Sometimes you don’t act on the first violation because you want to be sure that the addict won’t quickly repair the violation by recognizing it and changing course. One woman learned her partner had stopped going to recovery meetings. When she went to confront him on this as a violation of her boundary, he told her he had already recommitted to his program and he was planning to meet with his sponsor and was going to start attending ninety meetings in ninety days. In this case, he took the initiative to reassure her. This did not deny the fact he’d violated the nonnegotiable. The difference here was acknowledgment and reversing course in a more intensive way that for now brought resolution to her.
One woman’s nonnegotiable was that her spouse wear his wedding ring as a condition for the marriage to continue, something he refused to do prior to the discovery, saying it was too tight and it got in the way of his job. When he showed up one day without it on his finger, but rather in his pocket, telling her it got in the way of his driving, this violation of her request was conspicuous and compounded by other violations on her list. This became the final strike and at that point she was prepared to begin the process of separation. Another woman had the same issue and viewed this as a wait-and-see violation. She acknowledged it as something that was a negative sign of his commitment to recovery. Her follow-up consequence focused on herself, discussing it with her support group and identifying to herself and others that a violation of her nonnegotiable had occurred. This is an example of the same behavior, but with two different actions taken.
A major distinction between these two very important boundaries is that the consequences for the one are immediate and directed toward the relationship and the other person, and the consequences for the wait-and-see approach are focused on you. If you make a boundary and it is violated, you identify ahead of time what you will do for you that will have a less obvious impact on the other person. “I will be willing to explore with my therapist a therapeutic separation.” “I will attend an intensive workshop for partners of sex addicts.”
From your list of nonnegotiables, write next to each item whether it is in need of immediate action or would be in a wait-and-see category.
While some of you may want to quickly work on defining your bottom lines, take your time and be certain you are ready for what you are expecting and need. Establishing bottom lines prematurely sets up old patterns of making threats with no follow through (consequences). Nonnegotiables are to help you by creating a safe environment in which you can heal. Although we strongly believe that nonnegotiables are valid and important, we want to underscore that they are best worked through with a counselor. Your therapist will be able to help you clarify boundaries that are best-suited for your situation. You can also get feedback from other recovering partners. They will have a perspective you may not have. If your partner is not pursuing recovery you will want to strategize how you present these limits to him or her. In both cases, it can be helpful to rehearse this conversation ahead of time so you are more confident.
If you are not currently in a relationship, it is still important to know your bottom lines. It gives you a chance to see your vulnerabilities from the past and where you need to focus your attention in relationships as you go forward in recovery. Again, bottom lines are not about punishing, but are about helping you create safety for yourself.
This exercise walks you through what you need to consider when you choose to disclose your situation to others, and addresses your thoughts and feelings around who is or who is not safe to tell. It will help you explore whom you consider to be safe in telling, your motivation for sharing, and the long-term ramifications. It offers suggestions for how to handle those people who may be pushing you for information when it doesn’t feel safe or right to do so.
A consideration that weighs heavily as the shock of the addiction settles in is deciding whether and to whom you should confide. Some partners immediately reach out to a family member or a close friend. For others, it becomes necessary to tell certain people because of immediate decisions that may be made such as the addict or the partner leaving the home. In other cases, the possibility of illicit behaviors resulting in public exposure forces the issue so that you have to tell those people with whom you wouldn’t otherwise share such intimate details of your life.
The type of person you are will determine your comfort level in confiding in someone about the addiction. Often messages you tell yourself play a role in whether it is safe to tell others. For example, if you were taught growing up that feelings didn’t matter and trusting others leaves you vulnerable, it will be harder for you to open up to others. Confiding about personal problems, especially one as stigmatizing as sex addiction, may make you feel weak and out of control since you’ll have to let your guard down, something that is threatening for you. Some partners find that talking through an issue is how they process and make meaning out of their circumstances. It’s more an impulse for them to tell others, almost to a fault, as they are at risk of saying too much and isolating themselves from the support they so desperately want.
Whatever your style is, it is important to honor your own comfort. Yet whenever a crisis of this magnitude occurs, further pain and isolation can make an already difficult situation much worse. Talking about what has happened is healing. It is the bridge between the addictive system of lies and secrets and the road to recovery. By letting others in you reduce the shame and stigma surrounding the behaviors of your partner and you glean the wisdom of others, which opens you up to new choices and possible solutions to your problems. This is true for all situations you confront in life. You need people, and as a human being you derive a sense of connection by being in a relationship. Also, by not talking to others you face the risk of becoming anxious or depressed when those emotions are denied and/or pushed aside.
CONSIDERATIONS WHEN THINKING ABOUT WHOM TO TELL
This exercise presents some guidelines to explore when considering how to tell people about the crisis confronting you.
Safe People
Identify those people in your life you are considering talking to and then answer the following questions.
Motivation
What is your motivation in telling this person? Is it to garner support or is it to get even? Is it to no longer feel the isolation of holding the secrets?
Long-term Ramifications
Three months from now, a year from now, or five years from now, will you still feel okay about having shared these intimate details of your life with this person? Some people are very safe in the present moment, but the relationship could change in the future and then they would no longer be a part of your intimate safe circle. For example, you might share with a coworker whom you are fond of, but if in time this coworker becomes your boss, then having your boss know your situation might become uncomfortable. Or sometimes, sharing can strengthen a connection to someone you previously had not considered available enough to shoulder some of your burden.