to blow over. By way of example, Jack’s father once criticised his wife in bed, and she told him to sleep in the spare room. Two months later he was still sleeping there. Then one night he simply came back to the bed, and everyone behaved as if nothing had happened. The initial problem was never spoken about or resolved.
Jack had a fear of making mistakes, as they would generally result in him being told off, after which there would be silence all around for hours or even days. Jack had no confidence that mistakes could be repaired, so he discovered early on to hide his mistakes by lying. He lied about big things, he lied about little things. And when he was caught for lying, he was roundly criticised and shamed, which reinforced his lying to avoid the shame. Telling Jack to stop lying and punishing him had no effect. Rather, it was only when his parents were able to sit down with him and talk about why he lied, how he could have managed the situation differently, and at the same time allowing the emotions that came up, that he was gradually able to stop lying and feel confident to make mistakes. In other words, his parents had to work on consistently and authentically repairing the relationship after he lied, instead of shaming him and sending him to his room.
Being helpless
This is where children demand help (and therefore your attention) to solve a problem. It is more than asking for assistance to deal with their own problem (which is known as ‘affiliation’ – a mature way of coping). Effectively they are making their problem your problem and demanding that you save them by solving it. It is the immature but powerful way of coping with distress discussed at the beginning of the chapter: when overwhelmed by something, they look to their protector to take the responsibility for the problem, and to soothe and save them.
Be very careful that you do not automatically rush in and take over. Even though you might think that this is ‘helping’ your child, and even satisfying his need for attention, in the long term it may reduce his problem-solving abilities and his resilience.
The best approach is to support your child as he works it out for himself, as this not only tells him that you believe he can work it out, but also gives him some practice at doing so. ‘Saving’ your child (telling him what to do or doing it for them) is important for safety reasons (if his life or health is in danger) or if his best efforts haven’t been effective enough, but should be avoided as much as possible (see ‘A Supportive Approach’ in Chapter 4).
Some examples where children may try to get you to save them include the following:
1 Completing physical tasks such as tying shoelaces, wiping bottoms, packing away toys or finishing homework (‘I can’t do it’).
2 Solving conflicts in relationships, especially with siblings (‘Mum, Mary won’t give me my ball back!’).
3 Avoiding situations or tasks they don’t like by sensing your own vulnerabilities and drawing you in (e.g. if you were bullied at school, they might discover that describing their own peer problems at washing-up time gets them off the hook).
4 Finding themselves in a dilemma and trying to get you to make a decision for them (‘I don’t know’, ‘I can’t remember’, ‘Whatever you want’, ‘How could I know what to do?’).
Being helpless is a very effective way to get us involved because we are strongly driven to help our children. It is not always straightforward when our children are suffering to find the balance between helping them and leaving them to help themselves.
Becoming ill
There’s nothing like sickness or injury to ramp up attachment between a parent and child. Most of us can’t help showering an ill child with extra hugs and kisses and special treatment (food, staying home from school). No wonder children sometimes feign or exaggerate illness to get their needs met or to avoid responsibilities. (I once worked with a family that placed an excessive value on independence, and the only time physical affection was given was when someone was ill, so surprise-surprise there was a lot of illness in that family.)
If your child is genuinely ill, she will obviously need you to do things for her. However, if you are not sure whether the ‘school day stomach-ache’ is genuine it can be difficult to know what to do. If there are no physical signs of