The vast majority of learning comes not from being close and being perfect, but from when we return and mistakes are repaired. It is vital that we separate, and it is vital that we make mistakes. How terrible for your child if you never stuff up and never have to repair any disconnection with them. Fortunately, being perfect is impossible; but even the attempt to be perfect can be a problem.
The relationship between a parent and a child is a constant dance between togetherness and separation, abandonment and reuniting, mistakes and repair. With a thousand experiences of reuniting, your child learns that separating is not a threat; and with a thousand experiences of repair, your child learns there is no need to fear making mistakes.
Your task is to be aware of and support both your child’s need to explore and master his environment, and his need to return for comfort and to make sense of the anxiety and excitement of his journey away. You must find the balance between letting him lead and letting him get lost; between anxiously holding him in, and prematurely pushing him out.
Insecurity
If security is that wonderful and comforting experience of being close and connected to your carer and protector, then insecurity is its opposite: the experience of feeling disconnected, overlooked or abandoned. Though insecurity feels bad, it is actually a good thing that your child can feel it. She needs to feel uncomfortable if she finds herself too far away from you and in a dangerous situation otherwise she won’t be motivated to return to where it is safer – by your side.
From an evolutionary perspective, insecurity has been vital for our species’ survival. Children in early hunter-gatherer tribes would have been surrounded by many life-threatening hazards, and their survival would have depended on adequate protection by the adults in their tribe. To be separated, abandoned or unattached would have meant death. Those who survived were ‘programmed’ to feel insecure when too far away from their parent or guardian. In other words, human beings have evolved to do whatever it takes to feel attached and secure. Nothing else is as important, and all else (including thinking, playing, exploring) will be sacrificed to attain this goal of safety.
Feeling secure = ‘Can they see and reach me?’
Have you ever been at a park with a child who is about eighteen months old? Perhaps you were sitting on the rug and your child toddled away from you. Do you remember that at a very predictable distance your child would turn around and look to see whether you were watching her? If she was within a particular distance (inside the ‘safety circle’ which was unique for your child according to her temperament) she would continue her exploration and play. But if she found herself beyond a certain distance (outside the ‘safety circle’) or she thought you were not looking at her, couldn’t see her, or were focusing on someone else, she would either do something to get your attention or would come running back to you.
The reason for such behaviour can be explained by attachment theory. In those early years, if she was within the circle of safety she felt secure: she could think, play and explore freely because if she got into trouble she could be reached. But when she found herself outside that circle her ability to think, play and explore was overridden by insecurity and the drive to get back ‘across the line’ where she believed she would be within reach and thus safe.
Feeling secure = ‘Am I on their mind?’
As your child develops, and his journeys away become further and longer, his measure of security changes from physical distance (‘Am I within their reach?’) to psychological distance (‘Am I on their mind?’). He feels okay if he believes that you are thinking of him and that you know where he is. In other words, he is certain that he has your attention.
‘Attention-seeking’ behaviour can thus be reframed as ‘attachmentseeking’ behaviour; driven by your child’s wish to feel safe. This means your child can be standing right next to you, yet feel very insecure because he does not believe he is on your mind enough. Conversely, he can be many kilometres away, yet feel completely secure because he believes he is on your mind.
Note, however, that it is not whether you are actually thinking of him that matters, but whether your child believes you are. This is an important distinction to keep in mind. You may be thinking of him, yet he feels insecure because he believes you are not (or not thinking of him enough). Children who feel secure are actually on their parents’ minds very little, but it is enough for them. In contrast, insecure children are often on their parents’ minds five, ten, twenty times as much, but it is not enough. As one mother said, ‘What does she want from me? She says I never think of what she wants, but all I ever do is think about her!’
The solution for a child’s insecurity is not to think of him more (your role is simply to think of him enough), but to help your child develop the belief through experience that he gets enough of your attention and that he is on your mind enough.
The pain of insecurity
If you’ve ever wanted to be with someone and been ignored or rejected by that person then you know what it’s like to feel insecure. Many popular stories feature main characters who have been abandoned or orphaned (think Oliver Twist, Harry Potter, Annie, and Frodo Baggins) because most of us strongly identify with the pain of loss.
Insecurity is experienced at an emotional level rather than a logical level (see Chapter 3), and these emotions can influence our children’s thoughts and behaviours without them even being aware that they originate from insecurity. There are three broad groups of emotion associated with insecurity: sadness, worry and anger.
Sadness
For some children (and adults) insecurity manifests as feeling mildly upset or teary, while for others it develops into intense sadness and even depression. Sadness is sometimes less obvious in children who withdraw and are very quiet or ‘shy’, or who ‘run’ from their emotion through intense physical activity or obsessive pursuits.
Worry
This group of emotions includes unease, fear, trepidation, nervousness, self-doubt, anxiety and panic. Added to this are the physical symptoms anxiety can bring such as poor concentration, insomnia, appetite loss, fatigue and irritability. Worry is less obvious if expressed in actions such as avoidance, or in physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach-aches.
Anger
These emotions include frustration, hate and destructive rage (where a child wishes to hurt or punish). Sometimes this anger is directed at the people they love, and sometimes it is directed inwards. Anger is obvious when it is actively expressed through yelling, hitting or biting sarcasm (‘By the way, you’re the worst mother in the world!’). It is much less clear when expressed passively through whining, complaining or asking for help and then rejecting the help that is offered. (See Chapter 2 for more on anger.)
Some children seem to have predominantly angry reactions to their insecurity, but in my experience, behind this anger there is a hurt, sad and anxious child. In most anxious children there is often a thinly veiled rage directed at a parent for not being able to soothe their distress. And sad children may be grieving a loss, but are often also anxious about the possibility of further losses, and angry that the loss was allowed to occur in the first place.
Think