Intimate Treason. Claudia Black

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       I have had to send them to my mother’s for the time being. I talk to them on the phone or pick them up after school for a while.

      

If you have children, your situation does not necessarily create an immediate crisis for them. While the possibility certainly exists, there are some circumstances where immediate considerations are indicated such as whether or not there are safety concerns regarding you and/or the children. Do you have any immediate parenting concerns?

       PHYSICAL

       How has your physical well-being been impacted?

       EXAMPLES

       I have started to have migraines.

       I’ve gained weight/I’ve lost weight.

      

Abuse is absolutely an immediate concern, such as hitting, shoving, slapping, throwing objects, being locked up, etc. Do you have any immediate physical concerns?

       EMPLOYMENT

       How has your work performance been impacted?

       EXAMPLES

       I have told too many people at work and now I am embarrassed.

       I have taken a lot of time off work saying I am sick.

      

Typically any work crisis involves the one acting out, but you may be experiencing work-related problems due to poor performance or frequent absenteeism. Do you have any immediate work concerns?

       FINANCES

       How have your finances been affected?

       EXAMPLES

       He has spent $50,000 on prostitutes in eight months, and I have started to hide money as a form of self-protection.

       We needed to hire an attorney and had to cash in some stocks in order to do that.

      

Frequently there are concerns of the possibility of secret bank accounts, hidden credit cards, the cost of therapy or treatment, or the cost of living separately, etc. Do you have any immediate financial concerns?

       LEGAL

       Have there been legal problems?

       EXAMPLES

       We had to retain attorneys for the sexual harassment suit from his affair with his partner at work, and then we had to retain a criminal attorney to defend him in court.

       There has been some stalking so we had to get a restraining order against one of his girlfriends.

      

There are frequently legal concerns, such as pending or threatened civil or criminal suits, ethics violations, paternity concerns, etc. Do you have any immediate legal concerns?

       SPIRITUAL

       How has your spiritual life been impacted?

       EXAMPLES

       I am so angry at God—there is no spiritual life for me.

       I realize I don’t use the fellowship of my church for any support.

      

If there is a spiritual crisis it may be more internal, such as questioning whether or not there is a God. But it may also be more tangible and you question the conflict of attending or seeking guidance in your house of worship because the acting out may be related to people in the congregation or even the clergy. Is there a threat of excommunication? Do you have any immediate spiritual concerns?

      Doing this exercise will help you see the pervasiveness of addiction, that is, the ripple effect. Most likely there is no part of your life that has been left untouched. At this stage what is important is to identify and prioritize that which requires your most immediate attention. By stopping the “bleeding” and focusing your energy on those areas you listed, you will become better equipped to move forward and begin the healing process.

Managing Triggers

       This exercise is designed to identify how you’ve been responding to the trauma of being betrayed. It will help you identify and, more importantly, cope with triggers. Triggers are those situations, activities, or behaviors that often, though not always, remind you of the sexual acting out. Once you are triggered, it often becomes difficult to distinguish between the reality of today and the cascade of emotions and memories reminiscent of the traumatic experience of betrayal. You will look at some of the ways these triggers, when not managed, can lead to self-sabotaging actions. We will offer tools and resources to help lessen the intensity of your feelings and the behaviors and provide you with choices in how to respond in a healthy manner.

      During this time of upheaval you may feel emotionally out of control. You’re preoccupied all the time and wish you could turn off the thoughts that plague you day and night. These are typical responses to overwhelming trauma. Many betrayed partners describe feeling trapped and vulnerable. The preoccupation is also a symptom of the intimate trauma as the intrusive memories remind you of what you’ve learned. They are daily reminders of what you are coping with today. These are referred to as triggers.

      Triggers can be events, situations, sensory memories, and/or circumstances that remind you of the addiction and send warning signals that you might be in danger. Triggers can reflect a real or imagined threat, but foremost they are a learned response to the original trauma of discovery/disclosure. Without developing tools to handle these triggers, you will be unprepared to handle and effectively address situations with your spouse/partner today. When a trigger occurs, you are reminded again of the lack of control you experienced at the time of the betrayal. The feeling is overpowering,