The 'Good Enough' Parent. Andrew Wake

parents, who accepted and empathised with their children’s negative emotions, but were unable to offer guidance or set limits on their behaviour.

      Let’s look at an example. Six-year-old Harry repeatedly wanders into the lounge room and says, ‘I can’t get to sleep.’ He is clearly upset.

      A dismissing parent might tell Harry that his reluctance is ‘silly’, that he has nothing to worry about, and may try to distract him with a funny story or by reading a book. In this case the emotion is not accepted as okay, but dismissed as if it didn’t exist, and thus the parent is unable to coach Harry about how to deal with it.

      A disapproving parent might tell Harry that they are sick of his behaviour, and may even threaten to punish him if he keeps it up. In this case the emotion is not only actively disapproved of as if it shouldn’t exist, but the child is criticised and shamed for having it in the first place.

      A laissez-faire parent might tell Harry that they understand his desire to stay up, but then would not know what to do. They might make a deal with him: ‘Ten more minutes of TV, and then off to bed.’ Here the emotion is acknowledged as acceptable and okay, but Harry does not learn how to understand and deal with it.

      An emotion-coaching parent would begin by first accepting and then empathising with Harry’s feelings (‘Oh, sweetie. I can see you’re upset about not being able to get to sleep’) and then working with him to find a strategy to solve the problem.

      Such emotion coaching is generally done in five steps:

      1First reflect on what the child is feeling and why. Is it anxiety about being alone? Fear of nightmares? Anger and frustration at missing out on being with his parents? A physical problem (eczema itchiness, fever etc.)?

      2On recognising the emotion, accept that like all emotions it is okay to feel that way, and see it as an opportunity for intimacy and learning.

      3Listen to the child’s feelings, and let him know it is okay to feel that way perhaps by giving examples of times you have felt the same way (e.g. ‘I used to get really angry when I wasn’t allowed to stay up and watch my favourite show’).

      4Support the child to find the words to label the emotion he is having, such as using the word ‘worry’ about being alone, or ‘angry’ about missing out.

      5Explore with the child strategies to solve the problem (don’t tell him what to do), but at the same time set limits around what behaviours are okay and what behaviours are not okay. For example, you might say, ‘It’s hard to fall asleep sometimes. What could you do to help you slow down your mind and relax? (Not ‘Go back to bed honey and count backwards from 100’ or ‘Breathe in and out slowly’.) Setting limits is important, too: ‘Well, you can’t stay up and watch TV – that’s not an option. But how you try to fall asleep in bed is up to you.’

      The emotion-coaching parent:

      1 Accepts the child’s emotions (though does not give permission for unacceptable behaviour – acceptance of the emotion is not permission for the behaviour)

      2 Lets the child know they are understood, and in doing so helps the child understand themselves

      3 Provides limits and explores strategies to help the child discover that their emotions can be understood, and their problems can be solved.